Not so private musings

It's all happening

2008-03-11T17:04:00.002-05:00

I'm a month late with this post, and I'm still not going to give all the details yet...but this picture should clue you in!

More details to follow!

The Holiday Season

2007-12-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Every time I post now, there’s so much that I’ve missed. Before it didn’t matter as much, because I was catching some of you up on the phone, but now I’ve stopped doing that as well.

I don’t like the fact that I’ve lost touch with some of you, but I hope that I get better!

Anyhow, this time of year is exciting. I love the holidays, especially Christmas. It still feels a little strange to be in North Carolina during the holidays though, since it’s 72 degrees outside today! But I’ve already been to one holiday party and have a few coming up.

I didn’t get a chance to post about Thanksgiving, but I had a nice one. I brought TK home with me, which was sort of a big deal. I’ve never brought a boyfriend home to celebrate a holiday before. It felt great. TK’s family was having a big celebration, but I didn’t want to leave my Mom, Stepfather and brother home to celebrate on their own. It would have been just the three of them whereas TK’s family was going to have 8+ people there. I think my parent’s are starting to warm up to TK more, though they’re still trying to hold onto their “little girl” as much as possible.

Unfortunately, TK and I are going to be apart on Christmas. My family is driving up to NY for Christmas since our extended family is up there. We haven’t been to NY for Christmas for a few years now, and my mom really wanted to get everyone together. I was bummed that I wasn’t going to be able to celebrate with TK, because he and his family don’t celebrate Christmas. He’s Bahai, and this would have been his first time celebrating Christmas. But all is well, because our family is going to celebrate Christmas early so that we can exchange our gifts on our own and so that TK can get a taste of how we do it up. We’re going back to my parent’s place next weekend to have our faux Christmas. That’s fine with me, since it means I get my presents early! Ha.

Speaking of early gift giving, I think that I’m going to give TK his presents today. I was planning on giving them to him before we went to my parent’s place anyway, but I can barely contain myself anymore. I’ve had them for a few weeks, and I’m having a hard time letting them sit there.

I still have a lot of shopping to do though. I need to buy my family presents before next weekend, and I need to buy Twin something. Our group of friends is getting together to do a Secret-Santa party, and I drew his name. Twin is obsessed with Macy’s – he has a dance and everything – so I might just get him a gift card so he can shop his little heart out. ☺

I also love the fact that the semester is wrapping up at school. Classes finished on Friday, and now I only have grading standing in my way. I should have started grading this weekend, but I decided to take some relaxation time. Grades are due on the 20th, so I have some breathing room.

It’s crazy to think that I’ve been teaching for a year and a half. I’m no longer the new kid on the block. Four out of the six people in my office just started this semester. On a daily basis I still feel like I’m going to be “found out” by my students, as if I am still making things up as I go along. I still struggle to break through to students who really hate writing and question whether or not I know anything about writing in the first place. But I also had students who thanked me at the end of this semester for teaching them a lot. A few students emailed me their thanks, and one student even gave me a present (which was a first for me). It’s that kind of thing that is really rewarding. It felt especially nice to get feedback from the students at the other university I’m teaching at. I really enjoyed working there this semester, and I’m looking forward to teaching the course again next semester.

But I’m still grateful for the semester break! The time between semesters is necessary to recharge and forget all the reasons why teaching is frustrating so that you can do it all over again in January!

Fashion disaster

2007-11-14T20:46:00.000-05:00

Last week was a bad week. Or really, it was a clumsy week.

I spilled coffee in the computer lab that I teach in. Coffee went all over the table under a document camera that is nailed. to. the. table. I had to gingerly slide a paper towel underneath to clean it up.

On Thursday I was walking down the sidewalk on my way into work. I was wearing relatively new cuffed black trouser pants and cute heels. Before I knew it I was flat on the ground. The heel of my shoe got caught in my pants. Near death by fashion. I exclaimed *f*ck* has I slammed to the ground. My knees hit hardest and first, but luckily I was wearing gloves, which saved my hands.

Later that day I dropped my phone in a sink full of water. It's working for the most part now, but it's still a little funky.

This week has been filled with meetings, emails, conference, and grading. It's not letting up anytime soon.

But tonight should be a joyous tonight, because a new season of Project Runway starts in a few hours. But it is NOT a joyous night.

Time Warner Cable doesn't carry the Bravo channel in this area. DOES. NOT. CARRY. THE. BRAVO. NETWORK.

I'm going to go pout now.

I’ve been sinking through the drain of love

2007-10-30T13:49:00.000-05:00

(Long post)

Last Wednesday after I finished teaching my last class of the day, I met up with TK for dinner. We kept exclaiming, “We’re on vacation!”

On Thursday TK, Twin, and I left for Myrtle Beach. From now on I’ll refer to TK’s fraternal twin as “Twin” and his fiancé as Irish. Irish couldn’t get Thursday off from work, so she planned on meeting us down there later that night.

Over the past few months, TK and I have been spending a lot of time with the two of them. TK and Twin are very close (naturally), and they’ve both been very pleased with the fact that Irish and I hit it off right off the bat. We’ve established a friendship outside the guys, and she even asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in their wedding next year. Since we’re one big happy foursome, Twin and Irish are quickly becoming one of my favorite couples to be around. I’ve said before that I’ve gained a lot of friends from dating TK, and I’ve become closest with the two of them. We passed a point where they’re not just TK’s family members or his friends. I definitely feel like they’re my friends too.

So when we started planning this trip down to Myrtle Beach, I was super excited. We were going down there for the wedding of one of TK’s and Twin’s oldest friends (they’ve known him 17 years). They were both groomsmen in the wedding, and Irish and I got to tag along.

TK was excited about going because it was his first chance to introduce me to a lot of his friends down there. He lived down there for three years after he graduated from college there before moving to this area, so he has a lot of roots there. I really hope that we can take another trip soon so that I can introduce him to my friends in New York and Boston.

Anyhow, the trip, as a whole, was fantastic. Unfortunately it rained nearly the whole time and we didn’t get in any beach time. But it was full of great food, good company, and quality couple time. Thursday night we spent the night at a friend’s house after a yummy dinner at a Japanese steakhouse. Friday we checked into our hotel and did some outlet shopping.

We stayed at a Hampton Inn again, at my insistance. I just LOVE their beds. They are seriously the most comfortable things ever. Our hotel was right across the street from one of the larger outlets in the area. Irish and I were psyched and definitely in a shopping mood. TK and Twin graciously tagged along for a while. We started off in Perry Ellis where we got the two of them some snazzy new shirts. TK was actually willing to let me dress him up, for once! He’s regularly a t-shirt and jeans type of guy. The real coup was when I bought him some cologne – Perry Ellis Red. He suddenly discovered that some extra smell-good scent wins points with the gf!

After the damage we did in a few stores TK and Twin were quickly tiring of the shopping, and they had to head off for the rehearsal dinner anyway. So they left us to continue shopping. I went nuts with dress slacks, a sweater, and perfume for myself and a sexy pair of shoes from Nine West. Irish bought TWO purses and a wallet in the Coach Outlet store. The bags are nice, of course, but I’m so happy that I don’t have a purse habit. I can’t afford that, even at the reduced prices! I recommend it to others if Coach Purses are your thing though – Irish said they were almost half the regular price.

On Saturday the guys went off again (for haircuts and football) as Irish and I did some more shopping. This time we were looking at wedding gowns. I’ve already been out shopping with Irish for her dress, and she’s been out a few times with others, but she hadn’t yet found THE dress. There were a few places she wanted to check out in the area, so we went off to see what we could find. The first two places we checked were total duds. She didn’t even try a single dress on, but then we headed to the third place. It was an old house that had been converted to a store, so it already seemed unique. When we went inside I pulled two dresses close to her size so that she could try them on, but we had to wait almost thirty minutes before the one dressing room opened up. We were close to leaving so that we could get back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding we were going to that day, but finally the dressing room freed up.

The first dress was a total dud, but the second had real promise. The longer she stood there, the more I liked it. My face started to get red (she later told me), and I reached for a veil to see the full effect. She started crying, and I got goose bumps. We found it. It was so exciting. The dress is absolutely gorgeous, and even though it wasn’t the size she needed, we could tell that it was the one. She bought the veil that I had grabbed, because it, too, is perfect. We had such a successful shopping weekend!!

We headed back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding. I got to see TK in a tuxedo for the first time. I had been looking forward to it since he’s generally such a casual dresser. Also, one of the pictures from his Match profile that initially caught my eye was a picture of him in a tux the last time he was in someone’s wedding. One word: S-E-X-Y! ☺

The wedding itself was a decent time. It was probably one of the quickest ceremonies I’ve ever been to, and it was nice to meet a lot of the people TK has told me about. I had been super excited about being able to dance at the reception, because I hadn’t yet had the opportunity to dance with TK before. Unfortunately, the music at the reception left a lot to be desired. They played a few too many older songs, and there was no real structure to the reception. People started leaving just an hour or two into it, and by the time we had been there a little over two hours, half of the guests had left. We stayed a little longer and tried to dance some, but once they played the Electric Slide for the second time, we knew it was time to leave.

Irish and I were still in the mood to dance, so we convinced the boys to go out to a club. It was still relatively early, and neither one of us wanted to go back to the hotel yet. TK was reluctant at first because he was tired and still getting over a cold, but like a trooper, he agreed. After a quick change at the hotel we headed out to the clubs at Broadway at Beach. A lot of people were there in costume celebrating Halloween a little early. I’ve never seen so many scantily-clad women in my life. There was one girl with her butt cheeks hanging out, literally. Since when did Halloween become an excuse to barely be covered in public?

We didn’t stay out too late, but it was a lot of fun to go out dancing. We had been talking about dragging the boys out for some time. TK loves to car dance and goof off, but I wanted to see if he could keep up on an actual dance floor!

When we left Myrtle Beach on Sunday I was totally basking in the vacation glow. It was so great to get away and not think about school for a few days. I answered emails while I was gone, but I didn’t grade any papers. I had so much fun with TK and everyone else, and I didn’t want the trip to end. As we drove back to Raleigh I was smiling like a total goofball.

On Monday TK called me and said, “We should have stayed on vacation.”

I agree.

On the road again

2007-10-25T07:38:00.000-05:00

Today TK and I are leaving for our trip to Myrtle Beach.

I didn't quite get through all the papers I had planned on grading before leaving, so I have to take some with me. However, I'm not going to let the papers ruin my excitement.

Yay vacation!

I'll catch up with all of you when I return.

Can't you just feel the moonshine

2007-10-21T20:45:00.000-05:00

Last night TK and I went out to a friend's house for dinner. He lives on a lake, and it's beautiful. The weather is finally starting to get a little cooler here in North Carolina, and it was a beautiful crisp night.

I wish that we could spend more nights like last night, but today it was back to the grind of grading. I found an unmistakable case of plagiarism.

I just need to get through the next three days before our weekend excursion to Myrtle Beach.

Yipee!

The world is laughing at me

2007-10-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

Today I made more of an effort that I have been making the majority of the semester to look stylish. I'm wearing my brand new silk blouse, my brand new jeans, and a pair of kitten-heel black pumps.

I jaunted into work this morning, dropped off my stuff in the classroom, and headed towards the bathroom. I fell in the hallway in front of the bathroom because my slick, worn heel glided too quickly across the slick, polished floor. I skinned both my knees.

Falling girl has struck again.

Make it work

2007-10-13T08:35:00.001-05:00

It's such a cliche, but I seriously don't know where the time goes anymore.

It continues to amaze me how busy I seem and how little seems to get done. I've gotten back into a rut again where I feel like I'm continually neglecting things.

I forget to do things I promise students. I don't reply to emails for weeks. I don't clean my lovely apartment as much as I should. I don't see my parents as much as they'd like. I forget to check my mail.

It sounds like I'm not doing anything at all, but the days still end before I'm ready. So where is the time going?

Last weekend I had a mini-meltdown because I was so overwhelmed. I was crying, and I didn't really know why. Or really, I did know. I was stressed. I was buried in papers, and I really couldn't see my way out of it. I ended up having to meet with back-to-back students for 12 hours over two days. Meeting with them in person seemed more manageable than having to write comments on all of their papers. Things finally seem a bit more manageable, but I got new papers yesterday and I get 3 more sets on Monday. It never stops!

But I'm trying to "make it work."

In two weeks TK, his twin, twin's fiancee, and I are going down to Myrtle Beach for a wedding. I'm taking 4 days, and it should be a lot of fun. I bought a new dress the other day, which is always good.

Papers: bad. Vacation: good.

TK to the rescue

2007-09-22T12:33:00.000-05:00

Reason number 587 why I love TK:

After my horrible day on Thursday, I came home, and he gave me this.

A company called Bloomsberry & CO. makes them along with a bunch of other cleverly wrapped chocolate bars.

This one is so cute that I couldn't eat it.

This is what it says on the box.

"For the immediate relief of: Chocolate Cravings, Lovesickness, Exam Pressure, Mild Anxiety and Extreme Hunger.

Directions for use: Tear open wrapper, break off desired dosage, and consume. Alternatively massage into the affected area. Repeat dosage as required until finished. If symptoms persist consult your local confectioner."

It also describes what first looks like a cross symbol as two telephones. It says, "The Mark of the Twin Telephones is the internationally recognised symbol for an emergency. It signifies lying on the couch and calling up a good friend when in a crisis. After all what are good friends for."

If you're interested in getting your own, you can visit their website here:

Make it stop

2007-09-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

I’ve been having what I call a craptacular week.

Pulling my back out over the weekend really set the tone. I’m still in quite a bit of pain and am having a hard time sleeping and getting around.

On Monday I found out that the mother of a close friend passed away. She’s been battling cancer over the years. It’s sad, and my heart goes out to my friend and her family. I’ve realized, too, that I haven’t yet figured out how to be there for people when they lose a loved one. It’s so difficult. Everything seems too empty, and I never know if I should give the person space or not. I hate the feeling that I am f*cking things up at a time when it matters so much.

On Tuesday my parent’s dog went into have what we thought were cysts removed. My stepfather called me to tell me that she has cancer and that it has progressed rather quickly. The vet took out everything that she could, and she thinks she got it all, but there’s no telling whether or not she’ll make it for another month or six. I love that dog so much. She has the best temperament.

I drove home on Tuesday after work to see her. I wanted to make sure that I got to see her at least one more time, because we don’t know how much time she has left.

I drove back yesterday to teach at the other university and to go to the visitation services for my friend’s mom. The funeral is this afternoon. It’s the third funeral I’ve ever been to.

This morning the last thing I wanted to do was teach a class. I had a meltdown in my first class because the students were so out of it and unresponsive. I basically bullied them into talking and said that class had to be better than the funeral I was going to today. It was such a train wreck.

I have a stack of papers that I haven’t touched all week. It seems so insignificant in the scheme of things.

All I can do is keep breathing

2007-09-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

A week ago I was gearing up for busy times at work.

Two days ago I hurt myself and found myself mostly confined to the bed.

I swear; I am such an old woman.

I'm 26 years old, but I feel like I have the body of a 60-year-old.

I bent over to do a simple task like put air in my tires, and before I knew it, I threw my back out.

I've done this before. It's always the same thing. My lower back kills me for a week or so.

I have trouble getting out of bed, out of a chair, getting dressed, etc.

Unfortunately this time it happened on my way to the other university I teach at. I drove through my tears and through the rain and realized that I'd never make it to campus in the shape I was in. I had to call the secretary and cancel my class even though my students had papers due.

The only good part about all of this is that I had TK to take care of me. He has the best bedside manner.

My work is on hold for now - hopefully my students understand and I get better soon...

And we all float on okay

2007-09-09T09:32:00.000-05:00

This weekend is the calm before the storm. I'm working all three jobs now, and things are really going to pick up next week. When I had the chance to drop my weekend hours for the online tutoring company I work for, I jumped at it. I wanted some time to be a vegetable since I know I'll have very little of it in the future unless I'm being blatantly neglectful of my duties. That's probably my least favorite thing about teaching - the guilt. I feel so guilty when I don't feel like responding to students' emails right away or when I let papers sit for a while. I get over it though, I suppose. Ha.

In my last post I wrote about how there was no furniture in my office at school. It took a lot longer than expected as we just got furniture in there last Thursday. I didn't see the furniture until Friday, and when I finally saw it four out of the six desks had already been claimed. I felt like I was on an episode of The Real World, and I was getting stuck with the worst room. We're still waiting on new chairs, so in the meantime I have the worst chair as well.

The only saving grace was that I happened to be there when the guys from the IT department came to piece together computers for all of us. Since I was there I got better pieces. Office politics are funny.

In other news, last weekend TK and I spent a night at my parent's place the night before we followed them down to Atlanta for a Mets - Braves game. We've been trying to spend more time with my parents since we see TK's parents so much more frequently (they live closer). It was the longest road trip we've taken and TK's first Major League Baseball game. We had a blast, especially since the Mets won. Our night in the hotel was a treat too. Check out the Hampton in if you're looking for a hotel. They have newly designed beds that are super comfy. It was the most comfortable hotel bed I've ever slept in, which says a lot coming from the girl who has a sleep number!

It was just nice to have a mini-getaway for the holiday weekend. Coordinating mine and TK's schedule is no easy feat. He's working today, but I'm enjoying my Sunday nonetheless.

Back in business

2007-08-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

The new semester started today. I'm back to teaching 8am classes. I actually have the same schedule as last semester. It should just take me some time to readjust. I couldn't sleep last night. I was somewhere in-between consciousness. I got up at 5 so I had enough time to shower and make breakfast.

There were torrential rains before I left the house and severe thunder and lightning . It seemed fitting. :-)

Classes went fine. I rambled, made some lame jokes, tried to win them over with my quirkiness. Back to business.

I was looking through the in-class samples today and one student had written at the bottom, "This is completely off-topic, but thanks for having a sense of humor. It was a pleasant surprise." Haha.

It was a last-minute scramble to get my syllabi ready. I switched textbooks, and I'm trying a few new assignments. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, I'm going to be in a new office this year. The office space at my university is notoriously sparse. Most people have to share an office. I've been moved to an old conference room. It's been converted to office space for six of us. Remember my old colleague crush? He's one of the six. It's funny how much things change in a year!

Right now our office has no furniture. No desks, no computers, no chairs. That's a bit of a kink right now, but hopefully we'll have furniture by tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm nursing my blistered feet at home. I'll never wear flats with bare feet again!

Since coming home this afternoon, I've already answered around 10 emails from students.

Back in business, indeed.

A little piece of heaven

2007-08-20T09:49:00.000-05:00

This post is almost a month in the making. On July 23rd, I picked up the keys to my new apartment. I was so busy this summer working and getting ready for the fall that I didn't even post about looking for an apartment in the first place. But I did, and I found one, and it's great!

I've wanted my own place for a long time. In fact, ever since I was a young girl I've thought about what it would be like. I think I have spent more time in my life thinking about what it would be like to have my own place than I have thinking about what it would be like to get married (the fantasy of a lot of young girls). Almost every astrological description of a Taurus personality includes something about a focus on the home environment - wanting to make it beautiful, etc., and it has always rung true for me.

I've had some fabulous roommates in my history (hi girls!), but I've always moved into apartments where the roommate(s) have already been well-established in the apartment. This usually means that it was already furnished and decorated when I moved in. In some ways this always made me feel confined to my bedroom because the common areas didn't have my stamp on them so to speak.

As the end of my lease in Raleigh drew near, I really wanted to find a place of my own if I could afford it. I'm working three jobs in the fall to make sure I can, but so far it's definitely worth it. (Check with me again when I'm knee-deep in papers!).

I moved in at the end of my summer job. Since then I've been working fast and furiously to make it feel like home. I moved into a two bedroom two bath apartment. So far I'm happy with every room except the second bedroom. I need to buy a desk for it, but the finances need to be under wraps before I buy a nice one.

TK and I are talking about moving in together in six months or so. We spend almost every night together now, but for now it's good to still have two places. It gives me a few months to still have some me-time in my apartment. I will be excited to have him here *officially* once he does move in though. It will be a big step for me and for us, but it still feels right. I couldn't be happier.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying another cup of coffee at my small dining room table. Check out the photo of my living room. The couch and love seat were a great Craigslist find!

Damn the man

2007-08-07T21:54:00.000-05:00

Before I get to the other posts I’ve got lined up in the queue, I wanted to post about what happened yesterday. I was all set to have a relaxing day, do some work and hopefully post to the blog – which I really have been meaning to do for so long.

I began to realize that there were other plans for me as I soon found myself in a bureaucratic nightmare. I really felt like THE MAN was against me all day.

The highlights:

• I went to the other university I’ll be teaching at in the fall to fill out payroll information. Within minutes I realized that I couldn’t fill out the most important form because I didn’t have my passport with me. Of course I wasn’t told that I needed it.

• I came home to make a phone call to the transportation department at my main university because I was never contacted about the parking permit I signed up for over a month ago. I got the voice mail. Why is it so difficult to get humans on the phone anymore?

• I decided to stop by the transportation office in person, which is notoriously one of the offices on campus that is less than friendly. They gave me the run around. They told me that had no record of my original request and that I couldn’t buy a permit until next week because I was a temporary employee. I’m a full-time employee with benefits and monthly payment. They sent me off to my department with paperwork, which would mean I would have to drive to the other side of campus and use the 45 cents I had for a parking meter (which gets me around 20 minutes).

• I raced up to the department to get the paperwork filled out. The HR person was fuming when I told her about transportation. She was already having a bad day and sick of their attitudes. She called them to curse them out about refusing to give me a permit. It always pays to make friends with the HR people and secretaries in your offices!

• I went back to the transportation office, but they still refused to give me my permit with payroll deduction instead of flat payment. I didn’t feel like shelling out $300 for it, but they told me I didn’t qualify for payroll deduction because I’m on a year-to-year contract. I didn’t argue and paid for the thing even though I can’t afford it.

• With one last stop to make, I stopped at the post office to mail three things (2 of which were work related). One was stamped already, but I needed to buy two stamps to mail the others. I stopped at the slot outside the office to drop the stamped one in, but frazzled I dropped the wrong one in. I walked inside to ask for it to be retrieved. The post worker seemed miffed at my request. He rifled around in the bin, pulled a letter out and asked me the name of the addressee. I remembered it partially, but it didn’t satisfy him. I didn’t know the address. He refused to give it to me. Since it will be returned to the return address with an insufficient postage warning, he claimed I’d have to wait. Unfortunately, it’s for the summer job and it will be returned to an address where our office no longer exists.

Like I said: damn the man.

I was so peeved at that point. I came home and waited for TK to come over. We decompressed by eating the tacos I made for dinner, playing a game of Rummikub and watching Harry Potter (the first one) - we've both started reading the books. I should be reading for the classes I'll be teaching in the fall, but sssh about that.

Up for air

2007-07-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

Here I am again after being caught in the life wheel.

We’re halfway through our session at my summer job, and I’ve been caught up with planning for next year and spending time with TK and friends. I’ve had two house guests in back-to-back weeks (Vixen & the other laura!), and I’ve been hired for two part-time jobs in addition to my full-time teaching gig.

Aside from being stressed, things are going well in most areas. I definitely feel like my life is here in Raleigh, but I still think about the friends I miss from graduate school and Boston all the time. I’ve been trying so hard to schedule a trip up north with TK, but our schedules never seem to match up. Funds are also an issue, though that should get better for me in the coming months.

In addition to my full-time teaching job, I’ll be teaching another class at another university and tutoring online for a private company. It’s going to be hectic I’m sure, but I need the extra funds for bills!

One of those bills is going to be for a new apartment (which I’m still looking for). My landlady didn’t want my roommate and me to renew our lease, so I’ve been looking for a new apartment for the past week or so. I have an appointment after work today for a 2-bedroom place, but I’ll be living there alone for the time being. TK and I have thought about possibly moving in together 6 months down the line. I feel ready for it, but I also think it will be good for me to have my own place for a while before he moves in with me.

The strangest thing about these past few weeks has been being back at my summer job and thinking about what was going on a year ago with Sax. He’s not working here this summer, but I have felt haunted by the memories of when he was. In some ways, I’ve even felt like a part of the “cleansing” process has been about creating new memories with TK. I don’t miss Sax, but it’s strange to be confronted with those memories and remember the feelings I felt so strongly.

I guess I’m being continually reminded that eventually things cease to weigh on you as heavily as they once did. I’m glad that my carry-on baggage is still fairly light.

Going to the chapel

2007-05-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

On Sunday night I went out to dinner with TK and his family, as well as his twin's gf's family. I am an English professor and I don't know what to do when there are two possessions in play. Ladies?

Anyhow, there were 14 of us at a Brazilian steakhouse. It's one of those restaurants where they bring meat around on skewers and put some on your plate. They had 14 different kinds of meat, plus a hot and cold bar. My apologies to the vegetarian readers, for which I have most likely described a version of your hell, but the food was tasty. I even tried alligator. It was fine, but it was very salty. I'm getting distracted from my point.

My point: TK's twin proposed to his gf at the dinner, in front of everyone. She cried. I scrambled with the camera. She said yes. It was the first time I've ever been present for someone's engagement. Only the two moms knew that it was going to happen. They've been dating for 8 months, and every time I mention that to someone expecting disapproving reactions, I hear a new story about people who had known each other for two weeks, two months, etc, and how they've been married for 30 years, 45 years. CK keeps telling me that another couple's time line can't predict your own...but how do we ever know it's right for ourselves if everyone is different?

Marriage and weddings and rings (oh my!) have been on my mind for a bit now. A few posts ago, I assured you, my readers, my friends, not to worry, because I "wasn't imagining a wedding and the like." In nearly two months' time, the tables have turned. TK and I do talk about it. We've even talked details. Time line, location, honeymoon ideas, etc. I've never done the marriage talk with anyone. A few times the lawyer mentioned that he saw marriage in our future, but back then, we didn't talk about it specifically. I imagined it for a few minutes here or there, but it wasn't something I got caught up in. As I talked with Sunshine today, she told me I had "the fever."

I love romantic comedies like it's my job, but I've never really been one of those girls who has been planning or dreaming about her wedding since childhood. I don't have colors, I don't have a date in mind, or a dress sketch, or any of that. But slowly I feel myself making plans. I've even been to adiamondisforever.com and started designing rings. It's hard for me to admit this, since I know some of you are going to give me flak for it, but there it is.

A few minutes after TK's twin proposed, their mother looked at me, threw her arms in the air and exclaimed, "Next!" I told her that it has only been 3 months, and that there was still plenty of time. Later on in the evening, she came over behind me and TK, put her arms around us, and whispered, "Time doesn't matter."

I shooed her off, telling her it would take time for TK to save up for a ring, which is true. But I knew just that afternoon TK had asked me where I'd like to go on a honeymoon. And that evening as we drove home from dinner, he said he might start saving this summer.

I'm not sure how we got here this quickly, but maybe that's something I need to stop worrying about. I've never been someone who takes a lot of risks. I think through things until I've exhausted myself and my friends (though I'm sure that's clear by now), but I think I need to learn how to go with the proverbial flow a little more.

I just need to figure out how to do that.

The horror, the horror.

2007-05-13T09:10:00.000-05:00

It's always a bit awkward when you see someone from a certain part of your life out of context. This year I've run into students here or there off campus, but never too frequently. I saw two different students on two different match dates, and I saw another one in a grocery store late at night, who I promptly turned the corner to avoid.

But last night as I walked towards the bowling lane with TK, and Big D (first appearance on the blog as TK's new roommate), I saw a girl on the lane over wearing a pink windbreaker. She turned around, and lo and behold, it was one of my students from last fall. She looked horrified to see me there, and she promptly looked away, sat down and whispered vigorously to the guy she was with.

Mind you, she was not a student who did poorly in my class. In fact, I had very little interaction with her as I recall. I don't like to think of myself as a professor who deserves that kind of reaction when spotted in public, especially doing a harmless activity like bowling. It's not like she found me in a sex shop or something. Note to self: don't go into sex shops to avoid the very definition of an awkward encounter with a student.

It took her nearly 5 minutes to turn and look me in the eye to say "hi". When she finally did, I asked her how she was. She said, "good," and then started taking off her bowling shoes. They were at the end of their game mind you, but I have no idea if they had intended to leave before seeing me.

Man, I must be one scary professor.

The luckiest

2007-05-09T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'm alive!

At 10:30 this evening, I submitted grades for all three of my classes. I feel like I might have a little breathing room now, and less to feel guilty about when I spend so much time with TK. I will say though, that I was one tough b*tch with the grading this semester. I gave out so few As that I had to triple check everything. I can already imagine how many complaint emails I'm going to get. Yay.

So, I guess I should say that my absence from the blog hasn't been because of anything in particular. I've just had a hard time juggling all of my responsibilities, and TK has certainly moved to the top of that list. Or at least, he's a priority, not a responsibility.

Things are *great* between us. We've been dating for three months now, and everything that's lovey dovey and sticky sweet has been uttered and done.

I think that I can count the number of nights that we've spent apart over the past month on one hand. Tonight just happens to be one of those nights. We've gotten so used to spending the night together that we make it work under most circumstances. We're gearing up for June and July though, when I go back to my summer job. Both of our schedules are going to be insane, and we won't get to spend very much time together.

In the time away from the blog, TK and I have done the meet-the-parents gig with both sets, though I've been around his parents much more than he's been around mine (he's only met mine once). His mother is ready to marry us off and wait for me to start popping out babies; no joke. That is a big switch for me, because I never felt like my ex's mothers "liked" me all that much.

I also turned 26 last week. Oh, I guess it was a week ago today. I don't feel any different, but I had a great day. TK spoiled me, and we spent the night celebrating with dinner and bowling with friends.

Speaking of bowling, I'm on a bowling league now with TK, his brother, and a few of their friends. We bowled our second night last night, and we were shocked to find our team in the #1 spot. I don't know if we held onto it last night, but we're having fun. I got my own ball and shoes and everything. I know, I'm a dork. :-P

This dork is going to bed now though, and I'm not setting an alarm! How's that for lucky?

What I've learned

2007-04-05T09:42:00.000-05:00

I remember days when carrying a purse with your money, cell phone, and maybe lip gloss was all you needed.

I have two more things to add to that:

Always keep some extra Splenda on hand to sweeten your coffee when it's too bitter even after 3 packets.

Always keep a chocolate bar in reach to comfort you when your students are imbeciles.

No wonder our Mom's carry big purses; the list of potential emergencies only gets longer.

How they found me

2007-04-02T13:53:00.000-05:00

I have a SiteMeter for this page. It keeps track of how many hits my blog gets a day, as well as where my visitors come from. I can tell when someone checks my blog regularly but never comments (hello lurkers!), and I can tell whether or not someone found my page from a link on someone's page or came from a search engine.

Just for fun, I've been keeping track of some of the search terms that have brought people to my page. A lot of the time people find me by searching lyrics or song titles (since I use them quite often as post titles), but other times the search terms are really random.

Here's a selection from the past few months (in no particular order):

* Trespassers William
* what you do to the people you say you love
* miss almost miss maybe
* and the world spins madly on
* I broke his heart (aww)
* miss maybe
* sax “summer job” (at first I thought he found me)
* “law school” bc
* Budapest – finding prostitutes (one of my favorites!)
* the women are tall
* hate Velvet in Dupont (Such drama. I love her blog personally, even though she's on hiatus)
* love will come through, it’s just waiting for you (one of the most popular lyric searches)
* loneliness is a choice. so how about a cup of coffee? (yay for coffee, I say)
* blackberry brandy cold (mom's cold remedy!)
* Daughtry tour march 23 opening act Athenaeum

Just give me my coffee

2007-04-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

I've certainly written about my coffee addiction on the blog before, but this year it had been something I've gotten away from.

No longer living a block away from a coffee shop, and no longer needing to flirt with the cute barista behind the counter, it hasn't been a part of my daily routine. I've gotten coffee here or there at a place across from campus, but I wouldn't have categorized it as a *regular* practice. This has been good for my budget.

But this semester has been a bit tougher on me since I've been teaching the 8am class. Getting up every morning while it's still dark out has been a major adjustment for me. Mostly, I've struggled quite a bit with learning to go to bed at a more reasonable time. I have always been a bit of a night owl.

Now that I've added a new boyfriend into the mix, my morning caffeine fix has become more of an imperative. Due to sleeping in a bed with someone again (always an adjustment at first), and extra-curricular...ahem...activities, I haven't been getting very much sleep.

Hence, the extreme need for caffeine.

The problem is that I don't live around the corner from FP anymore (tear). The options I have as I drive to campus from both TK's apartment and my own are two Starbucks and a Bruegger's (bagel place). It's not as convenient to stop at the Bruegger's on my way from TK's, so I usually end up dashing into Starbucks.

Let me say that I have always had a bit of an issue with Starbucks.

Don't make me defend it, but I'm a bit turned off by the pervasiveness of the chain, as well as its association with yuppie America. I feel a little dirty when I go to a Starbucks, and not to mention I don't really like the coffee very much. I'd say it's a tad weak, in fact.

But I have had quite a few friends who have worked there. More friends than one hand can count, and I feel badly knocking the place that pays my friends.

But I do have a bone to pick with Starbucks' employees.

Before I started drinking specialty coffees - mochas, lattes, etc, I was always a bit intimidated by the ordering process. I couldn't keep track of all of the options. Tall. Grande. Skim. Non-fat. Soy. One shot. Vanilla. No foam. And on. And on, ad infinitum.

I remember a particular conversation amongst friends who were Starbucks' employees that their biggest pet peeve was that customers could never order in the right order.

I've always been self-conscious about making sure that I order in the right order...but also annoyed that every Starbucks employee will correct you if you order in the wrong order. It's almost like they can't make the drink if you utter it incorrectly. It's annoying, yes?

Has anyone else noticed this?

Today, I thought I finally had it right.

Everyday I try so hard. SO HARD. But everyday I eff it up and am exposed as someone who isn't capable of coming up with the right order.

"I'll have a grande iced skim latte, please."

"ICED GRANDE SKIM LATTE."

Does it really matter if I say "iced" or "grande" first?

Seriously?

Roar.

It's a bit condescending isn't it?

Maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I'm too sensitive about my coffee order at 7am. Regardless, I need to find a new coffee place to stop at.

Be here now

2007-03-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

Yay for joyous reunions.

I picked TK and his friend up at the airport yesterday. Ever since the movie Love Actually, I always think of airports as such a happy place - full of people standing around waiting to be reunited. Yes, I'm turning into a cornball. Or really, I have always been one.

The two of us spent our time luxuriating in each other (wink) yesterday afternoon and evening. I surprised him with a clean apartment and brownies. He made me close my eyes as he put a jade necklace around my neck. It's pretty! It turns out that guys buying jewelry is a great thing.

Being away from TK for 5 days definitely affected me. .

He caught me looking at him a few times, which is normally something he does to me.

I'm feeling less cautious and restrained about enjoying the relationship and where it's headed. The intensity of the felings that I had for Sax over the summer, which in the end were unreciprocated, left me questioning the credibility of those kinds of thoughts. It took me a while to stop worrying that the proverbial "other shoe" was going to drop with TK.

A certain part of me is still protecting myself and rationalizing, but the other part of me is enjoying our time and making plans for the future.

Don't worry; I'm not imagining a wedding and the like (though two people in my life already are), but I am thinking about some trips that we can take together. First on the list is a trip up north. TK has never been to NY, and he hasn't been to Boston since he was younger (he lived in Brookline for a bit). In May I'll have some time free, and I hope he can get the time off.

It's been hard for me not being able to introduce him to my gals up in Boston. He's brought me into that part of his life by introducing me to his twin and a lot of his friends. I've been impressed by how nice they've all been, and I've genuinely liked them all. I've never really done that before - where I've gained a new set of friends I could call mine from a relationship. I think this time I am going to have that. Right now I'm starting to feel like he's missing a piece of who I am by not being able to meet my friends. There are a few people in Raleigh I need to introduce him to (MD!), but most of them live elsewhere. That's another benefit from liking his friends so much; I'm expanding my circle!

I've never been the kind of person who likes to isolate myself in relationships. I know how easy it is to spend all of your time with the person you're dating and block everything and everyone else out. I hate that. I dislike it when people start saying, "We don't like this; We don't like that."

I've always loved and appreciated the poet, Rainer Maria Rilke (go read him if you haven't).

He writes a lot about relationships (even though his own were a little screwed up, or at least unconventional in most people's terms). But he says some great things:

"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other."

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”

“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.”

For me, it's always about finding that balance in the relationship. I recharge when I have me-time. I need to be able to tell where I end and the other person begins. I dislike the feeling when those boundaries begin to blur.

That kind of thinking seems to challenge the notions we have about relationships: "You complete me," "My other half," etc.

Hehe. I guess I wouldn't be *me* if I wasn't gushing on the one side about my new boyfriend and cynically analyzing on the other!

So my point (and I do have one), is that I'm glad that TK and I are able to be social and still have relationship time. More of that, I say!

Don't be alarmed if I fall, head over feet

2007-03-18T21:47:00.000-05:00

So much has happened in the past 10 days since I've posted.

Has it really been 10 days? I'm sorry.

I wish there was some way I could just transmit my posts from my brain to my blog while I compose the posts in my head, which is usually when I'm doing something else - showering, walking across campus, driving in my car. It doesn't seem to happen that way though. I need to be better about carving out blog time.

Part of what has been keeping me busy has been work, of course. Over Spring Break, I started the job downtown. It was fine to work during the break, but last week I had to figure out how I was going to balance it with teaching on top. I was also grading papers last week, so yeah, felt like a grumpy little worker. I don't have any papers to grade this week, so I'm hoping it will be better.

I put up some postcards in the cubicle, and the techies finally set the computer up so I can use it. I'm still a little creeped out by the fact that the woman who used it before me died. Though as CK pointed out, at least she didn't die at work. I didn't actually ask how she died though. Creeeeepy.

In other news, I've seen Flirt a few times since I've posted. Last weekend he went with my Mom and me to another concert. It was more of the same situation I already described. Mom picked up on the chemistry between us and gave me a hard time about it. I was feeling rather confused about the whole thing as my feelings for TK have been growing (more on that in a minute). Yesterday Flirt and I took a tour of a local brewery. Somehow we started talking about what was going on between us in a round-a-bout kind of way. Tired of the subtext, I laid it on the line. He admitted to being interested in me, and asked, "Are you happy now? I said it."

I am not sure I would say that I'm "happy," but yes, it was nice to get some validation. I wasn't imagining things.

Essentially we decided that it might be fun for a while, but long term possibilities might not be there. I also told him that I wanted to see where things were going with TK - that Flirt had essentially missed his window. And I feel good about things, as much as I can I guess given that I'm attracted to my "friend" and he's attracted to me.

I can't let that distract me though, because I've got a great guy in TK. And I don't want to screw it up.

When I first started seeing TK, I was cautious and admittedly a little spooked by the fact that he basically decided I was right for him so quickly. He has been so patient though, and attentive; ready, at the first sign of a green light to step up to the plate.

We spent a lot of time together during my break, I stayed over his place almost every night. (The new bed is super by the way). One night I stopped over there after coming back into town from my parent's house. I discovered I'd forgotten my toothbrush, and he ran to the grocery store at 1:30am to buy me a new one.

TK is that guy.

He's the kind of guy who notices when you leave your sweater on the couch and brings it to the car so you won't be cold in the restaurant.

He's the kind of guy who starts planning an overnight getaway for your birthday almost two months in advance.

And he's the kind of guy who calls on his vacation from a used bookstore to see if you want anything.

One night in bed he told me that he's "falling for me," and I'd have to say I'm right there with him.

Right now he's in Arizona, because his trip to Italy (for his brother's wedding) didn't happen. He tried to fly out Thursday night, but his plane never left Raleigh because the planes in Newark were grounded because of weather. Any new flights they would have gotten him on wouldn't have put him in Italy until after the wedding. What a bummer. He and his friend took it in stride (I would have been beside myself), and left for Arizona yesterday instead - since they already had a week off from work. Instead of Italy's Vatican and Coliseum, they've got Arizona's Grand Canyon, Montezuma's Castle, and Rainbow Bridge.

I'm happy he's having so much fun, but I miss him and wish I could be there with him!

OK, you can go gag now.

10 things

2007-03-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

10 (true) things that not many people know about me:

1. Sometimes I brush my teeth in the shower.
2. I check my email before I go to the bathroom in the morning.
3. I LOVE to sing along to my iPod while I'm driving.
4. The most insightful comments I made in classes were often on days I hadn't done the reading.
5. For an English major, I hardly know anything about grammar rules.
6. Television characters often show up in my dreams.
7. I ALWAYS look at people's shoes.
8. I like to sit or stand in corners so that no one is behind me.
9. I know how to waltz, cha cha, fox trot and shag
10. I attended a summer camp for Norwegian people for 7 summers.

She works hard for the money

2007-03-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

It's spring break at the university this week, but I started my second job on Monday.

I'll be working ~20hrs a week at an office building downtown. It's the first time that I've worked in a large office building. I have to sign in everyday and I'm using a cubicle. I hate to admit it, but I used to play office when I was a little girl. There's something exciting for me about having the office accoutrements.

I say using the cubicle, because it's not necessarily "mine" per se. The job should last for a few months, and then we might set up something a little more permanent. The creepy thing though is that the cubicle used to belong to a woman that recently passed away.

My first day was Monday, and as the woman I'm working with began to excitedly introduce me to everyone, they kept asking where they put me. When she told them, they all did the "ohhh" face.

None of her personal effects are still there, because they've been cleaned out. But there are old post-its here and there, and all of her binders and things are still there. I boxed a few of the things up and cleaned it up a bit. The space is mine to use until they fill her position again.

Tomorrow I'm going to bring in a few post-cards to liven the cube up a bit.

It's been fine working there this week because I haven't been teaching. I have neglected my grading though, so I wonder how things are going to be when I'm doing both jobs. The extra money is going to be great though.

I just banged up my car. Yes, again. But it's bad this time. It's funny how when you start bringing in more money you always have something else to spend it on. Thankfully my deductible is $250, but hopefully I'm done hitting stationary objects.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind

2007-03-04T13:24:00.000-05:00

It has been a very fun weekend, but one that hasn't been without its "confusing" moments.

I spent Friday and Saturday night going to concerts. I LOVE to go to live concerts, and it's not something that I've done enough over the past few years. I hardly went to any shows when I was living in Boston, and it's taken me a few months of being back in Raleigh to get started again.

Over the next few weeks, there are around 8 concerts that I would like to see. This weekend just kicked off the festivities.

Friday night was amazing, because I got to see an old college favorite - Athenaeum. I first heard Athenaeum on a late-night radio show in New York. It was one of those shows where they played almost the whole album and interviewed the band. I was instantly hooked. I bought the CD, but none of my friends really knew who they were (this was back in 1998-9). The first week of college, my new friends asked me if I had ever heard of the band Athenaeum, and if I wanted to go see them play at the Cat's Cradle in Chapel Hill. I hadn't known that they were a NC band. Over my four years in college, I saw them play many times.

I am absolutely in love with the lead singer, who is adorable. He's got the cutest smile, swagger, and a sexy sexy voice that sings "moody" songs.

The band split a few years ago, and the lead singer and guitarist formed another band called MG4. In a few weeks Athenaeum is opening for Daughtry, so they planned a reunion show in Raleigh to re-familiarize themselves with their songs. I got to reap the benefits!

Seeing them play again brought back so many great memories. My crush on the lead singer was rekindled (even though he's married). I enjoyed great music alongside friends who I haven't seen in years.

Now for the confusing element.

Over the past two-three months I've been spending time with a friend of mine who I've known since Freshman year of college. We've been friends through the years, though we've never seen each other or talked regularly. We've been through periods where we've both been single and attached. And things have always had an element of flirtation. I'm going to call him Flirt on the blog, because he is certainly that.

These past few months it started to confuse me. Almost every week we've had some sort of standing "date" whether it be a movie, lunch, dinner, watched a DVD at my place, etc. No matter what we've done, we've had fun and we've flirted. But nothing has happened. I found myself crushing, which as I've posted about before, is familiar territory for me with my male friends.

After I signed up for Match, I found out that he was on there as well. We've talked about it as the two of us have gone on dates, but I've been on many more than he has. I've also started seeing TK more seriously, and Flirt hasn't gotten to that stage with any of the women he's met. As things have progressed more with TK, Flirt has stopped asking me about it.

Flirt and I went to the concert together on Friday. We also had dinner beforehand. A few weeks ago I met his mother when the three of us went to a stand-up comedy show. So at dinner he said, "My mom wanted to know why I'm not dating you. She said, 'She's cute, smart, and funny. What's your problem?'"

"What did you say?"

"I said, I like having female friends."

"You're not dating me because you said no*"

Smile.

"...I just like having a few platonic female friends. They're hard to find."

Saturday afternoon I picked him up. We had lunch with his mom and then I drove the two of us to my parent's house (2hrs away). We went out for Mexican with my mom and then met up with her friend for a Sister Hazel concert (which was also amazing). At one point she leaned over to me and said, "Flirt is lying to you. The way he looks at you and smiles at you...there's no way he's not interested. Maybe he just doesn't want to screw things up."

I don't know what's behind those looks. But I do know that it's those sly looks, the blue eyes, and the great smile that are undeniably charming.

We stayed the night at my parent's last night. For the past few hours he's been in the living room playing video games with my brother. He's gotten along with my family in a way that I'm not sure that TK would at first.

I don't want you to think that I've forgotten about TK...because I haven't. I've talked to him everyday, and I miss him (since I haven't seen him since Thursday). Why is it though, that when you do meet someone, chances are there's someone else in the picture that complicates things just a little bit? I guess it's the chase that's fun with Flirt. It's also "easy" in a different way than it is with TK.

The past few weeks have truly been amazing with TK. I've started to let my guard down and "let him in." I haven't seen a lot of Flirt lately, so I thought I had shut the door on all of that. But I guess I knew that this weekend would stir the pot.

Oy.

* The week when I first started Match and went on 4-5 dates, I also went out for lunch, movie, and coffee with Flirt. When he asked me how my dates were, I said, "Even though I met some interesting people and went on all those dates, I was looking forward to seeing you more..." The rest of the afternoon he proceeded to flirt, and at one point asked me what I was thinking. I said, "I already told you, and you didn't respond." He said, "Well, I just decided not to run with it..."

I can't sit still; I've got a springtime song inside me

2007-03-01T10:42:00.000-05:00

I just absolutely love springtime. Springtime in NC is even better.

I love when everything starts turning green again, and the sun warms everything.

It’s almost skirt weather, which TK is looking forward to. I think that’s because I’m going to be wearing them and not the other way around, but…kidding!

Next week is the university’s spring break. I hate to say it, but I’m really looking forward to getting a break from my students. We’ve reached that point in the semester where my patience level is plummeting. The set of papers I’ve been grading have been so far off the mark that all the confidence I posted about in the last post is starting to mock me. My instruction is apparently falling on deaf ears. So the break comes at an important time. I need a week of me-time, even though I’m going to spend most of it working at my new second job downtown.

Last year I went to the Czech Republic and Hungary, so it’s a little hard to top that. I desperately wanted to visit Vixen in NYC, but poor planning and lack of funds on my part has tabled that for now. But here’s hoping that my partying days in NYC aren’t too far away!

I will get to spend some quality time with TK over break though, which I’m definitely looking forward to. In two weeks he’s flying to Italy for a week because his older brother is getting married. Lucky guy; I want to go to Italy!

Speaking of TK, things are progressing rather smoothly. We’ve definitely been doing a lot of “couple things” and have settled into a nice rhythm. I mentioned that last Saturday I met his friends, twin, and twin’s gf. I had a lot of fun. TK spent the night at my apartment afterwards. The next day I made him breakfast (French toast), and then we went shopping for new mattresses (for him). When he realized I wasn’t kidding about not staying over at his place, he decided it was time for a new bed. We spent the afternoon rolling around on mattresses, trying to find one that was comfortable and affordable. It’s being delivered on Friday; I can’t wait to test it out, even though it will have to wait until Sunday. Afterwards we had some lunch at my favorite Chinese place in Raleigh. Still not sick of each other, I made him spaghetti, meatballs, and garlic bread for dinner after we watched more Grey's Anatomy (he's hooked btw). It was a day of eating and lounging, and it felt great.

I realized how much his presence in my life is changing things when on Monday, after being stressed and upset, I called him to ask if I could come over. He gladly obliged. When I got there he rolled his desk chair to the living room so I could grade while he made me dinner. To me it said a lot that I could (and wanted to) go over there in my pullover and stretchy pants to get some reprieve from the things in my life that were stressing me out. He gave me space to do my work, and his kitties sat at my feet.

Yesterday we spent the day going from store-to-store for the new things he needs for his bed: good sheets, new pillows, etc. We indulged in Thai food, frozen custard, and sunshine.

I don’t want to gush, but I think you can tell I’m happy.

How good it can be

2007-02-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

I am starting to feel like Raleigh is my home again.

And that's actually somewhat unfortunate, because my parents might be calling me tonight to tell me that they're moving to New York.

Other than that, things are back on track. After the slump I was in last semester, it’s a welcome change to be back to my “normal” self again. I’m trying to get loose ends from my life in order, especially my finances. Paying on student loans, consolidating, making car payments, getting a second job, etc has all been part of the game. It’s the part of my life that I’m lagging in the “adult” department. It’s been hard to pull all this money from somewhere with my paltry salary, but I’m starting to feel a little better.

Other things are looking up too. My roommate situation has become more comfortable. I’m learning not to take it too personally when he finishes a bottle of wine I bought, and he’s learning to clean up the kitchen after he cooks. How sweet; compromise.

The biggest area of my life that I feel like I’m exercising more control is teaching. Last week I got my teaching evaluations back from last semester, and overall the response was positive. It was nice to get some validation and realize that all of my irrational thoughts about being a horrible instructor are just that – irrational. I don’t know if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I know that it’s what I want to do right now. I feel much more comfortable with the curriculum, which gives me a more authoritative presence in the classroom. I really hate the whole disciplinary side of my job, and I work with college students as opposed to high school so I can avoid most of those issues. But today I actually made two students separate because they talk all the time. I said, “You know what. Please go sit somewhere else, because I’m tired of being distracted by the two of you. Either you can move or consider leaving to have your conversation elsewhere.” Seriously.

Last week I had wanted to post, because I was going to react to that Boyfriend Advisory System that Jamy posted last week (actually it’s already been 10 days since that post; I’m a blogging slackass). When I first read it, I thought that TK and I were somewhere between the “Elevated” and “High” risk of calling each other bf and gf. After this weekend we have now bypassed the “Severe” status and gone straight to actual coupledom.

I think it was Friday night that he called me after work and at some point asked, “So can I call you my girlfriend now?” “Yes…” “Sweet!”

We even did the requisite MySpace and Facebook status changes. It’s crazy how that becomes such a big deal now. It’s where I get all my dirt now. Engagements. Breakups. Move-ins; (which Sax and his gf did by the way).

TK and I had a marathon date from Saturday to Sunday. I met his fraternal twin and his gf. I also met two other couples when the 8 of us went bowling.

TK spent the night on Saturday and didn’t leave until Sunday night, but I’ll have to post about all of that a bit later.

Stay tuned.

I got lucky

2007-02-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

Dirty readers.

That's not the kind of lucky I'm talking about (or at least writing about).

This morning I rolled over a few times, thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that it was light outside.

But I didn't bother to look at the time since my alarm hadn't gone off.

When I finally decided to take a peak at the alarm clock, I saw a 7. Then a 3. Then a 6.

!

7:36?! F*ck. I teach at 8am.

Somehow, I was up, dressed, brushed, and in my car by 7:46.

Nothing like complete panic to get you out the door.

I drove to campus and parked illegally in the parking lot across from the building where I teach. I have a campus permit, but not for that lot. I decided it was better to take my chances.

I was in the building by 7:58.

I was amazed.

Luckily I had the foresight to email my lecture notes to myself the night before, and I was able to pull them up and print them out within the computer classroom I teach in.

I muddled through the lecture in my 8am class (I hate days when I actually have to teach grammar), and was more on my game by the second class.

I rushed over to the parking lot so that I could move my car, praying that I wouldn't have a parking ticket.

At first, I thought I was in the clear, but then I saw the slip of paper under my wiper.

Damn.

It was a parking citation, but it was only a warning!

They didn't charge me anything since I do have a permit and have no previous citations.

Oh boy did I get lucky.

How I managed to not only get to campus on time looking somewhat respectable, teach two classes, and not get a parking ticket despite having parked illegally, I don't know.

The biggest offense is that I'm wearing a sweater when it's 70 some degrees outside.

But I can live with that.

Here's hoping the luck fairy continues to shine on me today as I finish putting together the teaching portfolio (due tomorrow) that is going to determine whether or not I get to keep my job.

But then again, I guess I need more than luck for that (though it never hurts).

Life got in the way

2007-02-20T00:04:00.000-05:00

I'm alive!

TK is still very much in the picture, though mentally/emotionally I'm sorting out a few things. More on that later. We had a nice Valentine's. He made me dinner, brought me two roses - one pink one red, and he gave me a silver heart-shaped trinket box that he had engraved with the question, "Will you be my Valentine??" Inside was a silver necklace with the letter "B" on it. It's my first piece of jewelry from a guy.

Very sweet.

I've been buried by work. Lots of papers, drafts, work on a teaching portfolio etc.

I'm starting a second job next week, so my life is just going to get even more hectic.

So far TK is pretty understanding, and he calls me regularly when he doesn't get to see me.

This weekend he wants to introduce me to a few of his friends - it's shaping up to be a "couple" outing. Silly boy wants to take me bowling again; we'll see how well he takes getting beat in front of the pals. ;-)

I promise to post more later, but I wanted to pop in.

Oh how I miss blogging.

He has plans

2007-02-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

So much happened in the course of one date yesterday. All of a sudden I'm on the relationship train, and to be honest, I'm surprised.

I don't know what I thought was going to happen with all of this match.com business, but I realize now that I hadn't mentally prepared myself for the possibility that I might actually meet someone I would like to have a "relationship" with. I know what you're thinking..."That's the whole point, yes?" Yes. Sure. I guess since things didn't work out the first time I tried it, I didn't go in with high expectations. I'm being quite serious when I say that what has been fun about this whole process so far has been that I haven't had high expectations. I haven't been nervous before going on my dates, because I didn't feel like I stood to lose very much. At the very least, I knew I'd meet some new, interesting men and hopefully have some fun along the way.

At the rate things were going, I was optimistic. I thought that one of them was bound to strike me more than the others. What I hadn't thought, I guess, is that things would ignite as quickly as they have with TK.

But that's where my predictions falter.

Because things are moving quickly.

Within the first few minutes of our marathon date yesterday, TK told me he had missed me. He told me that his friends and family had grilled him for details, making sure that he had plans to do something else with me.

Both starving, we ate our lunches relatively quickly. We talked briefly about the other dates we've had through match. I didn't elaborate too much on mine, but I said I had met a few guys. He had met a few girls as well, but said that he hadn't liked them as much as he liked me.

At this point, I was reeling from his honesty. I'm not used to men being so straightforward about their feelings. Last week Lauraley pointed out to me that I'm not bothered by TK's affections for me because I like him back. Whereas with the Inspector, I wanted to bolt.

After asking for permission (again) to kiss me in the parking lot, the rest of the day proceeded more naturally.

We bowled three games, the first of which I kicked his butt. I bowled a 170 to his 83. So much for promising not to beat him too badly. In all honesty, once I was on a roll, I had to see it through. I'm too competitive not to. He took it relatively well.

I was surprised by how affectionate he was with me in the bowling alley. Almost every other trip back from the lane, he kissed or hugged me. I'm sure it was gross to the bystanders. It didn't feel forced though. I find my comfort level with PDAs being defined by the partner; I've been less affectionate with some boyfriends and more with others.

Not wanting to end the date yet, we opted for a movie. Before reaching for my hand, he told me that he had wanted to hold it on our last date, but he had been too nervous.

It's odd for a man to be this honest, yes?

We went back to his apartment for a bit after the movie. He loses points on the state of his apartment: furniture, tidiness, small bed. My first thought was, "Yes. We will spend our time staying at my place."

We each had a brownie, and I made him watch a segment on Obama on 60 Minutes.

Cue makeout session.

Enter hickey.

I am 25yrs old, and I have my first hickey.

I have been marked.

Charming, I'm sure. I totally broke out the turtleneck sweater today.

Anyhow, the 2 and 1/2 hrs I spent at his apartment were full of compliments and declarations (mostly from him). He's making plans for me.

It's very clear that he's on board; full steam ahead. I spent the last hour at his apartment convincing him that I had to go home. And no, I could not call in sick to work the next day.

But I did get my wish; I will be getting some V-day love. He's coming over to my place to make me dinner; I didn't want to deal with the hassle of making reservations. He asked me what kind of flowers I like, and I responded: "All of them."

My ever-constant analytical brain is still processing all of this. I'm trying to catch my brain up to the feelings that are swirling around.

Right now it feels good, and that's about all I know.

The rest is still unwritten

2007-02-11T10:56:00.000-05:00

In case you've been wondering, I haven't been holding out on you about TK.

Since our date on Wednesday we've talked on the phone a few times. He called me on his way home from work on both Thursday and Friday. We made plans for this afternoon, which also happens to be his birthday.

We're meeting for lunch at a Thai restaurant and then we're going bowling. Bowling is not necessarily the most "romantic" thing to do on a date, but it's fun. So far I haven't been participating in too many activities on these dates - they've consisted of drinking, eating, and talking for the most part.

So it should be fun to go bowling. He made me promise that I won't beat him too badly.

I didn't want to do anything too dramatic for his birthday since it's only our third date. I opted to bake him brownies (which smell delicious btw) and give a cute card. The card says something like, "I hope you have a crazy birthday, but "fun" crazy, and not "the cat won't stop talking to me" crazy."

He has two cats, so I thought it fit.

I'm excited about today. Mostly I'm interested to see where things go.

Celebrating a birthday after just a few dates is not something I've done before. It adds a certain amount of "weight" to the day, because your birthday is the kind of day you want to spend with people who are important in your life. He had a celebration with his friends, family, and fraternal twin last night, so I feel better knowing that at least.

I realized last week that V-day is this week too...

So far one match guy (who I haven't met) emailed me to ask me what my plans are. I'm interested to see if TK mentions something today and also to see whether other match guys come out of the woodwork.

I've usually found myself in the camp with the rest of the people who end up resenting the day because it somehow manages to make you feel like crap regardless of your own rationalization about it being a Hallmark holiday. Last year I gave coffee guy a heart candy (that he never ate) and went out with the ladies. So as much as I hate to admit it, I hope I get some V-day attention this year.

I watch too many romantic comedies not to...

Just what I needed

2007-02-07T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today I broke the bad-second-date-streak* I've been riding.

I broke it with my first match kiss...

Last week I met TK for coffee, and like I said, I felt chemistry.

He has called me a few times since Thursday to talk and make plans for this week. I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him again.

We met for a late lunch at an off-the-beaten-path Mediterranean restaurant that I love. We had easy and light conversation. The food was delicious. As opposed to the other second dates I've been on with the match men, we fell into an easy rhythm.

We left his car at the restaurant, and I drove to the movie theater.

We saw Stranger Than Fiction, which I really enjoyed. He liked it too, though I appreciated the comments about literature a bit more (for obvious reasons).

Throughout the movie, he pulled the "I'm going to let my arm and leg lean against you in a nonchalant way" trick. I'm definitely familiar with it, and from my experience, it tends to work.

Afterwards, I drove him back to his car. He had other plans for his weekly "guy's night".

I flashed back to the end of my date with Techie, and I wondered if an awkward car hug was in my future, but I hoped the leg and arm touchy-touchy was headed somewhere more substantial.

We both remarked that we had fun and that we should do it again. He turned to me and smiled and then asked permission to kiss me. I just offered a simple, "yes."

It was a good kiss. Simple, sweet.

I smiled and said, "Have fun."

He replied, "I have to kiss you again first."

I think we have a front-runner, ladies and gentlemen... ;-)

* I didn't post about it, but I had a second date with SportsFan on Sunday. We met for lunch and it was decidedly awkward. When we parted, we both said "have a good day," but there was no mention of doing anything else. At least this time, the disinterest seemed to be mutual.

Can I get a do-over?

2007-02-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

I am bloody exhausted right now and I don't have the actual time to write what I might like to.

But I'm minutes away from bed, and I'm obsessing about a few things, which I know will keep me from sleep no matter how tired I am.

So I thought it was all worth a quick post as I might be "awake" for a bit anyway.

Yes.

So, I had one of those days where everything goes to shit, even if it's in the smallest way.

The best laid plans... (you know the rest)

I started off my day by getting "delayed" in an elevator. Delayed in the sense that it literally stopped mid-floors and didn't move for around 3 minutes. I was thisclose to pushing the emergency button.

And as the other laura asked, no I was not with a hot male; I was alone. One does wish for a hot male to be present if being stuck in an elevator is on the agenda, however.

I had awkward/difficult/funny/infuriating moments in class, of which I will not speak.

I almost forgot about a council meeting I had. I remembered said council meeting, at which we obsessed over the syntax and word choice of 3 choice sentences. This took an hour and 40 minutes.

I met MD for coffee and a decompression session.

At this point, it was 3pm and I had not eaten anything since 6am (which had been only yogurt). I devoured a muffin.

I managed to get *some* work done on an assignment sheet after MD left (even though I had planned to do grading, work on my teaching portfolio, etc).

Then I left to pick up my mother at the airport who was flying in from Amsterdam. And yes, she went there to do something other than sightsee. In fact, she did not see many sights.

Her flight was delayed an hour. Hurry up and wait.

I collected my wild mama and finally ate something ~9pm

We visited for a bit, but then I left her at her friend's house so I could come home and finish my lesson plan.

Unfortunately when I attempted to turn around in the road my shiny new car's bumper *kissed* a mailbox.

Said shiny new car has a nice little scratch.

Cue incessant voice in head that says, "You f*cking idiot."

Where is the damn rewind button?

Match by the numbers

2007-02-02T14:31:00.000-05:00

Days since I signed up…30

Times I’ve wondered whether or not it was a good idea…5

Number of times my profile has been viewed…688

Men who winked at me…22

I have winked at 32 men

113 emails received

Emails written…90

Men met…7

1 match guy spotted in public

Colleagues discovered...2

Times I’ve had a match date…8

Real life friends flirted with through match...1

3 coffee dates

4 meals eaten

Age of the man who last viewed my profile…52

63 match “connections”

Age of the youngest man who has contacted me…20

Times spotted by students on match dates…2

Number of second dates…1

3 hugs

Kisses on the cheek…1

1 movie watched

Length of the longest date…6 hours

Roses received…13

2 new men met this week

Number of dates planned this weekend…1

This is my 110th post

It's raining mens!

2007-02-01T18:02:00.000-05:00

I’ve been up to my new tricks this week. I say “new” because I wouldn’t say that I’ve ever really been someone to juggle multiple men. E once called me a “player” in graduate school, but I think my blog entries from the past year show that may have been an overstatement. ;-)

Doing match.com has opened the proverbial floodgates. It has certainly been fun so far. I love meeting new people, and it’s nice to feel *attractive* again.

The one thing I am struggling with, as I mentioned before, is telling someone I’m not interested when they express interest in me. So far I’ve had to do it with the Writer and the Inspector. Today I got my first “I don’t feel a dating vibe, but you’re a good person to be friends with” from someone. Just before I started writing this post I talked to WorldTraveler on IM. It’s funny, because I felt the most “chemistry” with him – that is, up until today.

Let me backtrack first.

Last night I finally met up with MusicMan. We were supposed to go out two weeks ago. He canceled on me, and then when we tried to make plans again, he seemed non-committal. To me it seemed like he was blowing me off, so I never answered his email. He emailed me on Tuesday to say that meeting for drinks was starting to “sound like a fable of sorts.” At first I was a bit miffed at his accusatory tone, as if I were the one blowing him off. But instead I emailed him back and we made plans for last night.

We planned to meet at a local draft house for something to eat and drinks.

He met me with a single pink rose.

The flower thing still surprises me.

I don’t know if it’s the southern chivalry thing or what, but very few men have given me flowers in my life. It just so happens that it’s happened twice recently. First I got the dozen roses from the Inspector, and now this. It’s cliché, but I do love roses.

We ended up having a lively conversation over dinner and drinks. MusicMan is very chatty and energetic. He’s cute in a black-rimmed glasses kind of way. He was funny. I cracked up for the first time on any of these dates. I definitely like guys who can make me laugh; it’s important to me.

I had to leave a little early since I teach so early now, but we parted with plans to do something in the future. I was intrigued. I definitely liked spending time with him, but I wasn’t sure if the interest was romantic. Definite potential though.

Today has been a snowy/icy/rainy day in Raleigh. I had plans to meet up with a new fella for coffee. At 6am this morning, I emailed him and said that I was still planning on meeting him, but I wanted to see how the weather played out the rest of the day. I anticipated that I might have to cancel at the last-minute in the name of safety (since people here cannot drive in weather conditions that are even remotely treacherous).

When I finished teaching my last class of the day, I opted to pick up some lunch and head straight for the coffee shop. I still had an hour and a half to kill before meeting him, but I figured that I could get some reading in.

I had very low expectations going into today’s meeting. I hadn’t been all that enthused by his emails, and his profile was pretty standard. In fact, I had let a few of his emails go unanswered, but he had remained persistent (which I told him) and I agreed to the meeting.

I will say that after spending two hours talking to him, my opinion of him has changed dramatically. I felt a lot of chemistry, and we seemed to have small things in common. When I got there I ordered a mint mocha instead of my usual iced latte. I wanted something sweet and warm. A few minutes after showing up, he went up to order his own beverage since I already had mine. When he sat back down, I asked what he had decided on. Yes, he also ordered a mint mocha.

We talked about cars. I said I had recently bought one. I have a 07 Sentra. He has a 06.

At one point, he asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. I found the question bold for a first meeting; one that is hard to ask (and answer) face-to-face. But I gave it my best shot.

I asked him in kind and when he gave his own answer, I felt myself nodding internally.

For the first time I walked away feeling excited about someone. On the other dates, I’ve been somewhat surprised by the comments the men have made – comments that imagine the two of us doing things in the future. “You’ll have to come over and I’ll make you such and such,” or “we’ll have to go there,” etc. It has always felt a premature. But today I found myself imagining things I’d like to do with him in the future. If it goes anywhere, making him watch Grey’s Anatomy will be one of the things on the list (he’s never seen it).

I don’t have a name for him yet. If we go out again, I’ll have to think of one.

So, yes. I’m up to new tricks. My friends are losing track of which man is which.

I am having fun though, and for the first time I feel like I’m bound to find a good one.

Red penny

2007-01-30T16:11:00.000-05:00

When I was a baby, my hair was so blond it was almost white. But then it turned brown, and has been so most of my life. It's naturally a honey brown type color. A little over a year ago I started coloring it a light auburn color. Over the summer I chose something a bit more red. The color is called red penny. I just colored it again over the weekend. Maybe it's a little creepy to just post a picture of my hair, but in the name of anonymity and everything, there it is.

So far I've had a few students ask me about it. Today a girl told me that it looked pretty.

Yay for my faux red hair.

Love will come through, it's just waiting for you

2007-01-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

Time to update.

I had a very relaxing weekend. I didn't schedule any match dates for the weekend, and I was glad that I didn't. It was nice to chill.

On Thursday night I met another match guy for a drink. I planned to meet him before going to the graduate class I've been attending so that we could keep it short and sweet. I'll call him SportsFan.

As soon as he sat down he said, "I'm sorry. I hacked my face this morning shaving. It's so embarrassing."

He had a cut above his top lip. I hadn't noticed it until he said it. It was cute that he was self-conscious about it.

We had a few beers in my old college haunt. We chatted for an hour. Mostly he asked me questions about things I had said in my profile. With the beer buzz, I launched into super chatty mode. I worried that I was being overwhelming, but he seemed interested since he kept asking follow-up questions.

I think we could have chatted longer, but I had to dart off to class. I love going by the way; it's great to attend a class without actually being enrolled.

I just sent SportsFan an email; I would like to see him again if he's interested.

Here's an update on the other men:

Shortly after posting about needing advice as to how to let the Inspector know that I wasn't interested, I sent him an email. It seemed that an email would be the best choice for both parties. For me, I could avoid having to hear his voice on the other end of the phone while I told him. For him, he could do whatever he pleased without having to maintain pleasantries. I used the standard let down, telling him that I thought he was a nice guy and that I had enjoyed meeting him, though I didn't think that we were suited for each other. I hated to use the old cliche, but I told him I hoped we could remain as friends, which I sincerely do.

He hasn't responded to the email, which is of course his right. I did and still do feel badly, and seeing the yellow roses he gave me certainly added to that.

But I am glad that I told him I wasn't interested before he got too carried away with imagining our future.

I heard from Techie on Thursday. He emailed me to say that he was sorry he hadn't been in touch sooner, because his work week had been hectic. He also said that he had won tickets to a show for Friday and wanted to know if I wanted to go with him, since he had enjoyed my company. Given the short notice, I had to decline since I already had plans.

Over the weekend I've been emailing with a few other potentials. We'll see how those shape up.

I'm still glad I'm doing this, but I realize now that it requires a big investment of my time.

But I guess I can't expect my next love interest to show up at my door, though that did happen to Vixen once.

Blog-ploding

2007-01-24T17:51:00.000-05:00

A quick post to plug a new team blog I've started with a few friends.

E, MD, RainyKate and I have joined forces to write about our experiences as college educators.

Go read our adjunk .

I'm tired of waking up when it's dark

2007-01-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

And she's back.

Last week was a bit crazy to say the least. Between the match dates and work, I barely had a spare minute to think.

I think I had more dates last week than I did my entire time living in Boston.

Also, I'm starting to feel like a walking zombie again, because I'm having a horrible time getting used to getting up at 5:30/6am to teach my 8am class. I just can't seem to fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

Anyhoo.

I've backed off a little this week, because I have my plate full trying to think of ways to tell a few of the fellas I've already gone out with that I'm not interested.

Let me explain.

Friday night I had another match date. I went out with Techie. The back story on Techie is that we had been exchanging emails amidst is crazy work schedule. We had discussed getting together for a movie, but it took a while for us to nail down definitive plans. In one email that he sent, he invited me to join him, his recently married friend, and said friend's wife for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.

Red flag.

I'm sorry, but it's already "hard" to meet someone for the first time, but it's even harder to join him on a double date. What was he thinking?

That's a recipe for a-w-k-w-a-r-d pie. Or maybe I should say cheesecake.

Needless to say, I said no to that invitation.

We finally made plans for Friday. We decided to meet earlier in the day, for a 4pm movie, hoping maybe to grab a bite to eat afterwards.

I went to meet him in my work clothes.

He had the wrong time for the movie, so we ended up seeing The Pursuit of Happyness. I enjoyed it by the way, it's "heavy," but it's not as depressing as everyone had warned me about. I didn't cry, I just choked up, so that says a lot. I cry like a nut at certain things. Damn Extreme Homes gets me every time.

After the movie was over, we went for dinner (I drove), and then after dinner he still wanted to do something else. There had been some uncomfortable lulls in the conversation, and I was reluctant to do something else. He suggested coffee (even though he doesn't drink it), and I played along.

Apparently, I am incapable of saying no.

At one point during coffee, and following a few more silences, he had a smirk on his face. I asked him what was up, and he said: "Oh, it's just that this is a first."

"What's a first?"

"I'm trying to figure out ways to prolong the date instead of the other way around."

It was approaching 10pm (6hrs later). We left the coffee place as they started to close up. We got in my car and without giving him a chance to suggest something else, I dropped him off at his car. He reached across the car to awkwardly hug me.

He said he'd call me.

Again, I didn't feel much of a "spark." He was a nice enough guy, but I didn't feel like I was getting as much from the conversation as I was putting in. He didn't always take my bait when I tried to generate something, so I was surprised when he said he was enjoying himself so much.

Saturday's date with Inspector felt even more awkward even though it was the second date. We met at a Japanese Steakhouse at the mall, and I knew from the start we were in for a long wait. A long wait turned into two hours, and the time we spent trying to pass the time felt like even longer. We walked. We went to the food court for water. We talked. We stood. We shifted. We browsed. We stood.

Before we had even eaten, I wanted to go home. My back began to hurt, and I felt my cranky meter rising.

At one point, I came out from the restaurant after having checked our status on the list, and he asked me if he looked like a security guard.

He was wearing black slacks, with a khaki-colored short-sleeve shirt with pockets tucked in. It was topped off with a black hat and heavy duty black shoes. Yes, he sort of did.

The fact that he was standing in front of a now-gated store with his arms behind his back increased the security factor even more.

"Yes, you sort of do," I said. "I'm sorry, if I'm being honest...yes."

Whoops.

Someone had evidently approached him to ask him if he was one.

Eventually we abandoned our now seemingly hopeless chance of Japanese dinner theater and opted for another restaurant instead.

We ate over more smalltalk, and I told him that "I was testing the waters," and that I had met other people that week.

He told me I was the only person he had met through Match so far, after a month.

We finished dinner around 10, and he also tried to come up with options to extend the evening. This time I just said that I wanted to go home.

I offered to drive him to his car given the chilly temperatures. He said that he had something for me.

That something was a dozen yellow roses.

Very sweet, of course.

But it made me wish that I liked him more. After our first date, I thought I should give it another shot. After the second, I knew that my interest was strictly platonic.

I should also say that he has been calling me regularly. He called me three times last week before our date. He called me today and left me a message to tell me that he was "thinking about me."

It's too much. Or really, it's too much because I don't feel the same way.

I'm glad to be dating again, but I never know what to do when I don't reciprocate their interest. I never learned that part. I've become more familiar with being on the other side.

That's why I had to back off a little this week. Until I figure out how to say "I'm not interested," I need to re-group.

I am meeting someone new for a drink on Thursday, but otherwise, I need your best advice on how to let these guys down easy.

Apparently, avoidance is my only trick so far.

Coffee and intrigue

2007-01-18T22:52:00.001-05:00

Last night I was supposed to meet music man for a drink. He called me late Tuesday night while I was on the phone with E (11pm), but I didn’t answer the beep. I’ve had a few match guys call while I’m on the other line, and I’ve decided I won’t switch over when I’m on the phone with a friend! :-P

E and I finished up our conversation around 11:30, and I checked my message.

In his message, music man called to tell me that his younger brother had just found out he had gotten accepted to the college I teach at, and that he was coming into town to stay with him and look around the campus. He said that he “apologized profusely” about having to cancel, and that he wanted to make “definitive plans to reschedule.” He was talking quickly as he reiterated that canceling the first time you’re supposed to meet someone is one of his biggest pet peeves.

I called him back, and we chatted for about 20 minutes or so. I told him not to worry about it. His story seemed genuine. I’ve talked the most with music man. He writes witty emails and has called a few times. Out of the men this week, I was most curious about meeting him.

He inquired about the weekend, and I told him I was busy. He didn’t press the issue and said he’d give me a call so we could figure something out for next week.

I may not have met music man last night, but I didn’t sit home alone.

Enter: WorldTraveler.

Match Date # 3: WorldTraveler
6:30 PM, Wednesday

Out of the guys I’ve met so far, and even those I’m talking with through email, he’s probably the one I had talked to least. He had tried calling me a few times, but he always got my voicemail.

Wednesday afternoon he sent me an IM to ask what I was up to. We chatted for a few minutes and then he signed off. Later in the day, he sent me an IM to ask if I wanted to meet for coffee. Since my plans with music man had fallen through, I thought it was worth going. In my little interaction with him, I wasn’t that interested in meeting him yet, but I’m trying to get out there. Right?

I arrived a few minutes early (at a different coffee shop from where I met Inspector) and stayed in my car to stay warm. A red SUV pulled up next to me. I glanced out of the corner of my eye, but tried not to draw attention to myself. In my quick glance, I thought it might be WorldTraveler. I glanced in my rear-view mirror to get a better look, but I couldn’t tell.

So I left the warmth of my car and walked up to the coffee shop. As I walked to pull the door, he was walking towards the glass.

He was dressed nicely in his work clothes: black slacks, black shoes, and striped button down shirt. He was tall, thin, dark, and cute.

I had opted for jeans with brown keyhole flats and had layered a brown pinstripe jacket over a long v-neck shirt with matching v-neck camisole.

He reached out his hand to shake mine. He grasped it firmly, but not hard.

We walked towards the counter to order. I ordered green tea and he, mocha.

I reached for my wallet, and he promptly waived me off.

As we stood there waiting for his mocha, he asked me how my day had been. I noticed his eyes sweeping over me, and I felt distinctly like he was looking at the top of my head.

Then he said, “You look better in person than you do in your pictures.”

“Ah, thanks…I guess it’s better than the other way around.”

He smiled.

We eventually collected his drink and found a seat. His legs collided with mine under the small table.

We sat closely and drank our warm beverages in front of the drafty door.

We talked about our jobs, books, our adjusting to Raleigh after both having recently moved, and our experiences with match.

He reached over and touched the sleeve of my jacket and then pointed toward my shirt as his finger brushed the scarf I had left on.

“You look nice. You’re very put-together.”

“I guess I’m a bit matchy-matchy.”

I was surprised at the ease of our interaction. He leaned closer at the table, and I noticed his dark eyes. He looked better in person too, and I loved his accent.

He told me that he had come to meet me for coffee while he was waiting for his job’s California office to close. He had to go back to work before he could go home.

We finished up and headed towards the door.

I ruined the moment as I clipped the raised floor. Luckily I didn’t fall, and I laughed it off.

His SUV was parked next to my Sentra.

“It’s easy for me to walk you to your car.”

“Yes, how convenient.”

He reached to hug me, and I could smell his cologne and leather jacket. He said, “I’m busy the next few days, but I enjoyed meeting you. I’ll call you soon.”

“Sounds good, I’m busy too.”

It felt good to be busy with something other than grading papers for a change.

Circle, circle, dot. dot. dot.

2007-01-18T15:32:00.000-05:00

Match Date # 2: The Writer
12:30 PM, Tuesday afternoon

Out of the men who contacted me during the first few days after I had signed up, I thought that the Writer and I probably had the potential for the most in common. We had been through the same English department as undergrads. He had studied writing and I had studied literature. We both went somewhere else for graduate programs and had both returned to Raleigh.

He writes professionally now, for a few different places. Being the nerd that I am, I, of course, found all of that very interesting.

I also thought it was endearing when after I made a comment in an email that I had always been interested in how people got involved in writing for television shows, he responded with basically a how-to guide for my distant dream. He apologized for “geeking out.”

I’m definitely one of those girls who find that kind of thing attractive rather than the other way around. If a guy can’t “teach” me something, or if he can’t “keep up” so to speak, I lose interest quickly.

We made a date to have lunch after I finished teaching at a restaurant near the college.

The restaurant is frequented by a lot of the other professors in the department. I have been there a handful of times, and it never fails; I always see someone from the department there. It’s one of the “nicer” restaurants on the strip, and it’s rare that you’ll see a student there.

By the time I finished teaching for the day, I was already batting 1,000 (as they say). The night before, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep at all. With teaching the 8am class this semester, I’ve been trying desperately to go to sleep before my usual 1am. Monday night I hadn’t been successful at all and had tossed and turned until sometime after 2am. My alarm went off at 5:30, and as I got up I wondered how I was going to teach three classes let alone make for an interesting lunch date. I was also cursing the weatherman, as rain and cold temperatures had been forecasted. It was overcast, yes, but not raining. And it wasn’t cold.

I opened the large wood door to the restaurant weighed down by my briefcase; umbrella and winter coat and saw the Writer sitting there like a little boy on the bench. He looked nervous, self-conscious, and confused.

I smiled and walked towards him, saying “hi” cheerfully. He stammered, stood up, and said, “the party is here” to the hostess.

I like to consider myself good company, but I’m not sure that I qualify as “a party.”

We both walked toward our table, but then he stopped, turned, and asked if I wanted the inside or the outside.

I was glad he offered, because I always prefer a seat that leaves me less exposed to the surrounding tables.

Over the next hour, we ordered food (me: swordfish salad, him: fish tacos), and made our way through conversation.

I quickly realized that he was very nervous, or at least, socially awkward. He kept jilting our unsteady table, shocked each time that it had moved so violently.

He also kept putting his fingers to his forehead in a concerted way.

I noticed an interesting facial expression that he sometimes made, where he bared his teeth in a type of grimace.

His eyes kept darting to my abundant cleavage and I self-consciously tried to catch the errant greens from my salad that never seemed to make it from the fork to my mouth in a dignified manner.

At one point in the conversation I described myself as a very social person – someone who enjoys most activities as long as I have good company. I lamented that I hadn’t been as social as I would like since moving back down here.

Conversely, he described himself as someone who is hardly social (surprise). He “geeked out” on me a few times as he discussed his Tivo habits and love of comic books.

As the lunch progressed, I realized that I could move him out of the “has potential” pile.

I felt badly as I found myself watching the cute bartender behind him.

I am trying to keep an open-mind about these dates, but if there’s one thing I’ve been able to nail down about what “type” of guy I like, it’s someone who has a strong enough personality to carry conversation and intrigue me. I knew quickly that he didn’t feel comfortable, and I didn’t think it was necessarily the fact that he was meeting someone for the first time.

He nervously checked his watch a few times and gave me an estimated time of his departure.

“I’ve really enjoyed having lunch with you. You… You seem really nice. But I only paid for an hour and a half in the pay lot, and I got here early. So I have to leave soon. I will have to leave in 7 minutes.”

I thanked him for the lunch, and started to gather my things. But I realized that he had something more to say.

“I think you’re… you’re really nice. I enjoyed meeting you. I. I was wondering if you would like to go to a movie on Friday. There is an independent theater I like to go to. And they’re showing something on Friday if you would like to go? Also. I would like to get your email address or your phone number.”

“I can give you my email address.”

“Okay. Okay, great. Oh. Gmail. Great. I use that one too.”

“About Friday, I have tentative plans with a friend, so can I get back to you?”

“Sure.”

Moments later he rushed up from his seat, and I told him he could go on ahead of me.

Then he was gone.

I gathered the rest of my stuff and left the restaurant.

As I crossed the street and walked through the campus, I hoped that my potential plans with another match guy would be confirmed for Friday. The Writer was nice, but I knew he was not the kind of guy I would want to date, though I wouldn’t mind having him as a friend. But I also knew that I couldn’t lead him on in any way, nor did I want to lie. I emailed him last night telling him that I have plans for Friday (which I do), and he responded this morning seemingly picking up on my lack of interest despite my two-line email.

Next!

That's how you fight loneliness

2007-01-17T17:45:00.000-05:00

Match Date # 1: The Inspector
2:30 PM, Monday afternoon

As I prepared to go meet Inspector, I reviewed our correspondence thus far. He had emailed me a few times, the first telling me he felt “compelled” to write me after seeing my profile. He had also emailed me to welcome me back to NC when I returned from Boston. The night before our meeting, we had conversed on IM a bit. He told me that he was looking forward to meeting me at least three or four times. I was turned off somewhat by his eagerness. I also found his repeated use of “lol” after most of my responses hokey. However, he was traveling an hour to meet me, and I had already vowed to myself that I would give most everyone a fair shot and try not to judge too much by Internet communication.

I approached the meeting casually. It was nearly 75 degrees; so I opted for jeans, flip flops, a purple v-neck tee, and a light black cardigan. As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a man tentatively walk up to the doors of the coffee shop, Inspector. He had on jeans; a black button down shirt tucked in and rolled at the elbows, and a black baseball cap.

I parked, checked myself in the mirror for anything awry, and walked towards the coffee shop.

He was nowhere to be seen, so I peaked inside. Again, not in sight.

I walked back outside, confused, and saw him come around the corner of the building.

We were both 10 minutes early.

I walked towards him to shake his hand, but he just lightly grasped mine.

Maybe a handshake is a poor choice on my part, but it seems better than not doing anything.

We walked inside, and I immediately ordered an iced latte. He seemed to stammer a minute, and said that he just wanted tea.

I am more and more convinced that men who ask you to get a cup of coffee don’t usually drink coffee.

I offered to pay as we momentarily both stood there awkwardly with our wallets out.

We sat down and I asked him if he found the place okay. He assured me that directions were good and that he had double-checked on mapquest.

Over the next two hours we chatted relatively easily. We talked about our jobs, traveling, music, iPods, new cars, apartments, and our families. When the conversation turned to food and cooking, he told me that he made “mean grilled chicken,” and that I would have to come to his place sometime so he could make it for me.

I found that two hours passed relatively easily, though I started to get a bit antsy about getting back to the work I needed to do.

He excused himself to the bathroom and said that he didn’t want to keep me any longer.

He offered to walk me to my car and once again lightly shook my hand, saying that he hoped we could do it again.

I felt confident when I said, “Yes, definitely.”

Overall, I felt good about how things had gone. I walked away not knowing if I was interested in him in that way, but he had more potential than I expected.

A few hours later, he emailed me to tell me that he had thoroughly enjoyed meeting me, and that he would be “honored” to take me out again. He suggested dinner and a movie for Saturday, though he had to make sure he was off from work.

I emailed later to say that Saturday should be doable, inquiring about when he would know whether he would need to work.

The next day (Yesterday), he emailed me and called me, twice, to firm up plans.

It was sweet, in a way, but I also worried about him being seemingly very interested given my state of non-commitment.

Needing to decide a few more things, we talked for a few minutes on IM last night. When I said hello, he asked: “Is this the most beautiful English professor at ****”

Okay, again. Sweet. But perhaps too much.

At some point he also called me “darlin” and “cutie.”

He had gone from being slightly nervous to full-steam ahead.

I wondered if it’s easier for him to say those kinds of things online and whether or not he would do the same on Saturday.

I guess I’ll see.

In the meantime, a student asked me in class if I had been at that coffee shop. Apparently he had been at the next table. Lord knows what he heard.

Regardless, here’s to being back in the ring!

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match

2007-01-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned, I signed up for match.com before my trip to Boston. Given my nearly pathetic levels of social activity (both friendly and romantic), I figured that it was time for another foray into the realm of online dating. Coincidentally, Velvet recently decided the same. Charming , however, recently ended her subscription to match. So far, I'm happy with my decision to give this a try - though I'm probably one (or two) dates away from feeling otherwise!

Admittedly, the initial response I received was a bit overwhelming. Signing up before leaving town for a few days was probably not the best idea I've had. I found myself inundated with winks and emails, and I found it hard to keep up or even sift through them to decide if any of them were promising. Then once I got back to Raleigh, I was busy with preparing for the start of the semester, since I had so successfully put it off.

Now, after getting my bearings a bit, I have this to report:

* I'm receiving fewer emails/winks from men in their 40s, which is promising. I was a little skeeved out there for a bit. I certainly ascribe to the line of thinking that says "age is just a number," but when some of these men are older than my stepfather and not that much younger than my real father, it leaves me feeling, for lack of a better word, dirty.

* Apparently my single male colleagues think that match is a good idea too. I already talked about finding the one, but then this morning another colleague showed up in my potential matches they send through email. Now I just need to find out if the other colleague I'm really interested in (who doesn't have a specific name on the blog) is on there too! (See background on him here ) It's getting too confusing. I need to give them blog names.

* Colleagues aren't the only people I've found on match. Or, I should say, have found me. A friend of mine, who I mentioned in this post IMed me the other night wanting to know how I liked match. I was confused at first, thinking I had given him my blog address, though that seemed unlikely. But he told me I had shown up in his search and that he hadn't known if it would be "okay" for him to look at my profile. I told him I didn't care and proceeded to look him up. He complimented me on sounding "funny and smart," and we traded winks on match. I proceeded to shamelessly flirt and we scheduled a "date" for the weekend. I went out with him on Friday, and we have plans again this weekend. I am unsure where that's going...

* It's hard for me to ignore people that contact me. Maybe it's my lack of dating activity, or my problems with saying no to people, but I've been liberal with my response, even to those I am not sure I will be interested in/attracted to. Perhaps that's a big part of why the process is a bit exhausting - it's like a part-time job.

* I don't know if it's the location switch from the first time I tried match (Boston to Raleigh), or the profile picture I'm using this time around, but I've received SO much more response this go-around. There's just something about the sepia-toned, half-smile, picture that I took from the computer camera in my office last year that gets the guys' attention.

* In this short amount of time, my dating life is already looking up. I met the first of three guys I have plans with this week, today. I met one for coffee today, who I'll call Inspector. Tomorrow I have lunch plans with another, who I'll call the Writer. On Wednesday, it's drink plans with Music Man. Busy. Busy. The hard part is trying to schedule them in-between work and the graduate course I'm sitting in on.

* As much as possible, I'm trying to meet the guys I'm communicating with very quickly. I've only talked on the phone with one of them - Music Man, though another one called me tonight and left a message (he doesn't have a name yet). Though I could potentially be setting myself up for a public meeting with a complete psycho, I'd rather meet them before I form too much of an impression about them.

That's the update so far. Hopefully if I have time this week, I want to post separately about each guy I'm meeting this week. A post about Inspector and our coffee date today will follow later.

Yay for new men!

There and back again

2007-01-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

This is my 100th post; a blog milestone!

I came back from Boston last Monday, and it's been a crazy few days. I had to prepare for the start of the semester, and I've had a heck of a time adjusting to my new schedule so far. I'm teaching an 8am class for the first time. I'm learning to go to bed earlier, because it's hard enough getting up when it's dark out on 7hrs of sleep. Enough about all of that though.

My trip to Boston was bumpy (there and back) travel-wise, but the visit part of it was great! I got to see almost everyone that I wanted to, and I got to eat (and drink) at a few of my favorite places.

The trip started with major delays to my flight. I should have landed in Boston a few minutes after 9, but I didn't get in until 11ish. I was exhausted and cranky! On Friday I put all of that behind me and started the day by meeting E and Sunshine at French Press. Coffee guy was working and was excited to see me. Mmm. We didn't get to chat for too long, but it was nice to see that smile again. He remembered small details about my life, and I was impressed by his memory. Oh, how I miss going to FP everyday.

The rest of Friday was filled with catching up, thai lunches, a movie at Sunshine's, and then dinner and drinks with CK. CK and I headed downtown to meet up with E and her friends, but we were late so it ended up only being one.

Saturday was great because it was a low-key kind of day. CK and I headed to Coolidge Corner for burritos at Anna's and then dessert at Finale. A bit later, I met Sunshine, W. and E. to head out to Cambridge for dinner at Rainy Kate's. She recently got married over the summer, so we had a nice dinner with the married couple. We got to see her beautiful wedding photos and catch up. Rainy Kate and I are talking about starting a teaching blog, so I'll keep you posted on that! Saturday passed so quickly, and I found myself not thinking about my life in Raleigh at all. I miss Boston a little more than I realized, and I don't think it's all about missing my friends. I miss the city too.

Sunday a bunch of us had a wonderful brunch at Devlin's. Afterwards I played a good niece and went out to Medford to visit my two uncles. That evening I met CK downtown for dinner at my favorite Boston chain - Bertucci's.

Monday morning I rushed off to meet L. for another cup of coffee at FP. L. was my roommate last year, and she had been away all weekend on business in Atlanta. I was really glad to have a chance to see her, and I was secretly hoping that I would get to see Coffee Guy once more. He wasn't there at first, and I was bummed. But he came in a short bit after I got there. We chatted a bit more and he gave me a free latte for the T ride to the airport.

It was a whirlwind of a trip, but I loved every second of it. It was nice to be around people who already know me. I enjoy meeting new people, but it can be a lot of work - putting on a "show" of sorts. I hope I have a chance to go back again soon!

I almost missed my connection in Charlotte, and I had to run through 3 terminals. I hate to cut things close. The plane literally took off 5 minutes after they shut the door behind me. I could have dealt without the hairy travel there and back, but at least I made it back!

Part of me regrets my decision to move back to Raleigh a bit more after the trip, but I also feel like I haven't necessarily given it a fair chance. I'm getting out more now that I'm back, and I'm also trying to jump-start my dating life by using match. More on that very soon!

Too late

2007-01-09T23:09:00.000-05:00

I need to post about my trip to Boston. But instead, I'm going to publicly scold myself for being disorganized.

For a while now I've been anticipating my blog-iversary. I was going to do a whole cheesy post and everything.

That would have been January 6th. I missed it.

Haha.

Well, at least I was in Boston having fun.

Details on that later.

Supermodel

2007-01-09T20:41:00.001-05:00

My gay roommate is playing RuPaul.

That is all (for now).

Under construction

2007-01-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! If you're reading this then you've found my new blog address.

I still need to make a few updates to the page, since none of the links under "Favorite Posts" will work; they're linked to the old blog. I will update those as soon as I have a chance. In the meantime, everything else should be kosher. Please let me know if there is a problem.

Please update your links and bookmarks.

I have to go get ready to leave for the airport!

I'll post as soon as I have a chance.

PS: The teacher I contacted through match (not my colleague) responded. Yay for prospects. He sounds nice, and he's my age.

There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

2007-01-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

A few posts back, I mentioned that I had news to share about Sax. Then I didn't post anything, because I wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling or thinking, and I didn't know if I wanted to flesh that out in the blog again.

But now you'll get an abbreviated update, because it is a small contributor to something I did today. (More on that later).

It was Sax's birthday a few weeks ago. We hadn't spoken since August - since the email where he told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because of his girlfriend. I never responded to that email. It came at an unfortunate time, because I had just said a few days before (to my friend) that I felt comfortable not speaking to him for a while. Then his email screwed everything up. It made it dramatic, and it made it seem like the choice wasn't mine anymore.

Then his birthday rolled around, and I unfortunately saw that he and his gf had broken up. I found this out because of those silly little "status" inclusions in MySpace profiles. My seemingly harmless desire to wish him a happy birthday (nothing more) would now look opportunistic on my part.

But I emailed him anyway. It was short and guarded.

Over the next few days, we wrote back and forth a few times. He apologized to me and said I was "right" about a few things, and he told me he’d been looking at my profile.

It made me feel better. Not his apology, but breaking the silence. I don't do well with leaving things on bad terms with people.

But afterwards, I wondered what I wanted out of the exchanges, and whether or not it gave me any more closure.

The emails have dribbled off for now, and I think that's a good thing. Friendly banter is good, but it's not good to get caught up in "what-if" questions. I've begun to realize that you shouldn't want someone who doesn't want you back. It hurts, sure, but I don't want to do that anymore.

Well, that was a lot more than I intended to say about all of that. I have half a mind to delete it all, but for now it stays.

With all of that building in the background, and all of the romantic comedies I've been watching lately (as well as the news of Sunshine’s engagement!), I realized how much I haven't put myself out there these past few months. Sure, I was licking my wounds, and I was getting adjusted to my new life in Raleigh, but I miss dating!

Last night I found myself browsing match.com, and I tinkered with a free profile. I was bored, and avoiding working on my syllabus. I found one profile that I was really intrigued by - another teacher, same age.

When I woke up this morning, I had a match email. An email I couldn't read without subscribing. Sneaky.

I couldn't help but wonder if it was from the teacher, even though I hadn't contacted him. After a few hours of wondering, I signed up.

In the past, I haven't been the biggest fan of online dating. I am wary of the expectations it sets up, but I also realize that I've become a bit of a homebody since moving back to Raleigh, and the only men who come to my apartment are gay. No luck there.

Signing up for match is my way of putting myself out there. I cringed at how much money I was spending, but I hope something pans out.

So far, it's been a whirlwind of a day. I can hardly keep up. I've gotten 20 or so winks and emails. It's a full-time job.

Admittedly, far too many have been from men in their 40s, but there are a few promising choices.

I've already managed to spot a co-worker on there. I saw him in my profile views and wondered why he looked familiar. Lo-and-behold, he's someone who got hired with me. I thought about ignoring it, but I couldn't resist. I sent him an email telling him that I always worried that someone I know would see me on there, and there he was. I told him it must be a sign that online dating isn't uncommon as we both thought. I hope he's not the kind of guy who embarrasses easily, as I will be seeing him at a staff meeting next week.

The emails have been "interesting" so far, and it's only been one day, but I will continue to explore, for blog fodder if nothing else.

I emailed the teacher and hope he responds.

Okay, now I absolutely must finish packing for Boston and pretend to do work on my syllabus.

That is all.

Is this the new year, or just another night?

2007-01-01T23:11:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!

I still remember all the fuss right before the millenium and how freaked out everyone was, but now here we are in 2007. Insert cliche here.

New Years Eve is always a bit of a letdown for me. The last exciting New Years I had was when I was twelve. My friend's mother got remarried on NYE. It was a late candle-lit ceremony. They had a fabulous reception where we got to ring in the new year and they served a breakfast buffet. Most people don't get married in NY in the middle of the winter, but it's a really sweet idea I think - ring in the new year and start your new lives. It also gives people a great party to go to on NYE.

Otherwise, New Years has been pretty un-eventful for me since then. Last night as my plans fell through and I searched for something else to do, I mildly resented the fact that a holiday should make me feel guilty for not having exciting plans. I can't really bitch though, because I willingly opted out my contingency plan to go to a party in Chapel Hill that I was invited to. I wasn't going to know many people there at all (read: almost none), and I didn't feel like spending NYE with a bunch of strangers.

I enjoyed some chinese food and a few beers instead. Inquisitor stopped by for a bit and we chatted. I probably won't see him again before he leaves since I'm going to Boston in a few days.

This break has gone so fast. I spent a week with the family, and then we drove up to New York for four days. Which was mostly nice by the way; I got see a cousin I haven't seen in years and meet her new baby. On Thursday I head up to Boston and have a staff meeting the day after I get back. Classes start again on the 11th.

Anyhow, I guess it's appropriate to do a year-in-review for a new years post. For that, I'm going to steal a survey one of my friends posted on MySpace. I know, I'm so original.

Where did you ring in the new year, 2006?
You know, I've had a hard time remembering what I did. I'm pretty sure I was home visiting the family. It was memorable, quite obviously. :-)

What was your status by Valentines Day?
Single. I did give a chocolate heart candy to coffee guy, though.

Were you in school anytime this year?
Sure was. January-May. Now I just work at one.

How did you earn your keep?
See above.

Did you ever have to go to the hospital?
Not in 2006. It's an improvement!

Did you ever encounter the police in 2006?
I encountered a state trooper.

Where did you go on vacation?
The Czech Republic and Hungary!

What did you purchase that was over $500?
My car!

What sporting events did you go to?
Two Sox games, a Mets game, and a few my brother's baseball and flag football games. (Watching 10yr olds play football is adorable, btw).

What concerts did you go to?
Two Guster concerts, two Sister Hazel concerts, Ray LaMontagne, State Radio, and a few classical music performances with CK. ;-)

Describe your birthday:
I believe I taught a class and then promptly met Sunshine and E for coffee at French Press. For dinner it was mexican with my other ladies and then out for coffee and ice cream with Vixen. It was during finals, but it was still fabulous. Turning 25 felt like a big deal.

What's the one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2006?
Call a professor at 12:30 in the morning and hang up on her after telling her I hated my life.

What is one thing you regretted this year?
See above, though it did make for good posts. Kidding, sort of. Ah, I guess I regret gaining weight again. I never regret anything big, even the stuff that lead to sadness. It's not worth dwelling on those things - every event in your life leads to the next. You can't pick and choose what ends up defining who you are. Once again...captain cornball at your service.

What's something that you learned about yourself?
I learned that I can't handle the no-strings-attached kind of relationship. It was fun to try though, even though it ended up badly. I also learned that I have problems dialing the phone.

What was your best month?
June

What was your worst month?
August

How would you rate 2006 on a scale of 1 (shitty) to 10?
6.5ish because of the past few months

All in all, 2006 had some great moments. I think the highlights most definitely include finishing my Master's degree, having lots of fun with my ladies in Boston, going to Europe again, getting caught up in someone again, and getting my first big-girl job. The gag reel most certainly includes falling down the stairs in Budapest (and off the T in Boston...and on the dance floor...), and calling my professor and hanging up on her, twice. I think I've had tunnel-vision the past few months about the things that have been getting me down, but when I think about all of the other things I did this year, things seem less bleak. I think the blog is great for that, because I can go back and remember all of that stuff, even if my life was a bad sitcom at times. So thanks for reading and letting me blather on about my life. And Happy New Year!

Cheers.

'Tis the Season

2006-12-25T11:54:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone. I hope you're all well. Love, me.

Ain't it good to know you've got a friend

2006-12-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

Like most, I've found that it becomes harder and harder to make new friends when you leave the protective womb of the university. I think most people end up talking to co-workers to gripe about work problems, but that doesn't always extend outside the office (except maybe to Happy Hour).

Since moving back to Raleigh, I've caught up with a few old friends and seen a few people from my summer job here and there. It's never usually a "regular" thing though, so I don't have built in friends that I spend a lot of time with. Instead it's a movie here or a lunch there, and the random things that I think to myself or experience on a daily basis don't end up getting shared. Instead I search for "big" things to talk about, which usually just ends up being a rant about teaching.

Vixen and I have talked about the fact that our lives seem less interesting. It becomes harder and harder to tell witty stories when my life consists mostly of going back and forth between home and school.

The botched evening with Inquisitor left me feeling the truth of the statement that you can never go "home" again. Even though I've moved back to Raleigh, I know that it won't be the same experience I had when I was a student here.

I spent a lot of time as a kid wishing that I were an adult. Seriously, I used to talk about it a lot. Mom always used to tell me that as soon as I was one, I would just want to go back to my youth. I don't think I'd like to go back to being five, but I wouldn't mind going back to college on some days. In part, it's why I went to graduate school and perhaps why I still teach at a university. Being involved with a university is something I have a hard time imagining my life without.

My first few months in Raleigh were definitely lonely, but things are looking up.

Inquisitor and I talked after our night of awkward conversation, and we've both decided to forget most of what both of us said that night (though I can only imagine what kinds of things he'll tell Enigma about me).

Thursday night I went to Greensboro to see a few people from my summer job. I hadn't seen most of them since I left in July. Tom was a gracious host with yummy snacks and good tunes. I also got to see Meka, who I love to pieces. We spent the requisite time talking about who was or was not returning this summer, as well as speculating about who will take over as director. It was great to see everyone, but it made me realize that this summer is going to be very different without most of those people returning. I told Meka that I'm a bit nervous about what it's going to be like there this summer, but I hope the changes aren't bad, just different.

After Christmas I might make a trip up to New York for a few days, and I'm hoping to catch up with my friend, Six (childhood nickname), that I haven't seen for a few years. I should be back in Raleigh for New Years and am hoping to get some face time with my friend Lauraley who will be up visiting from Atlanta. Then it's up to Boston for a few days. I am beyond excited.

I promised E that I would not bring my stressed self with me. We vowed to have lots of fun before the semester starts back up for both of us (she's in a PhD program). Our plans revolve around reunions, shopping, food, dancing, and drinks. It doesn't get much better than that.

I've always hated New Years' Resolutions. I think that if you're going to make changes in your life, you shouldn't need a holiday to do so. But this year I am making a few promises to myself. I will eat better. I will be more organized (with everything). I will go out more. I will make new friends in Raleigh and spend more time with the ones that I have! I'm off to a good start because I've already made one new friend at work (hi MD!).

In the meantime, I'm going to go email a few friends that I miss and have been neglecting. To my friends who read this blog: thanks for being you; I love you all.

I won't apologize for being a cornball, because if you know me, you already knew that I am one!

Happy Holidays everyone! Go call a friend.

Prelude 12/21

2006-12-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

I spent a good amount of money today.

I finally bought a few Christmas presents for my immediate family. I waited a long time this year since I've been watching my money, and in the end I just ended up buying gift cards. It's not very personal, but at least they'll be able to buy things that they want. After sneaking a peek at the gift someone sent me, I realized just how important that is. It's really tough to tell someone how much you love their gift, when you don't really like it much at all!

I also just downloaded 30+ songs on iTunes. I'm completely addicted. I've downloaded close to 1,000 songs in the past year and a half. Some of those were free or from gift cards, but yes, that's more money than I'd like to admit to spending on music.

I don't really buy CDs anymore unless it's an artist or band I've been listening to for a long time, like Guster.

I primarily listen to my iPod when I'm driving in my car; I hardly ever listen to the radio. So I need a steady flow of new music...or at least that's how I justify it to myself. :-P

Some of my choices from today's bulk purchase:

8mm - Forever and Ever Amen
AFI - Prelude 12/21 (Oh look, it's the post's title and the date. How convenient!)
The American Analog Set - Cool Kids Keep
Jackson Waters - Center of Attention
José González - Heartbeats
La Rocca - Goodnight
Ok go - Oh Lately It's So Quiet
Smith Point - Goodbye
Trespassers William - Different Stars

Check them out if you're looking for something new!

He sneaks in on nights and weekends

2006-12-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

When I first applied to college, I applied with Psychology as my first choice in major. One of the colleges I applied to asked for a second choice. At the time, I was also doing well in my college-level English class I was taking. In high school, I was in honors classes and I was accelerated in math and science, but when it came time for my senior year, I opted for the college level Psychology course and English course which were taught through Syracuse University. My high school was relatively moderate in size: ~1000 students.

Of the 30 or so kids that I had been fast-tracked with, I was closer to the middle or bottom of that group. Taking the college level English class was a gamble. I got the distinct impression that it was a very difficult course. There was talk that there were students who were projected to do well and those who were not. I was one of those students who they worried about.

But something clicked for me in that class. The writing assignments were more difficult than a lot of the things I was asked to write in college. After one or two papers, the instructor (who had also taught me for 10th grade honors) started to have more confidence in me.

So it was with this in mind that I put English down as my second choice in major. But in truth, it was Psychology that I wanted to study. I've always been fascinated my human behavior and interaction. Funnily enough, my birthday, May 2nd, is the Day of Human Observation. I tend to exhaust myself analyzing not only others' behavior, but also my own as well.

I guess this blog is testament to that.

I applied to 3 colleges. I was wait-listed at one and accepted to two. One was in Virginia and one was in North Carolina. The school in Virginia accepted me for Psychology. The school in North Carolina accepted me for English. In the end, I chose the school in North Carolina. I chose it with the intention of switching to Psychology once I got there.

My first semester in college I took two Psychology courses: Social Psychology and Educational Psychology. I also took an early American Lit course with the instructor I had observed on one of my visits.

I was one of the few freshmen amidst juniors. I tried to prove myself. I also tended to speak up in discussion when it seemed evident that many had not done the reading. I disliked most of what we read, but I liked the professor.

At the end of the semester he pulled me aside and told me to take a particular instructor before I graduated. I was curious that he seemed so adamant that I take this guy.

The next semester, still classified as an English major, I registered for the one class that all majors were required to take with the recommended professor.

He blew me away. He was engaging, wickedly intelligent, funny, and provocative. I was continually impressed by his ability to engage students in discussion about difficult texts. I was also encouraged by the fact that he was so interested in hearing what students thought about the reading. He was not the kind of literature instructor who had already reached the "right" interpretation. He had theories, sure, but he wanted to know what we thought too.

I know now that it's because of him that I stayed an English major.

I also went on to take 10 courses with this man before I graduated.

I believe I have the record even though so many other students repeated his courses - Enigma and Inquisitor were two of those people.

When I graduated, I felt like almost every literary thought I had in my brain belonged to him. He exposed me to texts that have most assuredly changed the way that I read both other texts and the world around me.

I used to go back to the suite in my dorm and tell outrageous stories about things that he had said in class or things students had done. Some of the stories seemed fabricated at times. But I continually realized that the college experience I was having was different from that of my friends. With each class I took from the man, he only spurred me on more. I think I could spend a lifetime learning from this man, and he would still have more to teach me. It's because of him that I spent many nights reading Rilke at 2am.

Fittingly, the last class that I attended in college was his class, on my birthday. He dedicated the class to me.

I left a year later for graduate school, somewhat terrified that I would not encounter another instructor like him. But I also looked forward to figuring out whether or not my thoughts about literature were my own, or just what I had absorbed from him.

I certainly had classes that I enjoyed in graduate school, but no one else has taught me the way he has.

When I came back to teach at my alma mater, I looked forward to coming back to see him. I knew that I would have the occasional opportunity to sit in on a class or two of his, and I looked forward to being able to drop by his office again - something I did very little of with professors in graduate school.

As luck would have it, he took his first sabbatical this term. I'd go into the mailroom and see his mailbox fill up and then empty, so I knew that he has been stopping by somewhat regularly. But I haven't seen him at all.

The other day a colleague of mine (who is always there), told me that he had seen him recently. He told me that he usually sneaks in on nights and weekends. It was no wonder then that I hadn't seen him.

I chuckled to think of him skulking into the department at such times. It just adds to his enigmatic status.

Last Thursday my stepfather spent the night at my apartment because he had job training in Durham. It was a two-day event, and he had homework to work on that night. He used my computer here at the apartment, but I don't have a printer. So I offered to take him to the department so we could print and make copies there. We went to campus around 9pm.

On our way out, I reached for the door to the street and saw the elusive professor on the other side of the glass.

It was an immediate rush. I remembered why there was a pull for me to come back to Raleigh despite the fact that I left so many friends in Boston.

We chatted for a few minutes and I inquired about sitting in on the graduate course he's teaching next semester (on Nabokov). He told me that it was full, but he'd let me in. Only me.

I can't wait.

In the rough

2006-12-17T02:35:00.000-05:00

I'm tired right now, but I'm still jacked up on all of the coffee I drank tonight.

In a way though, it's good that I'm still awake because my roommate and his boy came home drunk and loud not too long ago. It would have most certainly woken me up had I been asleep.

I have nowhere to be tomorrow, but yet it's still things like that that make me yearn for my own apartment.

Tonight I went out with my friend, Inquisitor. He came into town from the Czech Republic the other night. He hasn't been back to the States in 2 1/2 yrs. I visited him and Enigma last March.

I was looking forward to seeing him for a few reasons.

For one, he's one of the people that I associate with Raleigh. When we were in college, we spent many nights out a bar or a coffee shop drinking and talking. We used to talk for hours. Granted, things got complicated when I had a thing for Enigma and Inquisitor misconstrued the situation. But I have always liked spending time with him. He questions things at a level that makes me tired sometimes, but he also changes my perspective. I think it's important to have people in our lives that do that for us.

It makes me recall an IM conversation with E that I had about Inquisitor last year though, which I saved as an away message:

BC: he's brilliant
E: brilliant friends are a pain in the ass
E: I avoid them like the plague
E: I like spazzes myself
BC: yeah, he makes me feel inadequate
E: I say cut him off
E: brilliant people are creepy

I was also looking forward to seeing him because I haven't talked to Enigma in months. I sent him a few emails after I got my new job, but he hasn't responded. As more time passes, it's unnerving me more and more. This is probably the longest Enigma and I have gone without speaking, and it's starting to feel less like absentmindedness on his part and more like deliberate avoidance.

In a way, I feel really badly about the fact that Inquisitor always gets caught in the middle of things when it comes to Enigma and me. I wanted to find out what Enigma has been up to, and I know that he will ask the same of me when Inquisitor returns. It annoys the shit out of me that I know that everything I say or do will be relayed to Enigma. If we were both that curious about each other, you'd think that we could talk to one another rather than having to use an interlocutor.

The problem is that there's always an edge to my voice when I talk to Inquisitor about Enigma. He invariably will come up in every conversation we have, and I know that I never do a good job of disguising the fact that Enigma gets to me. He pushes my buttons, even without speaking to me.

The funny (*infuriating) thing is that Enigma and Inquisitor have been living together in a foreign country for years, being one of the few people that both speak to on a regular basis, and Inquisitor knows as little about what Enigma feels, intends, or thinks as I do.

Enigma came up within 10 minutes tonight, and it set the tone for the evening when I could scarcely disguise my annoyance with the fact that I haven't heard from him in so long.

I inquired as to why Enigma didn't come back to the States for Christmas this year, and whether or not he was planning to move back for an MFA program as he had mentioned the last time I talked to him.

Inquisitor didn't have a clue on either front.

Enigma popped up in conversation a few other times during the evening, and it just seemed to make our conversation even more strained.

Aside from that, Inquisitor and I had difficulty speaking about other things as well. I've opted for the predictable choices in life - I went to graduate school and I got a job. Inquisitor has spent almost 3yrs bouncing around Europe and is living with a Czech girl. Of the three of us, I've always been the one who was better at and more willing to "play the game." The two of them reject most choices in life that seem scripted in some way. So as we tried to find common ground for conversation, we kept hitting roadblocks. The past few months I've been so caught up in the mundanity of getting adjusted to my new life post-grad school, that I've felt like a pretty boring person. Tonight I felt that way more than ever.

As I tried to divert the attention away from me, I found that Inquisitor was reluctant to elaborate on anything from his life.

We kept changing locations, thinking perhaps that we would fall into a more natural rhythm. We started out at a restaurant. He had already eaten, so I ate uncomfortably as he watched. Then we went for coffee. We sat outside and tried to make conversation amidst the loud tables nearby as one guy launched into a diatribe about “t*ts.” Next we went to a pool hall and played one game of foosball and one of darts as we drank a beer. Next we went to iHop and drank 3 cups of coffee. Next we came to my apartment so I could show him where I lived and scour my bookshelves so he could see what I read in grad school.

The most heated discussion we had dealt with all the philosophical, social, and intellectual problems with America (as he sees it).

So yeah, I came home feeling like shit.

I was really looking forward to seeing him, but I left feeling horribly awkward and exposed.

I don't think I brought my best self with me tonight.

I think that is probably the most strained outing I've had with someone I call a friend in a long time.

And right about now I hate the fact that this is the kind of thing I'll obsess over for a while.

Skip to the end

2006-12-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

At last!

I’ve wanted to post for a few days, but I’ve been trying to wrap everything up for school.

Grades for all three classes have been submitted. I am officially done aside from the changes I want to make to my syllabus over the break. Yay!

I’m glad to have one semester under my belt. It really did take me almost the full semester to adjust to everything, because essentially I was teaching curriculum that was completely different from what I was teaching last year, and I was teaching someone else’s assignments. Now I at least know what works, and what doesn’t. I also know how to articulate what I want from the students better. I think some of them are going to be unhappy with their grades, but I’m learning not to take that as personally. I just keep trying to remind myself that I grade as fairly as possible, and it’s not me giving them a specific grade; it’s what they earn. It’s so strange being on the other side.

I’ve had a few students tell me that they learned a lot, and I hope that they did. It’s always rewarding to see them improve from the beginning of the semester to the end, but sometimes I wish that I knew how they do in the future…whether or not they remember things I’ve said when they write papers for other classes.

Teaching really is like having children in a way. But I only get them for a short time, and then I send them off.

Listen to me; I’m such a sap.

Anyway, I’m done!

Into the groove

2006-12-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to post for a couple of days now, but I've been busy with school stuff. Between yesterday and today, I sat through 9hrs of student presentations. They don't pay me enough.

I've been in a better mood though. I had a nice weekend at home with the parents. We decorated for the holidays, and my Grandfather and his wife stopped by for a night on their way to Florida. They're doing the whole "snow bird" thing from NY. It was really nice to spend some time with the fam without having anything from school hanging over my head. It was also nice to enjoy a longer drive in my car, which I love by the way.

On Friday night I emailed my new crush because I had a work-related question to ask. When he wrote back he told me to "feel free to stop by" his office on Monday while he was returning papers. Hmm. That definitely piqued my interest, because I really don't know him that well. I had probably only spoken to him for a total of five minutes since I met him.

Yesterday when my first class finished their presentations, I went downstairs to his office to see if he was still hanging around.

He was there.

He was lounging in a T-shirt and jeans. He looked cute in a Saturday-afternoon kind of way. When I walked in, I realized that one of his office-mates was there. That deflated me a bit. It became a strict work-type conversation about teaching and end-of-semester drama. It was still nice to chat with him though. He seems funny. It's too bad though that I've just now had a decent conversation with him, since we're coming up on break.

New crushes are always fun though.

What's funny is that over the weekend I looked myself up on ratemyprofessor.com, but I wasn't on there. So then I started looking up colleagues, and I found posts for him. Most of the students were commenting on how "dreamy" he is. One of them actually said, "He had me at comma splice." Haha.

I'll spend the next few days grading papers, but after that I'm free of school-related obligations. I do have to revise my syllabus for next semester, however.

In other news, I booked a flight to Boston for after New Years. I'm going up Jan 4-8, and I'm staying with CK. E is going to be visiting from Austin that weekend too (we tried to sync our trips up) I'm so excited! It's going to be great to see some of my ladies. I'll also have to make a trip back to FP to see coffee guy. He IMs me sometimes now, but I prefer the over-the-counter flirtation.

Yes, things are looking up.

In the next few days I have to post about Enigma/Inquisitor and Sax.

So much to report about the mens!

New lows

2006-12-09T01:03:00.000-05:00

It’s almost 1am, and I should go to sleep.

But I think I’m exploiting the fact that I have Internet access right now.

We’ve been having a lot of problems with our connection at the apartment this week. What makes it worse is that we share a wireless connection with the landlord who lives next door. The box is in her apartment, so when it goes out or needs to be reset, I either have to go knock on her door and ask her to do it, or wait until she leaves the apartment to use her spare key and do it myself.

Neither of those things is possible when it goes out at 11pm, which is what happened Tuesday night.

When I got home from work on Thursday night, it was still on the fritz. But even after asking her to reset it, it still wasn’t working.

At that moment, I realized just how dependent I am on the Internet.

I needed to email a student because she had missed my class for the fifth time, and according to the university’s policy, that results in failure of the course.

Not wanting to ask my landlord to reset the box again or to go back to campus, I came up with a plan.

I decided to drive to the coffee place not too far from my apartment because I knew they had a wireless connection.

It seems like an easy enough idea right, go inside and order a cup of coffee and use their wireless connection.

But if you know me by now, you know that it’s never that clear-cut.

I hadn’t yet eaten dinner, and my back was still hurting, and I certainly didn’t want to spend money on coffee when I’d already eaten lunch out that day.

So instead, I thought it would be brilliant to sit in the car and see if I could still pick up the signal from the parking lot.

Picture this: me, sitting in my car, with the window rolled down and my laptop half out the window letting in the freezing air.

Did I do this?

Yes. Yes I did.

Did I look ridiculous?

Yes. Yes I did.

The whole process took much longer than I would have liked, and I can only imagine what the girls who were sitting near the window thought I was doing. I’m sure I looked like a cheap bastard exploiting a wireless signal.

Wait, that’s exactly what I was doing.

New lows people, new lows.

To go, please

2006-12-07T13:17:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to save money lately. One way I've been trying to do that is to not buy lunch and dinner out so much. So yesterday I went to the grocery store to pick up the bare minimum. I packed a lunch this morning so that I wouldn't have to eat out while on campus all day.

I forgot it on the counter.

That was my first mistake.

Then I made the mistake of going to a bagel sandwich shop across the street and sitting next to two girls who did nothing but bitch, whine, and cackle the whole time. I've found that when dining alone, you're virtually forced to listen to the conversations in your vicinity, even when trying to drown them out with a book or an iPod.

Highlights included one friend telling the other that she couldn't stop by the restaurant they both worked at to try to pick up an extra shift because she would take money away from her. She told her friend, "I need the money. Don't come in. You'll take money away from my tips." "But I need the money too....I need to buy Christmas presents," the girl said meekly.

Her friend responded animatedly, "Christmas presents?! Who do you have to buy for?" "Well I have to buy for..." She proceeded to count on her fingers how many people she had to buy for. It was one of those conversations where I could quickly tell that the hand counter was the kind of friend and person who always competes with her company to show that she is worse off.

Their conversation then deteriorated into the hand counter telling her friend how "fat" her 11-yr old cousin was. They snickered about her weight as they incredulously stated that they both wore size 4s.

Let's just say that my lunch was ruined as I became increasingly annoyed by the conversation that I couldn't help but listen to, and my insecurity emerged when they began to talk about weight and sizes. It wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to hear on a bloated day, even if they weren't talking about me.

I wondered if my conversations ever annoy the person at the next table who is eating alone.

Next time I'll take my sandwich to go and eat at my desk!

Tomorrow never knows

2006-12-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

It was a very long day, and my brain is quite mushy. So I figured it's the perfect time to post!

Today is an ex's birthday, so I've been thinking about him a bit. It has been a little over three years since we've spoken. We dated my senior year of college and his final year of law school. I would say that I was in a near euphoric state for the first 6-7 months of our relationship. I was accused of having perma-grin. Then bam, everything shifted. I don't know if it was the fact that he was studying for the BAR or if it was the fact that I was trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life while I waited to apply for graduate programs, but I went from being completely smitten to completely annoyed. The change was dramatic even from my perspective, so I imagine that it came out of nowhere for him.

We fought about the fact that I wanted to go up north for graduate school through most of our relationship. He thought I was choosing school over him and that I didn't value the relationship or where it was headed. I was bothered by the fact that he didn't understand why it was important to me and wanted him to at least consider making long distance work or moving with me. In the end, we couldn't compromise. I broke up with him, and in retrospect I realize that I broke his heart. Quickly after breaking up he stopped talking to me, and we've had no contact since.

It's funny how something like a birthday can cause all of that to come flooding back. I've always been intrigued by how every relationship changes us and stays with us.

Yesterday I met an old friend for lunch. I hadn't seen him since before I broke up with the lawyer. He recently broke up with someone he had been dating for almost 4yrs and is trying to get back into the scene. He's going through the standard online dating options. We started talking about how relationships change you, for better or worse. I've always been surprised after emerging from the relationship, how much I've changed or lost sense of "who I am."

But of course identity and our conception of it are always so tenuous. I think that most people like to think that there is someone out there for us somewhere. Someone who is going to "complete us," but that kind of thinking is dangerous too. Because it implies that we're not whole without that other person. What if we never find him or her? Are we supposed to walk around forever incomplete?

Maybe it's easier for me to debunk such an idea when I'm single. Either way, I was a little disturbed, or at least took note of the fact that my mood changed significantly yesterday just at the prospect of meeting my friend for lunch. I didn't go in thinking that it would be romantic by any means, but the mere idea that I was going to be with a male changed my attitude, my choice in clothing, etc. In the end, I guess that's funny, rather than disturbing, or at least humorously disturbing.

One of the main reasons I'm planning on going to a gathering with my colleagues on Friday is also with the hope in mind that my crush is going to be there.

I guess my point is that even though I can spend this much time analyzing my previous relationships, choices, current behavior, and the implications, it doesn't mean that it's going to stop me from being driven by the need to receive attention and affection from the opposite sex.

As my pal Eeyore would say, "Oh, bother."

I am displaced

2006-12-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

I'm realizing that it becomes harder and harder to write a post when I've let it lapse this long.

It's difficult to just jump right in, especially when the reasons why I haven't been posting still hold true. That being that I've been in quite a funk and am having trouble finding my way out of it.

Blogging about it always seems to come off as me being whiny, and that's not what I want to turn this blog into.

So, I'll just avoid all of that.

There is one more week of classes left before the exam period. I'm really looking forward to the semester being over. I'm ready to recharge my batteries a bit, revise my syllabus (now that I'm more familiar with the course), and think about my future plans a bit.

I'm also looking forward to Christmas. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. Christmas in North Carolina always feels a bit weird for me though. It's never quite cold enough, and there usually isn't much snow (read: none). But I love the Christmas lights and the tree, and I love that there's still a big part of my ten year old little brother that still believes in Santa.

In other news, I bought my new car last Wednesday. After a month or so of looking, it came down to the Honda Civic and the Nissan Sentra. The Civic was definitely winning out over all others until I saw the Sentra. Once Nissan came down to my price (after a few days of me being really disappointed that I wasn't getting the car I wanted), I bought the car. I have no idea how I'm going to fare financially over the next month or so after I got killed in deductions for a mandatory retirement program, but I'm quite pleased with the car. My days of driving the old Taurus are gone.

Now I just need my mood to match my shiny new car.

Give me comfort in a bottle, please

2006-11-08T21:49:00.001-05:00

I have my first cold of the season. I was thinking earlier about the fact that people always say things like “You’ll catch a cold,” or “I’ve caught a cold.” I’m not sure a cold is ever something that people are chasing after.

Wednesdays are my day off, and I planned to spend it commenting on students’ drafts, which I did. But I went out this morning to run a few errands and pick up things to tend to my cold. I called my Mom this morning and she gave me a shopping list: lemon zinger tea, honey, soup, and blackberry brandy. My Mom always tells me to drink blackberry brandy instead of cough syrup.

So like a good daughter, I went to the liquor store to do as my mama told me.

I walked into the ABC store and tried to look like I knew where to go. I finally found the brandy and stood there for a minute contemplating my mom’s trusty blackberry flavor or wild cherry. When I saw the wild cherry I thought of those Luden’s wild cherry cough drops I used to eat like candy when I was little. At this point the guy working there noticed me.

“You need some brandy?”

“Yeah.”

“Any particular kind?”

“Well, I’m sick and my mom told me to buy some blackberry brandy.”

At this point he came out from behind the counter and grabbed the bottle for me off the shelf.

“Well, this is the one that I have. Does your mom put it in her tea or something?”

“Yes.”

I lied. Mom drinks it straight.

“So you’re sick? I know something is going around. I’m going to get my flu shot in a few days.”

“I’ve never gotten a flu shot.”

“Oh, you should. It makes a difference.”

“I teach, so I think it’s inevitable.”

“Oh yeah, all those germs floating around. Do you teach elementary school?”

“No, I teach at the local university.”

“Oh. Are you one of those teacher assistants?”

“No.”

“So you’re a real professor?”

“Yes.”

“Wow.”

People are consistently surprised that I teach college students. I guess it doesn’t help that look as young as I do.

The conversation lasted for a few more minutes. I kept trying to walk towards the door and he kept extending the conversation. For some reason he told me how old he was (40) and told me that he reads blogs. I don’t even remember how that came up. The funny thing about living in North Carolina is that I sometimes have a hard time telling if a guy is trying to hit on me or if he is just being friendly. Either way, he’s too old.

I am having some trouble with someone who is too young as well. The worst part about it is that it’s one of my students. Again, I can’t tell if the kid is just overly friendly and enthusiastic and perhaps a bit of a suck-up, but a few things he’s done lately have started to make me feel a little uncomfortable.

He emails me almost every day asking about assignments. His emails are always littered with exclamation points. The other night he emailed me really late and ended it by saying, “I hope you’re sleeping peacefully.”

Umm. I don’t really want my students thinking about me sleeping. Or if they are, I don’t want to know.

Then yesterday he emailed me again about scheduling some time to talk about his paper. He said that I had looked stressed in class, and that he hoped my day was going okay. He told me I am an “amazing teacher” and that I “shouldn’t let stupid students get me down.”

It was sweet, of course. But again, I feel like it’s crossing a line.

At this point, I’m really happy that my “office” doesn’t have walls.

The one guy that I want attention from right now is a bit too elusive.

He’s one of my colleagues. I met him during orientation. I thought that he was quite cute and seemed interesting. His bio on the faculty webpage is clever.

But the problem is that I hardly ever see him. When I do, I see him from afar as he walks into the mailroom or down the hallway ahead of me.

I finally ran into him in the stairwell the other day. He heard someone coming down the stairs behind him so he turned to hold the door open for whoever it was. When he saw it was me, he said hi. When he saw that I was headed down one more flight, he stopped and turned to ask how my semester was going. We chitchatted for a few minutes and then headed our separate ways. I considered emailing him to invite him to coffee, but now I feel like I’ve lost my window of opportunity.

I’ll keep you posted, of course.

But for now it’s time for my blackberry brandy. Mom would be so proud.

Counting blue cars

2006-11-06T19:23:00.000-05:00

First things first.

A big thank you to my faithful readers who check the blog everyday to see if I’ve posted something new. I see you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been rewarding you much for your loyalty.

This past weekend was the first one in a long time that I didn’t need to grade papers. I was delighted. I spent it doing a few things to get my life in order. For starters, I went through a plastic tub’s worth of mail. Most of it was credit card offers and student loan notices, but it was beyond ridiculous how long I had let it all go. Let’s just say that I had un-opened mail from 2004 in there. Not opening my mail has got to be one of my biggest life flaws. It’s as if I’ve adopted the attitude that everything important will reach me through email.

It felt good to open all of it and not have it hanging over my head anymore. I was getting tired of that nagging little voice inside me who kept prodding me to finally deal with it. I still have to sort and organize some of it, but it’s a start.

I also started pricing new cars this weekend. I can’t believe I’m going to buy a new car. I’ve been driving a 1995 Ford Taurus for a little over three years. Over the weekend it hit 138,000 miles. It’s tired.

I looked at quite a few cars this weekend, but right now I’m pretty much deciding between the new Honda Civic or Accord. The dealership is running a promotion on Accords right now. I can get one for virtually the same price as the Civic, just without as many bells and whistles. I’m somewhat torn about what to do. The Civic is smaller, and cuter, but most agree that the Accord is a better car. Maybe there isn’t all that much difference. Input? Right now I'm leaning towards the Civic, but I think I'll opt for the cheaper LX, rather than the EX. I might also look at Mazdas.

As much as I hate to admit it, I like “things.” The thought of buying a new car (though expensive) makes me a little giddy inside. I’ll be scared to death of getting into an accident with it, or doing anything to hurt it, but I’m really excited at the prospect of driving it home for the first time. The peppy girl at the dealership who helped me out is trying to track the cars down in the color I wanted: royal blue pearl.

I hope she finds one soon.

An evening's entertainment

2006-10-28T20:49:00.000-05:00

It turns out that I've been shoving cookies in my mouth and falling down for a long time.

I bought shoes

2006-10-24T19:56:00.000-05:00

Lesson learned

2006-10-24T19:23:00.000-05:00

When I'm bored, I google people. I like to see what random things I can find out about them. For the most part, I google people that I don't talk to anymore, old boyfriends, random acquaintances, etc.

Every once and a while I find something.

The other night I made the mistake of doing a search on Sax.

I know. I know. You're thinking, "Come on, girl. Let it go. Move on." Believe me, I've repeated the same mantra to myself.

Back to the search.

I found a recent podcast that was recorded about two weeks ago.

For those of you who don't know, Sax's alias isn't very creative on my part. He's a saxophone player.

Over the summer, he played me a recording he had recently done with a bunch of other musicians in Kansas City. It's free jazz. They're releasing the CD soon, and a music website interviewed a couple of them about the improvisation and the album. Of course, Sax had to be one of them. And of course, I had to download it once I found it since I am a masochist and all.

Sax only answered a few questions, but I could still hear him laughing in the background when he wasn't. It was bittersweet to hear his voice, one of the things I really liked about him.

And when the interview questions were sandwiched in-between clips from the CD, I remembered the times when he played it for me this summer.

I should have my google privileges taken away.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

New specs

2006-10-18T17:53:00.000-05:00

In the past, I've always gotten really excited about buying clothes or shoes. Right now I'm excited about my new pair of glasses. For one, I can see out of them (I haven't replaced my glasses in 6yrs; I usually wear contacts), and they're kind of snazzy.

Judge them for yourself, but if you don't like them you can blame my Mom. Ha.

They were expensive, but I guess I should f*ck around with my vision. It's already bad enough.

There are a few other purchases that I would like to make, but I'm trying to be a little better with my finances. I recently got a decent raise, but my student loan payments start next month. They're going to be outrageous. Sometimes I get discouraged about the fact that I am in so much debt from school when I have a degree that really limits me from going after high-paying jobs.

I've spent the past 7yrs feeling confident in the fact that I wanted to do something I love and have had no qualms with the fact that it wasn't going to result in a big paycheck. I still feel that way, but with the recent job frustrations, I wouldn't mind being more content - on both fronts.

I recently went through my first review process at work, and it went really well. But I guess the perfectionist in me is rearing her ugly head again.

But at least that head has snazzy glasses!

La la la lattes are the answer

2006-10-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

My hand is seriously going to fall off.

I graded 44 papers in 3 days. That may not sound like I did it quickly, but that's pretty impressive by my standards.

I think I figured out part of the reason why I have had trouble being productive over the past few weeks...

I used to spend anywhere from 6-8hrs a day working at French Press. Since moving to Raleigh, I've been doing almost all of my work at home. By work I mean, occasionally doing something while I repeatedly check my email and watch episode after episode of the Sopranos, or Grey's Anatomy, or any other DVD I can get my hands on.

It took me a few weeks to realize that this is counter-productive. Once the proverbial fire was lit under my (growing) behind, I returned to what I know:

BC functions well in over-priced coffee houses that feed the crazed caffeine junkie inside her.

I spent 6hrs in Global Village today, downing one delicious latte and one sugary mocha concoction. I also treated myself to a tasty Panini.

I graded 10 papers there and another eight once I came home, refueled, and sipped a glass of red zin.

I have enough time to re-read the article I'm teaching tomorrow (and being observed on) and get a few hours of sleep. Wahoo!

(I sincerely apologize for the fact that my life isn't all that interesting right now).

PS: The construction workers on campus like looking at me and calling out to me to ask how "Sweetie" is doing.

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

2006-10-08T22:11:00.000-05:00

Update on my personal hell of my own creation:

I have graded 26 papers this weekend. I need to grade 18 more before Tuesday, and then I have 19 more to grade after that. With each paper I grade, the pounding in my head grows louder. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.

The one saving grace of this weekend was the fact that it was cold and rainy. I appreciated the synchronicity of the doom and gloom of my exterior environment matching my interior environment. Though it made me want to curl under the covers and watch a movie.

I'm sure by now that you can tell I am a procrastinator - a big, lazy, procrastinator.

I vow today that I will spend the five days of my break grading a little each day.

All I have to do is get through tomorrow and Tuesday, and then I have five days off for Fall Break. (I guess that is one of the perks of working for a university!)

I am seriously considering outsourcing my grading though.

Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

2006-10-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

This week I

- taught 8 classes, all of which seemed unproductive.

- ate too many bagels, all of which were good.

- had a student get a little too close in a conference.

- went to dinner with my roommate.

- drove home for my Mom's birthday. We spent the day eating, shopping, and watched a movie.

- went to the Apple store twice and didn't buy the iMac I am salivating over.

- had a great conversation with my step dad about my pedagogical frustrations.

- watched the Mets win games 1 & 2.

- avoided Persistent guy. He called me 3 times last Saturday and emailed me tonight.

- watched Grey's Anatomy and enjoyed every second of it.

- went to the eye doctor for an exam (finally!)

- picked out new glasses. They're spiffy, but I won't have them for a few days.

- had my pupils dilated.

- finished watching Season 5 of the Sopranos.

- graded 15 papers; 13 of which were graded today. I have 50 left. Oy.

- popped a lot of ibuprofen.

- called Vixen to tell her I will buy her a ticket to come visit me.

- took myself on a date to see Little Miss Sunshine.

- didn't blog enough.

The end.

Hide another mistake

2006-10-02T18:40:00.000-05:00

Throughout the years, I've often been characterized as a bit of a perfectionist.

I have a vivid memory from when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old of lying on the kitchen floor, coloring. My mom walked across the kitchen and knocked my arm, causing my crayon to leave a wild mark across the rest of the sheet I was coloring.

I started crying.

My coloring page was ruined.

My mom tried desperately to calm me down and convince me that I could still finish coloring that page.

I refused. It was ruined. There was no fixing it.

I've also been prone to start crying and give up when something wasn't going according to plan. I can get so intensely frustrated that I just don't want to continue. It's not worth it, I find. If I can't do it the best way, I don't want to do it at all.

This isn't really a desirable trait to have.

In fact, it's pretty bloody annoying.

I'm starting to get nervous, because lately, the thing I don't feel like I'm doing well, is teaching.

I'm starting to question whether or not writing is something that can actually be taught, which doesn't say very much for my purpose or what they're paying me for. The students are intensely bored by the textbook that I'm teaching out of, but I had to use it. I also have to teach a certain kind of curriculum.

I'm super frustrated, because I feel like I can teach the same principles from a different angle and garner more student interest. But since I'm a first-year teacher at this university, I am more restricted. Even once I get some of my freedom back, I'm not going to have as much freedom as I did as a graduate student teaching. Doesn't that seem backwards? But I guess that's the difference of being at a mid-size private school and going to a huge ass state school.

To top things off, I'm being observed on Monday. When I've been observed in the past, it has gone well - but it's still nerve-wracking. I have a lot less student participation in my classes here than I did at my old university, which ends up going right back to the kind of material I was teaching.

I knew getting into this job that it wasn't necessarily going to be a lifelong career move for me, but I'm a bit alarmed by the fact that less than two months into it I'm already contemplating my escape.

I guess I'm most thrown off by the fact that the first set of papers I graded was really bad. I spent a month teaching material and still ended up with 60% of the class in the C-range. I have a stack of 44 papers to grade from my other two classes. I've had them since Thursday, and I haven't touched them. I'm too afraid that they're going to be just as bad, if not worse, than the other batch.

The only real sense of mastery you can feel when you teach is breaking through to students. When that's not happening, it makes me feel like a failure. Colleagues say that sometimes you have to be satisfied with getting through to a handful of them, but that's not enough for me.

I'm sorry; it's just not.

The years have been short but the days go slowly by

2006-09-29T22:17:00.000-05:00

Today was a really strange day.

I think I would have been better off if I had just stayed inside.

I started off the day by locking my keys (both apartment and car keys) in my apartment. This is one instance where living next door to my landlord is a really good thing. Luckily, she was home.

Once I finally had the key I needed to start my car and head towards campus, I rolled down my driveway and painfully scraped my car on the dip where the driveway meets the road.

I should have backed up right there.

I taught another awkward class. I also told a student that she needs to drop, because she now has an F in the class according to the university's attendance policy. It's only the end of September! How does someone already use up 9 absences? 9!

I rushed off campus to go meet a summer colleague for lunch at the university where Black Beauty works. On my way, I realized that I left my iPod in my desk drawer.

Lunch was pleasant enough, but Black Beauty was nowhere in sight. Damn. That's the second time I've been there since the summer ended, and neither time has produced any face-time with the fine man. The first time I didn't try to see him, but this time I was just thwarted.

After lunch I rushed off again, but this time it was for my doctor's appointment. I was excited at the prospect of finding out what is going on with this chronic fatigue I've been experiencing.

I was no longer excited once I realized that most of the people who work in the office are somewhat curt.

I was also no longer excited once the doc left me sitting alone with only my undergarments and a paper sheet to keep me company. He forgot about me. Seriously.

Aside from that, he was a nice enough guy. The whole paper sheet ordeal made me think about how the hospital dramas that I watch and love do not resemble real-life experience in the least bit. There were no McDreamy's or Kovac's running around.

Doc could find no physical symptoms that might explain my fatigue, so he sent me upstairs for a bunch of lab work. He threw around scary words like: rare cancers, lupus, Rocky Mount fever, and Lyme disease. Thanks doc. I don't think it's anything that serious, but I don't take comfort in the fact that 5 viles of blood were taken today in order to run all the tests. I'll take anemia for 1,000, please Alex.

Once I stopped by campus to retrieve my iPod on the way home from the appointment, I thought I was in the clear to head towards home.

Instead, I was foiled by some strange parade that had all the roads that I needed to take home blocked off. I kept turning corners, hoping to find an in, but no such luck. Over a half hour later, I was home.

I made dinner and contemplated a relaxing evening at home with my Grey's Anatomy dvds, but persistent Friendster guy called about my suggestion to go to the movies tomorrow. Since I hadn't heard back from him until today, I had already made plans with my parents. So instead, I offered to do something tonight.

He agreed but didn't want to accept the fact that I had already eaten dinner. He wanted me to order an appetizer while he ate. I said no, he should eat and I would meet him at the movie theater. He reluctantly agreed, and I took the opportunity to tell him that I wasn't looking to date anyone right now and just wanted to make a friend. He paused for a while and said that was what he wanted too. "Isn't that the whole idea of Friendster?" he asked.

Okay. Good. Same page.

His movie suggestion was Jackass: Number Two. Eh. I still really want to see Little Miss Sunshine, but agreed to his choice. Needless to say, the movie was even more outrageous than the first. This one was a little hard to stomach, and I'm not usually squeamish. Let's just say that number two isn't just a reference to it being the sequel. 'nuff said.

It made for a very awkward viewing experience. He started apologizing about halfway through and asked me if I wanted to leave. I was fine, but I felt bad for persistent guy.

I felt even worse when I told him after the movie that I wasn't up for doing anything else. I wasn't at all in the mood to drink, and I really just wanted to get home. I said maybe we could do something another time, but I think that's going to be it. The conversation was much more awkward tonight, but maybe it's my fault for shooting the guy down before we even went anywhere. I give him credit for still following through.

My night ended with me missing my exit. I got off at the next one and ended up driving aimlessly for a few miles. Eventually I just had to turn around.

Today I felt like I was driving and could not get anywhere.

I might be crazy, but that's not the same as insane

2006-09-27T19:35:00.000-05:00

I. Love. Wednesdays.

I do.

Wednesdays are great, because I don't teach. As I've already mentioned, my Tuesdays and Thursdays are crazy days. I literally come home a complete zombie. Teaching those two 100-minute classes back to back is just killer. I'm usually on campus for 10-11hrs on those days. I come home, I make dinner, and then I sit somewhere barely able to move or form complete sentences.

I love Wednesdays. Wednesdays are the best.

I haven't been posting much lately for a few reasons. I've been trying to get my life in order, which hasn't really left me with much to post about. I still have the fatigue thing going on, but I have an appointment to see a doc on Friday. Hopefully he can figure something out.

I had coffee with a guy from Friendster last week. He recently moved down here from Boston like me. I've already mentioned the bevy of emails I get from less-than-desirable men on Friendster and Myspace, so once I got one from someone who was a) able to write in complete sentences and b) in the same city as me, as opposed to Zimbabwe, I decided to say yes to coffee. He was a nice guy; we had an easy enough time making conversation.

After coffee he wanted to go get dinner. I wasn't hungry. Really, I wasn't. So then he suggested getting a drink. We walked around the corner, ordered two beers and an appetizer. We finished up, and I thought it was about time for me to get on home. It was last Wednesday, so I had to prepare myself for the looming Thursday. He suggested going to get dinner again. The dude didn't want to go home, I guess. I politely declined and headed home, but not before he could ask me to go to the mall with him on Friday so he could buy new sunglasses.

Seriously?

Isn't that a girlfriend kind of outing? I told him I'd let him know, knowing full well that I would say no (which I did).

He emailed me Sunday night to ask me out for dinner and a movie tonight. I declined that invitation as well, because I wanted today to recoup. I suggested in my reply that perhaps we could do it as a matinee thing this weekend.

He was a nice guy, but I didn't feel any initial attraction. I don't mind being friendly with him, but I don't want to lead him on either.

I'm not sure if I don't want to date right now, or if I'm just not in the mood to be around people who don't know me very well. It's probably a combination of both.

I just haven't been in the mood to put on the whole show that you do when you're just getting to know someone. I always try to "be myself," but you know what I mean (I hope).

Hey blogger, what's that song?

2006-09-19T21:30:00.000-05:00

I often use song titles or lyrics for my post titles. Tonight I'm taking a page from Velvet and am going to tell you what those are. Check back for updates.

3/23/07 "Be here now," Be Here Now, Ray LaMontagne

3/18/07 "Don't be alarmed if I fall, head over feet," Head Over Feet, Alanis Morissette

3/7/07 "She works hard for the money," She Works Hard for the Money, Donna Summer

3/4/07 "I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind," Crazy, Gnarls Barkley

3/1/07 "I can't sit still; I've got a springtime song inside me," What you Will, Mike Garrigan

2/26/07 "How good it can be," How Good it Can be, The 88

2/20/07 "Life got in the way," Life Got in the Way, Sister Hazel

2/11/07 "The rest is still unwritten," Unwritten, Natasha Beddingfield

2/7/07 "Just what I needed" Just What I Needed, The Cars

2/1/07 "It's raining mens!" It's Raining Men, The Weather Girls

1/28/07 "Love will come through, it's just waiting for you" Love Will Come Through, Travis

1/23/07 "I'm tired of waking up when it's dark" Comeback (Light Therapy), Josh Rouse

1/18/07 "Circle, circle, dot, dot, dot" Great Escape, Guster

1/17/07 "That's how you fight loneliness" How You Fight Loneliness, Wilco

1/9/07 "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match" Matchmaker, Fiddler on the Roof

1/9/07 "Supermodel" Supermodel (You Better Work!), RuPaul

1/3/07 "There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt" Cannonball, Damien Rice

1/1/07 "Is this the new year, or just another night?" The Blues, Switchfoot

12/23/06 "Ain't it good to know you've got a friend" You've Got a Friend, James Taylor

12/21/06 "Prelude 12/21" Prelude 12/21, AFI

12/17/06 "In the rough" In the Rough, Anna Nalick

12/16/06 "Skip to the end" Skip to the End, The Futureheads

12/5/06 "Tomorrow never knows" Tomorrow Never Knows, Our Lady Peace

12/3/06 "I am displaced" Displaced, Azure Ray

11/8/06 "Give me comfort in a bottle, please" Comfort, Athaneum

11/6/06 "Counting blue cars" Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla

10/28/06 "An evening's entertainment" An Evening's Entertainment, Duncan Sheik

10/8/06 "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime, Beck

10/7/06 "Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway" Miss Halfway, Anya Marina

10/2/06 "Hide another mistake" Hide Another Mistake, The 88

9/29/06 "The years have been short but the days go slowly by" Pink Bullets, The Shins

9/27/06 "I might be crazy, but that's not the same as insane" Swan Dive, Sister Hazel

9/16/06 “As a child of 25…” Chocolate, Snow Patrol

9/14/06 “Driving sideways” Driving Sideways, Aimee Mann

9/10/06 “Meet me, and we’ll drive this car away” Start Again, Duncan Sheik

8/31/06 “Stuck without a captain or a chart” Hang On, Guster

8/25/06 “Drip drop a lovely dream” Barrel of a Gun, Guster

8/24/06 “This is the sound of settling” The Sound of Settling, Death Cab for Cutie

8/8/06 “Shimmy shimmy quarter turn” Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn, hellogoodbye

7/30/06 “Hang On” Hang On, Guster

7/04/06 “Elevator to the moon” Satellite, Guster

6/23/06 “You’ve got a lure I can’t deny” Nothing Better, Postal Service

6/21/06 “I hope tomorrow is like today” I Hope Tomorrow is Like Today, Guster

5/11/06 “Face forward. Move slow. Forge ahead” The Captain, Guster

5/10/06 “Keep it together” Keep it Together, Guster

3/28/06 “And another one bites the dust” Another One Bites the Dust, Queen

2/8/06 “And the world spins madly on” World Spins Madly On, The Weepies

Last updated: 10/22/06

I object!

2006-09-16T15:56:00.000-05:00

I was going to post this as a post-script but given its nature thought it might "spoil the mood" of the post too much.

So, everyone knows that they started showing commercials at the movies a few years ago. Like most people, I'm sure, this bothers me. The movie theatre used to be the one place you could go that you wouldn't have to see commercials.

Today they showed a commercial for KY.

KY?! WTF. What's the marketing plan behind that one? Is it because it's a date movie and they expect couples to go home and do the deed and hopefully pick up some KY on the way?

I don't get it.

Show me the dancing candy and popcorn cartoon, and let's get on with the movie!

As a child of 25...

2006-09-16T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here eating an Airhead. My gosh. Do you remember those? I think I may go into sugar shock. Yum.

I just got back from taking myself on a date to see The Last Kiss. I tell ya, I'm a pretty good date. I bought myself candy and popcorn, I laughed at all the key moments, I opened the door for myself; I'm a keeper. I think I'd like to take myself out again sometime. :-O

The movie was good. It wasn't quite what I expected, but I enjoyed it. The soundtrack is killer. I bought it a few weeks ago - definitely recommend it.

I drove home feeling contemplative about relationships (I guess that's expected) but also about life experiences in general.

The past few days I've found a bunch of old friends of mine from the summer camp that I went to as a kid on Myspace. Good 'ol Myspace. It's been fun reminiscing about those times. I went to that camp every summer for a week, seven years in a row.

It was in this town in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania, at a "resort" called Land of the Vikings. True story.

Both my grandparents emigrated to the U.S. from Norway, and they belonged to an organization called Sons of Norway. Each summer, they would host summer camp at L.O.V. I met some great people there. The first summer pretty much sucked, but for some reason I went back and kept going back until I was 15.

I reconnected with two girls from camp that I haven't talked to in probably 12yrs. It made me start thinking about all the different people you meet in your life, and the impression that they can make on you, no matter how short. Sometimes I think we take human interaction for granted. It's really kind of incredible when you think about it - how much we affect and are affected by others. There's a line in the movie where a character says something along the lines of, "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love that is most important."

But all I mean is that the relationships that you have with other people, whether friendships or romantic, are going to leave imprints on you and them that never go away.

I think I've entered into that natural "hibernation" period that happens after someone hurts you. But I don't want what happened with Sax to keep me from having new experiences. Last night CK said to me that some things happen because of fate or chance, but the rest you have to make happen.

Amen sister friend.

I sometimes feel old at 25 (especially teaching kids who were born in 1988), but I know that there is a lot I haven't lived through yet.

Okay, I'm going off the contemplative deep end here. I'll stop.

Driving sideways

2006-09-14T20:18:00.000-05:00

I'm actually "forcing" myself to post right now.

I started to type out a post about how tired I was and that I wanted to post, but that it would have to wait.

But here I am.

I'm a fickle bird.

It has felt like a long week. I've been busy doing a lot of stuff for teaching and looking after the dog. I've also been getting bad migraines from my wisdom teeth, sniffling through a bit of a cold, and still have the tired thing going on 24/7. And. And. And. Kidding!

It has been nice having Pepper, but it has also been a tad stressful. My landlord complained on Monday that the dog had been crying/barking the whole time I was gone. She asked me to leave her in my bedroom when I left on Tuesday, rather than let her have the run of the whole house. Needless to say, that didn't go so well.

So I've spent the whole rest of the week trying to change my schedule around to leave her alone as little as possible. Today I went so far as to drop her off at Blue Eyes' and the OB's apartment for the day. They graciously offered to "babysit" her while I taught today; they're also dog sitting for the week. It was nice not to have to worry about her. I swear; having a dog is like having a kid. I still love her though. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I’d be glad to bring her back home this weekend. I still want a dog...but it will have to be under a different set of circumstances.

In other news, the teaching and my students are getting to me a bit. I'm a little too tired to explain why, so that will have to be shelved for a weekend post.

Parting thought: don't look your students up on Facebook...what you find will never be good.

The small things

2006-09-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

The small things in life really can brighten your day. It's only 1pm, and I already have 3 examples.

1) I started off my morning by going to Global Village, a coffee shop I used to go to. The lattes are almost as good as the ones from French Press. The owner is super nice, even though he never interviewed me for a job when I applied back in college. :-P Anyhow, I was on my way out the door, latte in hand, iPod headphones in, when I heard something that sounded like my name. It was a girl who I had known a few years back from my summer job. I sat down and chatted with her for a few minutes to catch up. I could only stay for a few minutes, because I had office hours to conduct before teaching. We exchanged numbers and promised to get together soon with Blue Eyes and the OB (she knows both of them). The brief encounter reminded me that I have a network here in Raleigh and that the move from Boston isn't turning out to be as lonely as I feared.

2) When I started class today I took attendance and noted that I had four students absent. Near the back of the room I heard one boy say to another, "Who would want to miss this class?" incredulously. Cute. One of the boys has already emailed me twice to tell me how much he likes my class. It's great to get some enthusiasm from the students, rather than pure boredom.

3) I returned home to a very excited dog. She was wagging her tail so hard that I thought her bottom was going to fly off. What a nice greeting!

I'd be curious to hear what small things brightened your day today?

Meet me, and we'll drive this car away

2006-09-10T20:08:00.000-05:00

On Friday night I drove to my parent's house. They were leaving town with my brother for Disney World, so I went home to collect the dog. I have the pleasure of taking care of her this week. I'm super excited. That's her in the picture above, obviously. She's the sweetest thing ever. I can't wait until I can get a dog of my own!

I hadn't intended to stay all weekend, but once my family left, I decided that it would be nice to have the house to myself for a few days. I had a few offers for Saturday night, but sometimes I just revel in being alone. I made some good food, did some grading, and watched more of the Sopranos. It was heavenly.

I've also been reading a book that CK gave me during my last trip to Boston - Mars and Venus on a Date. It's by the same guy who wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I don't normally read books like these, but I've been enjoying it. For one, it's really nice to read something for myself, rather than be under pressure to finish something for a class. I've got a whole stack of books waiting for me. As for insights, the book suggests that women are too quick to start wanting to give back to their partners, to make them happy. John Gray argues, that women should continue to receive rather than do things for the man - men like feeling like they can make women happy, and if she graciously receives and shows her appreciation, that's all the return he needs. Hmm, that's news to me.

I need to do some more grading. Until next time--

What does it mean now?

2006-09-07T20:38:00.000-05:00

Tonight as I walked to my car on campus, I was talking to the other laura on the phone. When she asked how my day was, I responded that it had gone relatively well, all things considered. And it had.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are typically my hell days. This past Tuesday's post indicates how much pain I was in physically, but I was also stewing over a few bad classes that I taught as well. Tuesday's sessions with the 100-minute sections proved to be pretty painful for a couple of reasons.

So when I got dressed today, I was dreading my classes. But I was also hoping to turn things around. Coming off of a friend-induced high from last night (both CK and E called me; I felt loved), I decided to put my best face forward. I dressed in a power outfit - ridiculously cute heels, flattering pants, a hot top, and a snazzy blazer. It's amazing how much a good outfit can affect your mood. I'm also starting to see/feel effects from the mainly SB eating this week.

Anyway. I taught my first class of the day (I love those students), and then I headed off to meet two of my guy pals from my summer job - Salsa and the OB - for lunch. It was a nice, long leisurely lunch. Since they're both taking graduate courses at the school, we're going to make it a regular thing on Thursdays. Yay for lunch buddies.

As lunch ended, I was getting closer to teach-time with the hellions. But I went in there and did my thing. I felt confident. I felt in control. I felt satisfied.

After my last class of the day, I asked 6 students to stay after to talk to me. These students may have intentionally misled me to get out of my class on Tuesday. When I initially found out about it, I was really ticked. I also felt like a bit of a fool. But today I addressed it. I was firm, and to be honest, I felt like I was really diplomatic about it. One of the girls looked like she was going to cry. One of the boys looked ashamed. One looked smug, but hey - can't win them all over.

But somewhere between the time when I came home feeling so on top of things and then ate dinner, my mood shifted a little bit. Can you guess why?

That's right, men. Why else?

At one point in my conversation with the other laura tonight, Sax came up. I told her how even though it's been almost a month since we last talked I'm still thinking about him occasionally. I'm also already mentally debating whether I will acknowledge his birthday, which is still a few months away. There's no reason for me to be thinking about that right now. But I realized (as my anger subsides), that there were a lot of things about my relationship with Sax that I want in future relationship(s). So it's tough to be too feisty (though I do have my moments) about a guy who, for all intensive purposes, did really well at keeping me happy for a while.

While I ate my dinner tonight, I watched a repeat episode of my favorite show - Grey's Anatomy. It was the one where Joe, the bartender across the street, is getting operated on. And there's a scene in it where Meredith finds out that Addison cheated on Derek. She goes to McDreamy's trailer to hear the story, and after he tells her she asks, "What did you want from me? Was I just the girl you screwed after getting screwed?" Something about it struck the Sax nerve for me again, because I'm still trying to figure out why he got involved with me. I still want to know what he wanted from me, and why he couldn't handle it. But maybe that's not really what I want. I think I wanted him to say to me what Derek says to Meredith after she asks her questions. He says, "I was drowning, and you were like coming up for fresh air." But that's not what Sax said to me in any of our talks - not even close. I guess we can't all have McDreamy's - fictional or otherwise. But even though he does say that to Meredith, she tells him "It isn't enough." And if I were honest with myself, it wouldn't have been enough from Sax either. He would still be on the other side of the country, and I would still be here, hurting.

Through all this, I got another rash of emails on Friendster today. Here are two beauties for your enjoyment:

Hello , looking into ur profile make me feel ok , just that smile on your face makes me feel like saying hi to u . u really look good . hope you won't feell am flattering you . i just want to get the fact been cleared to you that you are good looking . i will be so happy to recieve a message from you soon .
take care and remain blessed.

am a male . i am from ghana.i want us to be friends forever i am 24 of age and a single.i will tell you more about me when you reply me.hpe to hear from you soon.

These men mean well. One would think that emails such as these (though they are not without their errors) would flatter most women. If nothing else, I should be happy about being complimented. But it's really not doing the job. I'm not sure what to do with it, actually. I never reply to these kinds of emails, and I always end up feeling somewhat bad about that.

It's just funny how I end up disregarding men who compliment me and stew over a man who I deserved more from.

Maybe I should stop analyzing everything so much...

Decrepit 25-yr old tries to dial phone, fails

2006-09-05T19:19:00.000-05:00

A little over an hour ago I was painfully shuffling across campus towards the parking deck and my car. My back is still a knotted mess of pain, but is slowly loosening thanks to the ice pack I applied and the wine that my roommate made me drink.

Thanks to him I also just had a tasty stir-fry dinner, rather than the bowl of tuna that I had intended. Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to go back on South Beach. I also thought it was a good idea to go for a run, which as my current state would indicate, was severely misguided. I, like others, have said that I only run while being chased, and am reconsidering a return to that line of thinking. I want to be healthy and fit, but goshnabbit, it f*ckin hurts.

If I were being true to South Beach and its teachings, I would not be self-medicating with wine right now...but it's better than the cookie, or Bojangles dinner that I fantasized about on my drive home. I wish I weren't the kind of person who comforts myself with food, but there you have it. But I am determined to shed the few extra pounds I've been carrying around since finals last spring.

Another frightening tidbit from my painful shuffle home includes a near disaster call to Sax. I was trying to call my parents and once again went one too many names down in my phonebook. I quickly ended the call. I think I was quick enough for it not to register on his phone. Here's hoping.

I need a new book: dialing your cell phone for dummies.

Scrub, scrub, scrub

2006-09-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

Ooh boy. I cleaned for 8hrs today, and there is still more to do.

My parents came over to help me, and my roommate left the apartment...which doesn't seem fair since he's the one who has been living here for 2yrs. The place is as dirty as it is because he doesn't clean; I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't feel like pitching in.

My step dad was in a mood so he didn't end up helping either. After an hour they hit the road for home. There went my visions of family banter and joyful cleaning. I was already exhausted when they left, but I knew that I had to keep scrubbing away. I felt like Cinderella without the singing mice and prince charming.

The place looks a lot better though - we'll see how long it stays that way. I know I'm going to need some help staying on top of it though.

This weekend hasn't been all work, but I've got plenty of that to get to for class. On Friday night I went over to see my friend, Blue Eyes. She just got married so she's having a fun time in their new apartment with their snazzy new gadgets and things. She made a good dinner and some tasty drinks, and we ate the brownies I brought over while watching a movie. It was relaxing and fun.

Last night I went to a small party and had more yummy food and drinks. It's good to get out again. I should start getting out and prowling for men though - the ones emailing me on Myspace and Friendster still aren't all that appetizing. Sorry boys.

Tonight I'm staying in to do some work and keep watching episodes of the Sopranos. I've never watched the show religiously, so I started at the beginning. Yay for blockbuster...and yay for 3-day weekends.

Stuck without a captain or a chart

2006-08-31T12:04:00.000-05:00

I should be commenting on papers right now, but here I am. Call it love for my readers, or call me a procrastinator.

Ernesto is busy dumping himself all over the Carolinas. It's pretty nasty out there today, but at least it's cooler. Raleigh tends to flood easily, so traversing the roads and sidewalks is quite a feat. But I've been inside since 9am and haven't ventured out there yet, thanks to the free pizza available in the department.

Not much is new. I've been busy teaching my classes. I have one 50-minute section and two 100-minute sections. I always run out of time in the 50-minute section and always have too much time in the 100-minute sections. On Tuesday I had to make up an in-class writing assignment on my feet, because I had run out of material with 40 minutes still left in class. I'm still trying to find that happy medium. I have a feeling that my syllabi are going to change a lot next semester.

I like my students for the most part. I have a couple that are already trying to take advantage of me, but I suppose that's normal. I see my 50-minute section much more often than the others (4 days a week) so I feel like I know them so much better. I almost have all of their names down. I'm rather bored by the material that I'm teaching though and am having a hard time expecting them to be enthusiastic. At some point in my career I hope to have the credentials to teach literature rather than composition. I guess I'll have to get that PhD after all. :-P But for now I'm trying to make them believe that I actually know what I'm talking about when I try to analyze the rhetorical elements of a scientific report.

In other news, I've been debilitatingly tired. I'm really starting to worry. I sleep 8hrs and wake up as exhausted, as I was when I went to bed. Every time I open my mouth, I feel like I'm going to yawn. Some have suggested that it's due to all of the adjustments I've been making, or the "D" word. But I don't know. I feel relatively settled and relatively "happy." I worry that I might have mono or something. My insurance kicks in soon, so I'll have to get checked out. I haven’t had insurance for a year, so the list of things I need to get checked out is getting rather long. I think I'm going to meet my deductible quickly. Oy.

No news on the man front, other than the fact that I keep getting emails from horny little 18yr olds on Myspace. I got an email from one today whose profile says, "Screw Cary, I'm moving to Kansas City." Good for him. He and Sax can be friends - I think he has a space open. Haha. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Back to work.

"You don't still hate your life, do you?"

2006-08-25T15:43:00.000-05:00

In taking my new job, I knew that there was a chance that I might run into Linda. She has been teaching distance-learning classes even though she retired a few years back. If you don't remember Linda, she made her cameo on the blog in these two posts:

It's all funny

I can't win

Okay, now that you've laughed (again) at my social ineptitude, you can laugh some more.

I haven't spoken to Linda since those phone calls. I've been avoiding her for obvious reasons. I spent the summer (since I was back in Raleigh) thinking about contacting her. And once I got the job, I thought about contacting her again. One would think that I might be eager to share my news with her, since it implies that I've gotten my act together...that perhaps I am a sensible adult rather than a jacka** who calls people in the middle of the night to say, "I hate my life" and then hangs up.

But no.

I've avoided it. I cringe every time I think about those phone calls. I'll admit that it's a supremely funny story...but one that I could have gone without experiencing since I respect the woman immensely. As a side note, when I fell down the stairs in Budapest -- see Falling girl -- Inquisitor asked me if I wanted to call Linda again and tell her I hated my life. Both Inquisitor and Enigma had her for a professor as well, so they appreciated the story (at my expense) to no end.

Anyhoo. Yesterday as I was headed down the stairwell to teach my second class of the day, there she was, talking to someone else. She was so engrossed in her conversation that she didn't see me even though I sort of lingered uncomfortably and glanced back a few times as I headed down the stairs. Had I had more time (and been less embarrassed) I might have interrupted her. I didn't.

Fast-forward a few hours.

I came out of the bathroom and almost walked straight into her. She exclaimed my name and reached up for a hug. Seconds later she exclaimed, "I saw your name on the list and was wondering when I was going to hear from you. Do you still hate your life?!" I sputtered a bit, to which she replied: "I figured I'd just go ahead and get it out of the way now so we never have to speak of that dreadful day again."

Cue my red cheeks.

We had a conversation for a few minutes about me teaching. In the span of a few minutes she managed to "scold" me for being in Raleigh all summer and not getting in touch, and she also managed to get another quip in about me hating my life. I thought we were never going to speak of it again? No such luck. I feel safe in estimating that it will come up every time I see her in the next few weeks, which should be often since she's teaching a class at the university (much to her husband's chagrin).

Sigh.

Drip drop a lovely dream

2006-08-25T15:28:00.000-05:00

For some reason last night, my subconscious decided to pull out a lovely man to "play" with. I had a dream about a guy who ended up being one of the final two guys on the Bachelorette a few years back. Yes, my name is BC and I watch bad reality shows.

Moving along. Anyway, in my dream he wanted to date me. Now, I don't usually go for blondes...but I loved this guy when he was on the show. Meredith didn't pick him, because she's crazy.

I might be crazy too, but I enjoyed the dream even though it was PG. Here's a picture. I decided to restrain myself from picking one of the shirtless, towel pictures...but you should check out his website if you like what you see. ;-) Here's hoping for more dreams like that one.

http://matthewhickl.com/

This is the sound of settling

2006-08-24T12:27:00.000-05:00

I am so negligent on this blog as of late, but I will not make excuses. I will just get to posting.

So, as the title would indicate, things are starting to settle down a bit. I'm in the midst of my first day of teaching. One section down, two to go. The first one went relatively well. I seemed to win a few of the students over with my sarcasm. It's hard to take yourself too seriously when you're reading dry policy from a syllabus. And I'm always battling the knowledge that most of my students will be less-than-thrilled about being in a writing class. I find it's best to try to make them like me before they check out of the course entirely. We'll see.

I almost forgot about a "duh" moment I had before class started. I was standing out in the hall with what seemed like most of my students. One of the girls was staring at me...perhaps trying to figure out if I was the professor or not and why I looked so young. The woman who teaches before me came out and shut the door behind her. As I suspected, it was locked...and my keys were upstairs. I had to rush up there to go grab them. I can't do anything smoothly people. Nothing.

On a silly note, one of the sections I'm teaching is 69. Oh yes, the students are going to love that one. The other laura suggested that I just make jokes about it from the outset. I thought about saying, "This is section 69, though that doesn't imply anything about the content." Ha. I worry that I'll be turned in for sexual harassment on the first day though.

Since it was a frenzied dash to finish my syllabi (I put it off like only I know how to), I haven't gotten as settled as I'd like to be in the apartment. The whole place needs to be cleaned. Correction, scrubbed. It's kind of gross. I also have a lot of things to unpack or store away out of sight as well. I haven't wanted to be in the apartment because it's not pretty yet. I'm definitely someone who needs to be in a comfortable space. Taurus and all that (if you believe such things).

I haven't been out much or connected with many people since I've been distracted by my work and other things, but tonight I'm meeting up with an old friend for dinner. A few weeks ago I made it to a gay & lesbian film festival in Durham with Meka and our friend, Shamrock. We saw an interesting French film and a few lesbian shorts. I was entertained but plagued by an insane migraine. When I lived in Raleigh before I didn't get out much in Durham or Chapel Hill; I certainly need to do more of that.

Last night I drove to my parent's house for my brother's birthday dinner. It's reasons like that I love living in NC again. It's been a long time since I've been able to hop in the car and do things like that. The gas it takes and the time isn't as great, but luckily the place with the cheapest gas in NC is somewhere in between. $2.56 baby.

Time to shift gears. Last week things got really messy and complicated with Sax (again). The short version is that we are no longer going to try to stay in touch. The longer version (which I won't tell here) involves MySpace, emails from girlfriends, and insanity. That was fun. It's for the best though, I think. Maybe eventually we'll be "friends" again, but I guess that time is not now. It was a fun summer though.

There's a guy over at the college where our summer program was held that had told me to stop by to see him. The faculty affectionately (and secretly) referred to him as black beauty. He really is beautiful. I've been debating whether or not I want to drop in on him. I have an errand to run over there that I could use as my excuse...but I still wish we had exchanged numbers so I could avoid having to come up with an excuse.

I'm done rambling for now. Another update soon.

Shimmy shimmy quarter turn

2006-08-08T20:14:00.000-05:00

I feel a bit like I've been having an out-of-body experience for eh, the past three weeks or more. With everything ending at my summer job, the new teaching gig and the move, I am having a really hard time grounding myself. It's starting to take its toll.

I had a nice visit in Boston, albeit too short. My impulse was to spend as much time as I could enjoying the city and my friends, but I also had a lot of packing to do. I got rid of a lot - especially clothes - but I was still amazed by how much crap I have acquired. Luckily I was able to silence that nagging little voice inside my head that says, "You might need that..." I felt quite satisfied as I filled garbage bag after garbage bag. I guess I'm trying to make both my life and my mind as clutter-free as possible. I still have a ways to go.

Highlights of the trip included many dinners out with the ladies, quality time with CK, lattes at FP with coffee guy, and a Friday night out for drinks and dancing. We threw back shots and kicked up our heels at Tonic; it was a blast. L showed off an interesting martial arts type move on the dance floor; it was the hit of the night. I need to go out dancing more often - it always makes for a good time (except when I end up on the actual floor).

As I stood outside waiting for the T one night, it really hit me how much I'm going to miss Boston. Of course I'm going to miss my friends (that goes without saying), but I'm also really going to miss the city itself. Boston is a fun city, and aside from the hellish commute I suffered my first year, it treated me well. I definitely hope to visit regularly.

Saturday, Sunday and Monday were filled with many hours in the car and transporting boxes. Almost every muscle and joint in my body hurts right now even though my step dad did all the hard stuff. I'm not staying in my new apartment for another couple of days, but it at least feels good to know that all my stuff is there waiting for me. I'm going to head back to Raleigh tomorrow though and spend a few nights at a family friend's house. I need a few days to work like crazy on my syllabus and get my head together. Her house will be quiet during the day, and she has a nice big Jacuzzi that I will be sure to soak in. As soon as I typed that I realized that it seems unfair to complain about life when soaking in a Jacuzzi is part of my future plans. Alas.

I could talk about a few other things that are bothering me, but I've started to hit that wall where reporting certain things about my life seems inappropriate on this blog. I guess it happens to everyone eventually.

In the meantime, it's time for me to get back to the dance I call my life right now. Ta ta.

Airport Fun

2006-08-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

What I'm about to post is most of what I just typed in an email to Sax. I realized afterwards that it would make a good post, so I'm stealing from myself essentially.

I had some fun getting out of the Charlotte airport this morning, so I thought I'd share.

We left for the airport around 6:30 this morning (ouch), because my mother was concerned about hitting traffic outside of Charlotte. For once, my mom was 1) not late for something and 2) interested in getting me to the airport at a reasonable time. She has a long history of cutting it very close every time I fly somewhere. I think that every trip I made to visit my father involved us running breathlessly down the terminal. But this time I made it there a little over an hour before my flight. Yay mom.

Unfortunately, her efforts were less appreciated once I was informed that my flight crew was delayed due to a late arrival last night. I took my sweet time getting through security, going to the bathroom and then going in search of an ATM. I settled down at a food court on the other side of the airport and was delighted to find that their wireless Internet was free-of-charge. I checked my email and started chatting with Meka (who was also killing time at her all-day AP training). I tried to log into myspace and was denied access to "adult/mature content." Hmm. Foiled again.

I glanced around me and chuckled when I saw a string of white rocking chairs lined up alongside the moving sidewalk (big fan of those btw). People were contentedly rocking away as they sipped their lattes and read their papers. Since when did airports become a place for rocking chairs? I couldn't help but be amused by this phenomenon, especially since it was juxtaposing two societal inclinations - 1) our desire to soothe ourselves by rocking, reminding us perhaps subconsciously of when our mothers may have done the same 2) our desire to use moving conveyor belts to move us faster than our legs can manage. While typing this I remembered that I saw rocking chairs in the Greensboro airport as well, but these were sitting atop a fake porch. Even better. Do you think perhaps the rocking chairs are connected to High Point, NC's furniture making? I digress.

After 20 minutes of chitchat, I decided that I should start making my way back to my gate. But I snapped a picture of the rocking chairs first. I checked my flight time again and saw that it was still delayed. The screen didn't have an estimated departure time, just the message "delayed." I figured I'd have time to hit the bathroom again and stop by a newsstand for a drink and a magazine. I moseyed towards the gate first to stop at the bathroom. I looked left and saw none other than one of our more notorious students from the summer program sitting there with his guitar in hand. Interesting. I smirked and continued on towards the bathroom. While inside, I heard the following announcement: "Last call for United flight 1752 to Washington, Dulles." Crap. Somehow I had missed all the other calls. I hurried out, passing ___ along the way. I said, "Hi ___" and kept walking. He smiled yet seemed confused...unable to place me I'm sure. I was saddened by the fact that I would not have the time to stop and give him a hard time.

Despite all the silliness I somehow managed to buckle myself into my seat. I was concerned that my flight delay was going to leave me stranded in D.C., but I hadn't thought that making it out of Charlotte was going to be an issue. I settled in for my 55-minute flight, listening to my iPod (I downloaded some Police songs).

The flight out of D.C. was less eventful. I had some trouble getting from the Boston airport back to my apartment due to oppressive heat and trains that didn't come, but I eventually found my way. I spent some time at FP catching up with my friend Jen and then later coffee guy. This evening I made it out for dinner and ice cream with CK, which was quite fun and somewhat silly as well (due to problems with parking, air conditioning, forgotten purses, bathrooms etc).

I picked the hottest day of the summer to come back to Boston, and tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter. Yum.

Time for bed; I am one exhausted B.

Hang on

2006-07-30T14:26:00.000-05:00

I drove to my parent’s house this morning after saying goodbye to Sax and JF. Yesterday our summer job wrapped up, and I said a lot of goodbyes to the students, faculty and staff. My heart was heavy for so many reasons. This summer has been a roller coaster of emotions. As is typical of my summer job, it has been an intense experience packed with late-night conversations, accelerated relationship building, inside jokes, loaded looks, lurking subtext, and many many hugs. The tears freely rolled down my cheeks yesterday, because I was saying goodbye to this cherished pocket in my life that even with all its flaws and nuances always feels strangely idyllic. Every year I spend 7 weeks with these people and have an amazing experience, but no matter how important it is to all of us, we always seem to go our separate ways and live our lives and not talk to one another until we come back 10 months later and pick up where we left off.

But what made it harder this time was knowing that I wouldn’t be returning to the same place next summer. Every year most of us plan on returning but know that due to the nature of the jobs that we hold during the year and the reality of life continuing to change and evolve, return isn’t always possible. Before we even left this time, people started making announcements that they won’t be returning. One of those people was our director. He is the greatest boss that I have ever had and might ever have. I respect him a great deal and cannot imagine returning to this job without him. I think that’s the case for a lot of people – so much the case, that, they decided not to return. Or at least, the announcement of his departure made it easier for them to make their own. A lot of the people who have made my experience what it has been will not be returning, and a lot of the other people who I am close to do not yet know if their return is going to be possible. Even though I know in my heart that the program will continue to exist without these people, as new and equally unique people will continue to be hired, I am grieving somewhat for what and whom I have said goodbye.

All of this may sound oh-so-very over-dramatic, but I’m just trying to be honest to my experience and feelings. As a result of my experiences with Sax this summer and the other relationships that I strengthened and formed, I have come out on the other side a different person. I’ve always felt that people and your experiences with them have the ability to not just affect and alter your immediate interaction but the person you are and keep living as. The experiences that I had this summer have definitely done that. It hurts a great deal to know that these people aren’t going to be immediately accessible to me – that I am not able to just walk out of my room and down the hall to see them. Whereas in the past I could handle confining my relationships with the people from my summer job to the borders of the program itself, I no longer think that I can or want to do that. For most of us, leaving our summer job has been about returning to our “real lives,” but I don’t want these people to exist in that liminal space anymore. They are true friends and I want them to be part of my “real life,” whatever that may be. The next few months are going to test my abilities at staying in touch with people and making sure that that contact is “true” rather than superficial.

As I’m writing this, I realize that most of the people who I consider my greatest friends are going to be so far away from me this year, because not only do a lot of my friends from the program live in different places but now I will be far away from my friends from grad school. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m not excited for my new job and starting a new life in Raleigh, because I am. But I have to be honest about the fact that I feel less like myself knowing that these people are going to be scattered across the country.

On Tuesday I’m flying to Boston to pack up my stuff and say goodbye to the girls. I’m not so sure I can handle anymore goodbyes this week, but it’s going to be great to see everyone again and visit a few of my favorite places in Boston. The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy, but it might be good for me to throw myself into planning my syllabi so that I can ease the hurt from ending things with Sax.

It has been a very rough and heavy two weeks, and I’m not sure what the next few months are going to bring. Sax and I are going to keep talking and communicating and see what kind of new, different relationship we’re going to build. I’m not sure it’s going to be something that I’ll continue to post about, but we’ll see. I’m still trying to make sense of everything we went through together this summer and what comes next.

It’s time for me to get back to playing with the dog, but I promise that I’m ready to be better about posting, reading and commenting on blogs.

Summer '06: The summer of heartbreak

2006-07-21T09:13:00.000-05:00

It seems like everyone that is close to me is going through a rough time these days...including myself. What's going on?

Things with Sax are very muddled and confusing right now...due to an ex/current gf situation. It has been a rough week, and things are up in the air. In the meantime, I'm just trying to get through the week that's left at my summer job and act as "normal" around him as possible - whatever that means. It's a bit of a struggle.

Somehow the past couple of weeks have really flown by, and I'm left wondering how I'm going to get the rest of my life in order. I still need to figure out my moving plans as well as make new syllabi.

I start teaching in less than a month, and even though I'm excited it's a bit scary. It's going to be a big change in curriculum for me.

I apologize for a bare bones update, but that's about all I can muster for now.

My love and support goes out to all of you who are also going through a rough time.

Elevator to the moon

2006-07-04T12:04:00.000-05:00

Big changes.

I can hardly believe that it's already July 4th. Where does the time go? Seriously. As they always say - time flies when you're having fun.

I've made quite a few big decisions the past week. Two posts ago I talked about the fact that I had an interview at my alma mater. At the time I was feeling really torn about it. I spent a week or so mulling it over and finally decided that I would accept the position if it was offered to me. The next day I got an email with the offer. Conveniently enough my Mom and brother traveled to Raleigh that day to have lunch with me and I got to tell them the news in person.

So after months of agonizing over the decision of whether to live in Boston or NC, I've decided to stay here. It really came down to having a teaching opportunity in a department that I once loved. Even though I'm going to miss Boston terribly (tear), I think that this is the best move for me right now. I was really nervous about letting go of the support network that I've established in Boston. Especially since it gets harder and harder to make new, good friends once you're older. I see a lot of trips to Boston in my future.

But once again I'm having a great time at my summer job. Even though a lot of our staff members do not live in NC during the year, the majority of them do. I hope that I can stay in touch with most of them and create a new network.

Teaching is going to keep me mighty busy though. I'll be teaching 3, 4hr sections. But the best perk of the job is that I'll once again have health insurance...which I'm sure I'll need for the next time I hurt myself!

Originally, one of the biggest draws to moving back to Raleigh was being able to get my own place. I couldn't afford to live alone in Boston. But once I decided I was staying here, one of the faculty members on staff here told me that he needed a roommate. I thought that it couldn't hurt to take a look at it, so I checked it out the other day. It's a really cute place in a nice neighborhood and close to campus. But best of all, it's super cheap. Feeling impulsive, I decided on the spot to take it. Perks: good-sized room, private bathroom, cheap rent, fabulous gay roommate who cooks. Cons: I can't get a dog because he has a kitty, I don't get to live alone yet. All in all, I think I made a good decision.

In other news, things are going well with Sax. Summer romances are fun. Wink.

I'm going to celebrate the 4th by going out for Italian food and shopping with some ladies. Good times.

You've got a lure I can't deny

2006-06-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

In the past, I've often fallen for friends of mine. I've found that the better I get to know guys, the more I like them. And sometimes that translates into feeling something more on my end. I think that all relationships are based on a certain level of attraction, so I've never really been surprised by this. But really aside from one isolated case, the attraction that I've felt towards my male friends has never been acted on. Yet despite this, it's usually where a lot of my relationship energy is focused.

The past week has reminded me that it's the attraction that takes hold of you unexpectedly and is often unexplainable that is more successful and exciting for me. I'm sure that most people would say the same, but perhaps it's the fact that it's not the kind of thing that you can really seek out per se that causes such surprise when it happens. Miraculously, things just fall into place and suddenly there's this new person to get to know and enjoy.

In my last post I mentioned that I was negotiating a new boy situation, which as you can probably tell by this post, is going well. Sax and I had known each other before, though not very well, and hadn't seen one another or spoken for a few years. When we ended up back at the same place this summer, things escalated quite quickly. Although the practical and analytical side of me often resists these types of things, I've found that when the spark is there, you just have to give in and go with it. And oh my, have there been a lot of sparks. ;-)

Neither one of us is going to be in the same place in 5 weeks, but for now I just want to luxuriate in this feeling.

Those around me have already noticed my mood change, as I was told yesterday that I had an "impish smile" on my face. Why yes, I believe I did...and for good reason.

I hope tomorrow is like today

2006-06-21T13:07:00.000-05:00

I shamefully bow before you for not having posted in so long.

I knew that I would once again be drawn into the bubble that is my summer job, but I did not expect to be so negligent when it comes to my blogging duties.

So I will just jump right in.

I haven't been away from the blog because things are going badly, but because they are going well.

Job search: I have had quite a few calls about the résumés that I sent out to the Boston jobs. Unfortunately, they have all changed their tune once finding out that I am in Raleigh until the end of July - even though I clearly noted that was the case.

Yesterday I had a job interview for an adjunct position in composition. It went really well, and I'm pretty sure that they're going to offer me the position. I am feeling a bit torn about that now.

So, once again I'm a bit conflicted about whether or not I want to be in Boston or in NC. Surprisingly enough, I had a conversation last night with my Mom about it and she seemed to be pushing me towards going back to Boston. She thinks that Raleigh is too small for me now and that I will be happier in Boston. It really threw me for a loop; because I expected her to guilt trip me into moving closer to family. Moms can surprise you.

Everyone keeps reminding me that I am in a good position right now - as far as having options - but that doesn't make it any easier to make the decision. Both choices will make me happy but for very different reasons. Aaaaaah.

In other news, it's great to be back at my summer job. It's amazing how everything falls into place when everyone returns. Even though I haven't spoken to most of these people in a year, we always pick up right where we left off. The new people who were hired have fit right in as well. I love this place, because there are interesting and intelligent people around every corner. In an ideal world, this would last all year rather than six weeks.

I've been teaching at the program for the first time, and I'm really enjoying it. It surprises me that these students are as smart and articulate as the college students I was teaching...sometimes more so.

I've been negotiating a new boy situation...more about that later. But for now I'll say that I'm enjoying myself and that it was unexpected, which is usually the case, I suppose.

Unfortunately, it's time to get back to work.

To all my Boston ladies: I miss you!

To Whom It May Concern: I need a real job.

2006-06-09T21:58:00.000-05:00

I drove 850 miles from Boston to North Carolina. The drive went well except for the downpour I hit about 20 miles from my parent's house. I had a 1yr old baby in the backseat so I white knuckled it all the way since I couldn't even see the road in front of me. Scary...just a tad.

Since arriving I've been stuffing my face with all the NC food that I've missed. Bojangles is an experience not to be missed. As of tomorrow I will start the cleansing process. Goodbye bread and fried food.

This week was relatively low key at work. We had a few bumps towards the beginning of the week, but my boss has been treating for lunch every day, which is always nice. The best part has been that the dorm that we stay in has been renovated and the foul odor that used to haunt the halls is gone, as well as the tacky ass burlap like material that used to shamefully cover the walls. The bed is also rather comfortable for dorm furniture, though it's no sleep number. Sigh. I miss my bed.

I also miss Boston and the ladies, which is why I just sent out ten résumés to jobs in Boston. It feels a little strange to be applying for "real" jobs. It's not like I haven't held one before, but it always feels a little different when you're still in school. I love my summer job, but it's just a summer job.

The weirdest/hardest part of applying for jobs right now is that I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I'm qualified for. I either feel like I'm looking at job postings for which I'm too qualified for or not qualified enough. I applied for a bunch of administrative positions today, which might be a bit monotonous, but for now I just want something to pay the bills and get me back to beantown.

My goals have certainly changed. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't still feel the pull back to NC. It's just so damn pretty, and the people are so much friendlier...but it will still be here in a few years.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the next seven weeks at my summer job. The faculty arrives on Sunday...let the madness begin! :-)

Hugs are better than drugs

2006-06-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

That’s a slogan from the 80s, and when I’ve repeated it in the past I usually use a caveat: it depends which drugs. But I would definitely say that all of the hugs I received last night and today are hard to beat.

Unfortunately, I got the hugs because I was leaving Boston.

Today I drove the first leg of my journey down to NC for my summer job. I’m spending the night in NY and hitting the road early early.

Last night I went out with the girls for Mexican food and sangria.

It was hard saying “goodbye” to everyone. Every time someone gave me a hug, I realized just how much better my life in Boston was this year and how much I want to return at the end of the summer.

My summer job tends to be all consuming, but I need to make sure that I don’t lose that feeling that I had last night. I want to live in Boston. I’ve felt so conflicted these past few months, especially because I know how badly my parents want me to move back. But I’ve realized that at this point in my life, being surrounded by friends is important to me.

I’m not really looking forward to telling my parents my plans, even though I know they will be supportive. I wish I could just merge the best of NC and Boston into one place…including the people.

I’m definitely going to miss FP and coffee guy.

I went in there today before I hit the road. Coffee guy gave me a free latte and cookie. I stayed for a few minutes and then decided to head out. It started to feel like we were just saying our typical goodbye. Then he looked at me and said, “Come give me a hug.”

I said, “Aww.” Yes, audibly.

As we hugged he said, “I don’t give hugs too often. I might not be that good at it.”

He squeezed hard, with both arms. As someone who has received a lot of hugs, it worked for me. ☺

Hugs are great. But a hug with a latte and a coffee guy on the side are even better.

"I like your picture. I want you know"

2006-05-23T22:05:00.000-05:00

The last time I posted I told you about the date that I had with a guy from an online friend-networking site. That website is Friendster. I joined back in November after hearing a lot about it from CK.

Not too long ago I updated my picture on there. I have not used the site for dating in the past, and under my profile where it notes what I'm looking for I have responded, "Friends and Activity Partners." Granted, "activity" could be interpreted loosely, but the intention was PG folks.

Anyhow. Ever since I changed my picture on there a few weeks ago, my shit has been blowing up. I have gotten tons of profile views and have been receiving smiles and emails from people from all over the world. The post title is taken from an email I received from a guy in Turkey. I have also had admirers from Singapore, India, Nigeria, and the Philippines. The guy from the Philippines was a real peach because his profile picture is of Bin Laden. No joke.

Tonight I received a smile from a guy in Boston who is looking for a third party to participate in relations with him and his gf. The other day I received an email from a guy who I actually went to college with (but didn't know) who saw me at the movies this year in Boston.

All this from just a picture change. I am stumped. I am mildly creeped out but mostly perplexed. It's just one picture.

I thought the date went well last week, but I have not heard from him since. I walked away from the date thinking that it was probably the best date that I have been on since I moved to Boston. He's rather cute, well read, a good conversationalist, polite, funny and dresses well. But am I getting messages from him? No...just some guy who wants my bod for threesomes and a Bin Laden follower.

Maybe if I change the picture again I'll get an email from the serial killer that I've been searching for all my life.

Chile o Caliente

2006-05-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

Grumpy B has left the building.

Yay.

So I have news to report, but I will do it quickly. I plan on being back in regular blog mode soon.

But first, the updates:

* I finished both my papers and am pretty satisfied with my grades.

* I passed my comprehensive exam even though I really was convinced of my inevitable failure. I am officially done with my MA!

* I graded 16 portfolios and turned in grades this morning (2 hrs before the deadline). I've received one grade complaint so far...we'll see how many more follow. I love how these students get so upset over a B.

* I've been drinking almost every night. Last night included a karaoke excursion. Drunken fun. Apparently grad students have burning desires to channel their inner pop/rock stars. E roped me into singing "One Way or Another" with her. I was intensely embarrassed and gave Katie the come hither finger so she could share in the fun. Love you much!

* Vixen has been up to no good. In the past few days we have gotten manicures and pedicures (the post title is the name of my polish. it's h-o-t hot.) Today we spent a bunch of money shopping. I am a clothes whore.

* Sunshine and I spent a rainy Sunday at the movies. We saw "Art School Confidential." I enjoyed it...she is still deciding on the ending. Funny movie though - I recommend it.

* The big news is that it's date night in the apartment. I have a date with a clever man who has been sending me flirty/witty emails the past few days. Yesterday he closed one of his emails with: "have a great day in your coffee shop. i'll be thinking of you while i stare blankly at my screen and pretend to work. feel free to bother me..." Cute. He's a random person who found me through one of those online networking friend sites. We're meeting for drinks tonight, and I have that nervous excited feeling fluttering around in my stomach. My roommate, H., also has a date with a charming boy she met through a friend of mine out at the Publick House last weekend. Yay for us. I have a cute, flirty top picked out that conveniently matches my newly polished nails. The rain has finally cleared out and it should be a nice night for a date! :o)

* It wouldn't be a blog post without mentioning FP. I have those FP boys wrapped around my finger. Coffee guy was feeding me slices of apples and garlic bread with hummus yesterday. But by "feeding me," I do not mean literally. He just nicely passed some my way. Today Jazz gave me free tea. Yay for perks. Yesterday I gave coffee guy all of my contact info. Ha. Smooth move...now that I'm leaving for the summer. Oops.

Okay, time to shower.

Muah.

Face forward. Move slow. Forge ahead.

2006-05-11T22:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday sucked. SUCKED. Until I started drinking, that is.

I don't know what my deal was yesterday, but I really could not keep it together. I guess I had kept things bottled up during the past few weeks, and yesterday once I was finally finished, it all came spilling out. Literally.

I was in the MA teaching fellow offices and everyone started talking about our comprehensive exam. I really started to doubt whether or not I passed and myself. I started crying in front of everyone.

For the rest of the day, whenever someone asked me if I was okay, I started crying again.

I have a habit of crying at inappropriate times. And it pisses me off. I have days where I just can't stop myself, no matter how bad I want to.

The real icing on the cake was when I stopped by FP to pick up some tea before going home. I thought that I had finally gotten it together. But then coffee guy saw me and immediately asked if I was okay. Out come the tears again. I was so embarrassed. He gave me free tea, and I left before I could make a further ass of myself.

I met CK for dinner and pear sangria at Zocala. Yum. CK has a knack for making me feel better. She's also a big reason why I'm reconsidering the move back to NC. When I add in the fact that Sunshine, Katie and L. are sticking around too I have pretend conversations with my Mom where I break the news to her that I'm staying here. I need a job!

We stopped off at Harry's for another drink but the cute waiter wasn't there. I should go back.

I ended the night at the Last Drop with some friends from the department. I had quite a few beers and forgot my troubles for a while.

Luckily the effects were minimal this morning; I spent the day grading at FP.

Coffee guy made me go behind the counter to get my own water. I'm going to help myself to a cookie next time. :-P

I ran into SAB again today as well. We actually had a 10-minute conversation. Shocker.

I have big plans to drink and grade this weekend. Now that we're done (pass or not), and most people are gearing up to leave, we're taking advantage of Boston's many bars. Dancing at a gay bar, karaoke, and drunken debauchery are in the works. As one of the other girls from the program said - "keep the MA love train alive."

Oh yeaaah.

Now that I've gotten the crying out of my system, I'm ready to have some fun, bitchessss.

Keep it together

2006-05-10T09:07:00.000-05:00

So, I've learned that I do not turn to blogging when I'm stressed out.

But I seem to have no problem doing the following:

- eating everything that's bad for me and gaining 5 lbs in the process

- failing miserably at calling or emailing people back

- making a mess of my room

- forgetting to open my mail (I still have some tax form to sign)

- spending half my bank account on lattes

- avoiding the job search

- relying on tylenol pm to help me fall asleep at night

I can't wait until I feel like I have a handle on things again.