Hang on

I drove to my parent’s house this morning after saying goodbye to Sax and JF. Yesterday our summer job wrapped up, and I said a lot of goodbyes to the students, faculty and staff. My heart was heavy for so many reasons. This summer has been a roller coaster of emotions. As is typical of my summer job, it has been an intense experience packed with late-night conversations, accelerated relationship building, inside jokes, loaded looks, lurking subtext, and many many hugs. The tears freely rolled down my cheeks yesterday, because I was saying goodbye to this cherished pocket in my life that even with all its flaws and nuances always feels strangely idyllic. Every year I spend 7 weeks with these people and have an amazing experience, but no matter how important it is to all of us, we always seem to go our separate ways and live our lives and not talk to one another until we come back 10 months later and pick up where we left off.

But what made it harder this time was knowing that I wouldn’t be returning to the same place next summer. Every year most of us plan on returning but know that due to the nature of the jobs that we hold during the year and the reality of life continuing to change and evolve, return isn’t always possible. Before we even left this time, people started making announcements that they won’t be returning. One of those people was our director. He is the greatest boss that I have ever had and might ever have. I respect him a great deal and cannot imagine returning to this job without him. I think that’s the case for a lot of people – so much the case, that, they decided not to return. Or at least, the announcement of his departure made it easier for them to make their own. A lot of the people who have made my experience what it has been will not be returning, and a lot of the other people who I am close to do not yet know if their return is going to be possible. Even though I know in my heart that the program will continue to exist without these people, as new and equally unique people will continue to be hired, I am grieving somewhat for what and whom I have said goodbye.

All of this may sound oh-so-very over-dramatic, but I’m just trying to be honest to my experience and feelings. As a result of my experiences with Sax this summer and the other relationships that I strengthened and formed, I have come out on the other side a different person. I’ve always felt that people and your experiences with them have the ability to not just affect and alter your immediate interaction but the person you are and keep living as. The experiences that I had this summer have definitely done that. It hurts a great deal to know that these people aren’t going to be immediately accessible to me – that I am not able to just walk out of my room and down the hall to see them. Whereas in the past I could handle confining my relationships with the people from my summer job to the borders of the program itself, I no longer think that I can or want to do that. For most of us, leaving our summer job has been about returning to our “real lives,” but I don’t want these people to exist in that liminal space anymore. They are true friends and I want them to be part of my “real life,” whatever that may be. The next few months are going to test my abilities at staying in touch with people and making sure that that contact is “true” rather than superficial.

As I’m writing this, I realize that most of the people who I consider my greatest friends are going to be so far away from me this year, because not only do a lot of my friends from the program live in different places but now I will be far away from my friends from grad school. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m not excited for my new job and starting a new life in Raleigh, because I am. But I have to be honest about the fact that I feel less like myself knowing that these people are going to be scattered across the country.

On Tuesday I’m flying to Boston to pack up my stuff and say goodbye to the girls. I’m not so sure I can handle anymore goodbyes this week, but it’s going to be great to see everyone again and visit a few of my favorite places in Boston. The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy, but it might be good for me to throw myself into planning my syllabi so that I can ease the hurt from ending things with Sax.

It has been a very rough and heavy two weeks, and I’m not sure what the next few months are going to bring. Sax and I are going to keep talking and communicating and see what kind of new, different relationship we’re going to build. I’m not sure it’s going to be something that I’ll continue to post about, but we’ll see. I’m still trying to make sense of everything we went through together this summer and what comes next.

It’s time for me to get back to playing with the dog, but I promise that I’m ready to be better about posting, reading and commenting on blogs.