Tonight as I walked to my car on campus, I was talking to the other laura on the phone. When she asked how my day was, I responded that it had gone relatively well, all things considered. And it had.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are typically my hell days. This past Tuesday's post indicates how much pain I was in physically, but I was also stewing over a few bad classes that I taught as well. Tuesday's sessions with the 100-minute sections proved to be pretty painful for a couple of reasons.
So when I got dressed today, I was dreading my classes. But I was also hoping to turn things around. Coming off of a friend-induced high from last night (both CK and E called me; I felt loved), I decided to put my best face forward. I dressed in a power outfit - ridiculously cute heels, flattering pants, a hot top, and a snazzy blazer. It's amazing how much a good outfit can affect your mood. I'm also starting to see/feel effects from the mainly SB eating this week.
Anyway. I taught my first class of the day (I love those students), and then I headed off to meet two of my guy pals from my summer job - Salsa and the OB - for lunch. It was a nice, long leisurely lunch. Since they're both taking graduate courses at the school, we're going to make it a regular thing on Thursdays. Yay for lunch buddies.
As lunch ended, I was getting closer to teach-time with the hellions. But I went in there and did my thing. I felt confident. I felt in control. I felt satisfied.
After my last class of the day, I asked 6 students to stay after to talk to me. These students may have intentionally misled me to get out of my class on Tuesday. When I initially found out about it, I was really ticked. I also felt like a bit of a fool. But today I addressed it. I was firm, and to be honest, I felt like I was really diplomatic about it. One of the girls looked like she was going to cry. One of the boys looked ashamed. One looked smug, but hey - can't win them all over.
But somewhere between the time when I came home feeling so on top of things and then ate dinner, my mood shifted a little bit. Can you guess why?
That's right, men. Why else?
At one point in my conversation with the other laura tonight, Sax came up. I told her how even though it's been almost a month since we last talked I'm still thinking about him occasionally. I'm also already mentally debating whether I will acknowledge his birthday, which is still a few months away. There's no reason for me to be thinking about that right now. But I realized (as my anger subsides), that there were a lot of things about my relationship with Sax that I want in future relationship(s). So it's tough to be too feisty (though I do have my moments) about a guy who, for all intensive purposes, did really well at keeping me happy for a while.
While I ate my dinner tonight, I watched a repeat episode of my favorite show - Grey's Anatomy. It was the one where Joe, the bartender across the street, is getting operated on. And there's a scene in it where Meredith finds out that Addison cheated on Derek. She goes to McDreamy's trailer to hear the story, and after he tells her she asks, "What did you want from me? Was I just the girl you screwed after getting screwed?" Something about it struck the Sax nerve for me again, because I'm still trying to figure out why he got involved with me. I still want to know what he wanted from me, and why he couldn't handle it. But maybe that's not really what I want. I think I wanted him to say to me what Derek says to Meredith after she asks her questions. He says, "I was drowning, and you were like coming up for fresh air." But that's not what Sax said to me in any of our talks - not even close. I guess we can't all have McDreamy's - fictional or otherwise. But even though he does say that to Meredith, she tells him "It isn't enough." And if I were honest with myself, it wouldn't have been enough from Sax either. He would still be on the other side of the country, and I would still be here, hurting.
Through all this, I got another rash of emails on Friendster today. Here are two beauties for your enjoyment:
Hello , looking into ur profile make me feel ok , just that smile on your face makes me feel like saying hi to u . u really look good . hope you won't feell am flattering you . i just want to get the fact been cleared to you that you are good looking . i will be so happy to recieve a message from you soon .
take care and remain blessed.
am a male . i am from ghana.i want us to be friends forever i am 24 of age and a single.i will tell you more about me when you reply me.hpe to hear from you soon.
These men mean well. One would think that emails such as these (though they are not without their errors) would flatter most women. If nothing else, I should be happy about being complimented. But it's really not doing the job. I'm not sure what to do with it, actually. I never reply to these kinds of emails, and I always end up feeling somewhat bad about that.
It's just funny how I end up disregarding men who compliment me and stew over a man who I deserved more from.
Maybe I should stop analyzing everything so much...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
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4 comments:
I dated this guy for almost 2 months in college. He was a friend of a friend, and I probably wouldn't have throught twice about him romantically if he hadn't come searching for me, actively pursuing me. Then after what seemed like a great 6 weeks of dating, he stopped calling. Didn't call for 2 weeks. Turns out he'd started liking some oither girl, blah blah, blah. I think what bugged me the most about the whole thing was that HE went after ME and I never would've cared for him otherwise... and then he blew me off and I was left feeling hurt and sad.
*sigh* bnut I guess that just happens in life. Kudos to you for a great day at work and handling those students well. What do you teach?
I'm glad the teaching is falling into place for you. I have two, somewhat cynical points. So, I apologize in advance...
1) No need to be checking in with the Sax anytime soon. Even for his birthday. If anything, let him contact you for your birthday. You made a very good point in stating that with him the relationship had a lot of good things that you want to keep for future relationships. That's fair. The trick is to try keep those "good things" for the future, without the other "baggage". And he (at least right now) sort of comes with both.
2) As per unsolicited flattery. I am, to be perfectly honest, skeptical. I yield that when legitimate, it is an intoxicating rush and it makes all aspects of life glow. But I don't think you should feel bad about not replying to these. I don't think they mean as well as you claim. The second one in particular has scam written all over it. But also, I have no idea what friendster is like, so maybe I'm being overtly paranoid. My point is, you are right to question unsolicited flattery, even if it (the flattery) initially makes you feel good. Don't feel bad about never replying.
And that is all I'm going to write about that. Actually, no, one other thing. I think in general I have a good sense of the characters in your posts but the identity of "OB" has thrown me for a loop...
Oh, B. As I've told you before: you are too good for this fella. As you know, I have no room to talk :o)
When in doubt, stay sexy!
Thanks for the comments.
Marcy: Yeah, Sax pursued me as well. Our relationship was also short. It's funny how that can end up hurting more- I teach freshman writing at a local university.
mls: Being cynical is okay! I'm going to continue to think about whether or not to contact Sax. I agree that right now it's a bad idea. As for the friendster admirers, I did get more emails over the weekend from there and from myspace, but didn't answer. I agree that it's suspicious for the most part...it would take A LOT for me to answer one of them. Someone who didn't live in a foreign country and knew how to spell would be a start!
the OB is someone from my summer job. Email me and I'll clue you in.
other laura: Thanks for saying it again.
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