Tomorrow never knows

It was a very long day, and my brain is quite mushy. So I figured it's the perfect time to post!

Today is an ex's birthday, so I've been thinking about him a bit. It has been a little over three years since we've spoken. We dated my senior year of college and his final year of law school. I would say that I was in a near euphoric state for the first 6-7 months of our relationship. I was accused of having perma-grin. Then bam, everything shifted. I don't know if it was the fact that he was studying for the BAR or if it was the fact that I was trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life while I waited to apply for graduate programs, but I went from being completely smitten to completely annoyed. The change was dramatic even from my perspective, so I imagine that it came out of nowhere for him.

We fought about the fact that I wanted to go up north for graduate school through most of our relationship. He thought I was choosing school over him and that I didn't value the relationship or where it was headed. I was bothered by the fact that he didn't understand why it was important to me and wanted him to at least consider making long distance work or moving with me. In the end, we couldn't compromise. I broke up with him, and in retrospect I realize that I broke his heart. Quickly after breaking up he stopped talking to me, and we've had no contact since.

It's funny how something like a birthday can cause all of that to come flooding back. I've always been intrigued by how every relationship changes us and stays with us.

Yesterday I met an old friend for lunch. I hadn't seen him since before I broke up with the lawyer. He recently broke up with someone he had been dating for almost 4yrs and is trying to get back into the scene. He's going through the standard online dating options. We started talking about how relationships change you, for better or worse. I've always been surprised after emerging from the relationship, how much I've changed or lost sense of "who I am."

But of course identity and our conception of it are always so tenuous. I think that most people like to think that there is someone out there for us somewhere. Someone who is going to "complete us," but that kind of thinking is dangerous too. Because it implies that we're not whole without that other person. What if we never find him or her? Are we supposed to walk around forever incomplete?

Maybe it's easier for me to debunk such an idea when I'm single. Either way, I was a little disturbed, or at least took note of the fact that my mood changed significantly yesterday just at the prospect of meeting my friend for lunch. I didn't go in thinking that it would be romantic by any means, but the mere idea that I was going to be with a male changed my attitude, my choice in clothing, etc. In the end, I guess that's funny, rather than disturbing, or at least humorously disturbing.

One of the main reasons I'm planning on going to a gathering with my colleagues on Friday is also with the hope in mind that my crush is going to be there.

I guess my point is that even though I can spend this much time analyzing my previous relationships, choices, current behavior, and the implications, it doesn't mean that it's going to stop me from being driven by the need to receive attention and affection from the opposite sex.

As my pal Eeyore would say, "Oh, bother."