Forgive me reader, for I have sinned

It has been 12 days since my last post.

It's hard to believe that I have gone this long without posting. I had very limited Internet access during my trip. And even when I did have access, I didn't want Enigma or Inquisitor to find out about the blog. This blog business is tricky. Who knows about it, who doesn't? I've also found that it's hard to get back on the proverbial horse after you've been off of it for a while.

So I'm just going to jump in feet first. Watch out - this will probably be a long post.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of possibility lately. I haven't seriously or even semi-seriously dated anyone for 2 1/2 years. I've had a lot of dates that just haven't gotten out of the gate. Vixen and I termed this 50 first dates without the amnesia.

I started writing this post somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean on my way to Prague via London. A six-hour flight with mediocre movie choices leaves a girl with a lot of time on her hands to think. Why should I sleep or read when I can spend my time thinking about boys? It's what I do most of the time anyway!

Even though a so-called significant other has been "missing" from my life for quite some time now, I've been relatively happy. Wow - that's revolutionary! Kidding aside, I enjoy spending time with my friends, and I also enjoy my own company quite a bit. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about the fact that I would like to have a guy in my life.

But I've started to realize that maybe I get more enjoyment out of the possibility of meeting someone, or with the idea of moving harmless flirtation to the next step. Sometimes I wonder if it's the excitement of possibility that I enjoy more. Sure, those of you who are happy in relationships will say that it cannot compare to the intimacy that a relationship brings, and I'll admit that you've got a case there. But I still wonder if the kind of sustained euphoria that anticipation without real disappointment brings can be matched?

During one of our nights in Budapest, Enigma, Inquisitor and I started arguing over the concept of happiness. It tells you something about the kind of people and friends that we are to know that we spend our time in pubs arguing over concepts like happiness and the pronunciation of the words "sieve" and "cement."

But the gist of the argument was over whether or not a) happiness really exists or is possible and b) whether or not individuals always return to a so-called pre-disposed base level of happiness? The argument was far too long for me to summarize here, and the beer that I had consumed threatens my memorial accuracy. But my main point was that it's impossible to compare different times in one's life and their respective experiences of happiness…for there are different variables, yada yada yada. And I also think that one can feel happy, based on the variables that are present, but that the absence of a particular variable (a guy, for instance) can "color" that happiness.

I am, at this point in my life, quite happy; I can point to reasons why I am happy. Yet I know that I am moving into a different phase in my life, and my goals have changed. And the anticipation of those new variables falling into place is part of what is making me happy. Does that make sense? I'm rambling.

I'm sure you're still waiting to hear about my trip, but be patient my pretties - I will get to it.

It's funny how the first question my mother asked me about my trip was how things had been with Enigma? Of course one of the possibilities I was thinking about on my plane trip was how things would unfold between the two of us on my trip. I was, of course, also very curious to meet his gf. Our visit over Christmas break was short, and I needed more time to see if I still have feelings for him. I can say that he lived up to his nickname. I did not really gain clarity on the situation. He still said and did things that are difficult for me to decode. The tears in his eyes as he hugged me goodbye didn't help matters. He said, "We'll meet again" as he walked away. It sounds like a movie line, doesn't it? It kind of felt like that as well. I don't know when I will see him again. I do not know if he is going to stay in the Czech Republic with his gf and have babies, or come back to the U.S. and get his MFA in poetry like he has been planning. But I do know that I cannot allow myself to indulge in the idea of possibility when it comes to Enigma. As the other Laura has warned, it's not good for me.

So in the meantime, I’ve been occupying myself with my harmless, yet exciting crush on coffee guy. The day after I got back, I spent a little time at French Press with E before I had to go off to MIT for my wretched class. Coffee guy was looking all kinds of cute that day, and I soaked in his smile as he asked, “Where have you been?” That’s what I mean about the excitement of possibility – I don’t expect things to go anywhere with coffee guy, nor do I know whether or not his light flirtation is just him doing his job. But it’s fun to indulge in chitchat with him. Crushes are great; everyone should have one.

Vixen has been practical in reminding me that I will probably be leaving Boston soon and don't really have time to start a relationship. Sigh.

All right, I have just spent entirely too much time writing this post. I have to comment on papers for a bit, but I will post again later today about my trip…I promise!