There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt

A few posts back, I mentioned that I had news to share about Sax. Then I didn't post anything, because I wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling or thinking, and I didn't know if I wanted to flesh that out in the blog again.

But now you'll get an abbreviated update, because it is a small contributor to something I did today. (More on that later).

It was Sax's birthday a few weeks ago. We hadn't spoken since August - since the email where he told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore because of his girlfriend. I never responded to that email. It came at an unfortunate time, because I had just said a few days before (to my friend) that I felt comfortable not speaking to him for a while. Then his email screwed everything up. It made it dramatic, and it made it seem like the choice wasn't mine anymore.

Then his birthday rolled around, and I unfortunately saw that he and his gf had broken up. I found this out because of those silly little "status" inclusions in MySpace profiles. My seemingly harmless desire to wish him a happy birthday (nothing more) would now look opportunistic on my part.

But I emailed him anyway. It was short and guarded.

Over the next few days, we wrote back and forth a few times. He apologized to me and said I was "right" about a few things, and he told me he’d been looking at my profile.

It made me feel better. Not his apology, but breaking the silence. I don't do well with leaving things on bad terms with people.

But afterwards, I wondered what I wanted out of the exchanges, and whether or not it gave me any more closure.

The emails have dribbled off for now, and I think that's a good thing. Friendly banter is good, but it's not good to get caught up in "what-if" questions. I've begun to realize that you shouldn't want someone who doesn't want you back. It hurts, sure, but I don't want to do that anymore.

Well, that was a lot more than I intended to say about all of that. I have half a mind to delete it all, but for now it stays.

With all of that building in the background, and all of the romantic comedies I've been watching lately (as well as the news of Sunshine’s engagement!), I realized how much I haven't put myself out there these past few months. Sure, I was licking my wounds, and I was getting adjusted to my new life in Raleigh, but I miss dating!

Last night I found myself browsing match.com, and I tinkered with a free profile. I was bored, and avoiding working on my syllabus. I found one profile that I was really intrigued by - another teacher, same age.

When I woke up this morning, I had a match email. An email I couldn't read without subscribing. Sneaky.

I couldn't help but wonder if it was from the teacher, even though I hadn't contacted him. After a few hours of wondering, I signed up.

In the past, I haven't been the biggest fan of online dating. I am wary of the expectations it sets up, but I also realize that I've become a bit of a homebody since moving back to Raleigh, and the only men who come to my apartment are gay. No luck there.

Signing up for match is my way of putting myself out there. I cringed at how much money I was spending, but I hope something pans out.

So far, it's been a whirlwind of a day. I can hardly keep up. I've gotten 20 or so winks and emails. It's a full-time job.

Admittedly, far too many have been from men in their 40s, but there are a few promising choices.

I've already managed to spot a co-worker on there. I saw him in my profile views and wondered why he looked familiar. Lo-and-behold, he's someone who got hired with me. I thought about ignoring it, but I couldn't resist. I sent him an email telling him that I always worried that someone I know would see me on there, and there he was. I told him it must be a sign that online dating isn't uncommon as we both thought. I hope he's not the kind of guy who embarrasses easily, as I will be seeing him at a staff meeting next week.

The emails have been "interesting" so far, and it's only been one day, but I will continue to explore, for blog fodder if nothing else.

I emailed the teacher and hope he responds.

Okay, now I absolutely must finish packing for Boston and pretend to do work on my syllabus.

That is all.