And the world spins madly on

I've been running around like a sleep-deprived, grumpy, caffeine-hyped monster. Charming, huh? No wonder the boys are keeping their distance. I'm afraid to tally how many hours of sleep I've gotten in the last week, so I won't. It's not much, and that's all I'm going to say.

One of my favorite moments of every day is when I wake up and check my email for the first time. I'm neurotically tied to email, and I love the feeling of seeing a new one in my inbox. In the few seconds in takes to load, I anxiously wait to see whether or not I have received messages from the men in my life. This morning I was delighted to see that I had an email from Enigma waiting for me. Enigma is a friend of mine from my undergraduate days. When I first met Enigma in our British History class, I judged him for his blonde hair, polo shirt and crew jacket. When we ended up together in the same English class the next semester, I realized that he was much more than a typical jock. I had a boyfriend at the time, so I'll never know if anything would have happened between us. We started off as friends.

I've often heard guys lament about getting stuck in "the friend zone." They advocate making a move fast so that the girl doesn't see you as "the nice guy who is fun to hang out with." But I've realized over the years that I'm the kind of girl who often (at one point or another) gets interested in my guy friends. I think that all relationships (platonic or not) are based on attraction in some way. And the more that I get to know someone, the more I usually end up liking him or her. With guys, this can sometimes translate into a deeper, more romantic kind of attraction. Sometimes it passes, and occasionally it drives me absolutely insane. I have certainly been through the insanity stage with Enigma.

Following my break up, Enigma and I started seeing a lot more of each other. We had a few ambiguous date-like excursions, and talked all the time. The friend light switched off in my mind, and I found myself pining for him. Ever since then, I've been stuck in the "what does it all mean?" drama. I'm not calling him Enigma for the hell of it. I don't understand this boy or anything he does. He gets under my skin and riles me up like no one ever has. The best and worst part is that he knows he does it, and it's part of the dance that we do.

I could probably write a book about the way that things have unfolded over the years between Enigma and I, but it's really not all that important right now. What is important is that I have never really been able to get him out of my system. He's still lurking in my subconscious, and the slightest attention on his part, brings it all back. Enigma moved to the Czech Republic after we graduated in 2003, and I have only seen him twice since he left. The last time I saw him was this past Christmas break. But I will also be flying over there for my spring break next month. When I bought the ticket a few months ago, I had plans to seduce him...once and for all. But my bubble burst when I found out (to my dismay) that he has been dating someone for nearly a year.

It didn't surprise me all that much that he hadn't told me. I don't think that Enigma has ever talked to me about girls since we met. I don't know if it's because of whatever tension there is between us, or if he likes to remain privately mysterious. Regardless, I can certainly say that I am not looking forward to sleeping on his couch while he and his gf are in the next room. But the masochist in me can't help but be excited to see him, either way. His email this morning only made me want to see him even more.

Hola Hola

I'm in berlin! And it's pretty bomb. Two nights ago I went to the philharmonic and, being stoned, pondered the relationship of the conductor to the music. As in, who was the agent of whom? Then Mr. Yeats came to mind "How can we tell the dancer from the dance." And that made me happy.

But I'm looking forward to showing you around eastern europe now. Which luckily is less expensive than here. (The Berlin Aquarium cost me 8 euro to enter.)

Zatim,

Cao

It's an innocent email. He's looking forward to seeing me, and that's nice. But I can't help myself from noticing that he took the time to email me while he's in Berlin, or that he said "I" am in Berlin, rather than " we" even though he is probably there with his gf. Can someone please tell me why women have to dissect every single thing a guy says, does, or doesn't say? I will not make grandiose generalizations about my gender, but instead just say that I am obsessed with decoding behavior, with reading the signs, and with trying to understand a connection that perhaps does not exist. It's unhealthy and crazy, but I love it. I've always liked to think of myself as someone who is pretty good at reading people, but I never feel like I can do that successfully with Enigma. It drives me crazy, but it's feels so good...in that unhealthy, guilty sort of way. Sigh.

To complicate matters even more, Enigma mentioned that he is making a trip back to NC in May for a friend's wedding. He wants to come to Boston to see me. When he told me his plans, my heart leapt and my brain objected to the fact that he might potentially visit right when I'm in the midst of the worst time of the semester. But did I say that it would be a bad time? Of course not.

For those of you who are curious about why I said my life is a bad sitcom, that is another post. I'm sure that plenty of other things will happen in the interim to add to this wacky script I call my life.

Until then...